How would you handle this family situation?

Did he somehow get ahold of your number again? Block him again. I think you did all the right things.

If it was me, I would show my husband the message, and discuss with him all the measures I have taken to keep my distance. Maybe he is also contacting hubby, and you don’t know it.

@YARNLADY No, he just text me and asked me to tell his brother, which I immediately did because no matter what they are still brothers. And then my husband called their mother, etc…

He’s very much a dictator, big, loud redheaded fella, and I’m one of the only people who stand up to him and tell him his behavior is bad. I feel like he’s either obsessed with me, or wanting to hurt us for some reason, because he always tries to get a dig in on his brother, my husband. Which is part of the reason I blocked him everywhere. Or maybe he’s back on drugs, I don’t know.

@Dutchess_III Yes, I will after this hospital thing today gets sorted out. He even specifically put in the text, when I said “who is this?”, that now he knew FOR SURE I had him blocked. If you’re having a stroke and at the hospital, who cares about that?

My husband always said I just don’t understand because I don’t have siblings, but between these boys and their wives, it’s drama non stop and as an only child, I just don’t really know how to deal with it. I need advice.

I was just wondering HOW he got your number again?

It sounds like your hubby doesn’t realize how much his brother has hurt you, or how uncomfortable he makes you, and that is has nothing to do with whether you have siblings or not. That it was caused by his brother’s actions.

Remind your hubby if the big blowout if you need to. Tell him that you have made multiple attempts to block the brother, and tell him that you would appreciate it if HE would tell his brother to leave you alone.

Let your hubby know that you are worried about his brother (even if you aren’t) but let him know that you cannot be involved with his brother.

Let your hubby know that it’s OK for him to talk to his brother, but remind him that the brother cannot come to your home, and you do not want any of your shared money to be given to the brother.

Just have a nice, but serious talk with your hubby who may have “conveniently” forgotten how you feel about his brother.

Not sure how the brother could have texted you if you had him blocked. Look into blocking him again. If he texts you again, show the texts to your hubby, but don’t reply to the brother anymore. Let your husband deal with him exclusively.

I’ll take a deep breath here and tap into my inner girl.

First thing, you didn’t say how Bro got in touch with you. Just contacting you is sign of a problem. You’ve blocked him, you’ve made it perfectly clear you don’t want to hear from him, and here he is violating your boundaries. Worse, unless there’s some innocent explanation I’m not thinking of, it’s downright creepy that he’s gone to the trouble of figuring out how to get around your block. Bro is bullying and stalking you. He’s bullying Hubby too, by making you miserable.

As an honorary girl, I would tell Hubby it’s time we decided between ourselves what we’re going to do about Bro, and put up a united front. Well, the united front will be Hubby, and you can relax in his shadow, because he’s going to make sure Bro will never bother you again.

I would tell Hubby that you’ve been trying to stay out from in between them, but that’s not your job. You and Hubby need to take care of each other; your priority as a couple needs to be keeping Bro out from between you two.

You didn’t say how Bro is trying to mess with your marriage. I’m guessing you’re not talking about his “stroke”. You mention that he talks to Hubby sometimes? If he’s badmouthing you to Hubby, make that the second item of business when you sit down to talk about stopping Bro’s bullying. Make sure you and Hubby are on the same side, you both know that Bro is fill of broshit, and Hubby isn’t going to take anything Bro says seriously, and you’re his wife, so he’s going to take everything you say seriously.

Now, you mentioned drugs. So we must have some compassion for Bro. He’s having a really hard time in his life. That doesn’t mean his abuse is ok, and it doesn’t mean you have to take his abuse. It just means, once Hubby helps you to be safe from Bro, you can feel the same toward him as you would if he weren’t bullying you; you could see that he’s a victim of his circumstances, and think of him more like a kid who can’t control himself than someone who is just mean.

It’s not your job to be Bro’s punching bag, or to take abuse on behalf of your husband. It’s not anyone’s job to take abuse, but definitely not yours. Clear the air with your man, make sure you’re on the same side and following the same action plan.

Try to get Bro some help, if you can. Maybe you’ve already done that. Drugs really suck. Peace to all three of you.

@Kardamom & @Dutchess I got a new phone since the ‘big blow up’ last spring and just hadn’t put his number in my phone, so didn’t even block it. I guess he saved it, I don’t know.

I actually just got another text asking if I’d told his brother. I said yes and that he should call or text his brother directly and told him to ‘feel better’. Hopefully the end.

And I did talk to my husband about it again, too. He says he is just as frustrated as I am and doensn’t really know what to do because John doesn’t listen to anyone about anything.

If he hadn’t texted about having a stroke, I would not have responded.

Basically the big blow up last spring was because another brother asked to live with us a few months, and due to drug use, we said no (his mom lives a few blocks away and has a guest room for him, too, btw.) So I had two of his brother pissed at me. I love these guys, I really do, but I don’t want any part of them unless they are clean & sober and now one is but this one is not.

I honestly just don’t know what else to do than to cut off all ties like you guys said, and refer him to his brother. (BTW, my husband said John is not responding to HIS texts today.)

@SaganRitual That’s exactly how I feel, like a punching bag.

As far as our marriage, he implies things about my husband. In the first round of texts at lunch, he says he only ‘sees his brother at a mutual friends house’, three seperate times. He has implied my husband may be cheating, or where he’s not supposed to be, and only to me, then denies it until I pull out the texts. Then he gets really mad and starts in on my being a bitch. He even threatened last year to come to a city council meeting and tell them what a bitch I was. I said John, as of right now if you don’t stop abusing me, you no longer have a sister in me and I love you but just stop now before you go too far. He kept going.

Now I proved him wrong (via a third party) about my own husband last spring and that’s when I became a bitch and apparently worthy of abuse. Just to see if he was telling me something I needed to know, or being a drama king. He’s a major drama king.

I’ll talk to hubby and MIL again tonight, this has to stop.

He did have an opioid addiction (broken neck) and was on ceboxin for a long time, then he quit that program. He is my age, 45 years old.

@Kardamom Yes, actually two of his brothers hurt me a lot, I grew up knowing I had half-sibs I couldn’t talk to and finally had two brothers I loved. And I would have done anything for them.

I will never come between family, that’s a big line here, but I won’t tolerate abuse or interference in my marriage either.

@KNOWITALL You don’t need to come between them, you just need to step out of the picture.

Block him again, and like @SaganRitual said, be a united front with your hubby, and have a plan of action. Know what you will do and say if the brother causes more trouble. Just make sure your hubby understands that you cannot be involved with the brother any longer. And remind him that you understand that he (hubby) will be involved, but only outside of your home.

Hopefully your MIL and hubby can talk with you too, on a second “serious” talk so that she knows too, that you are stepping away from the brother, and let her know why, just in case she hears false, ugly statements about you from the brother.

Don’t beat yourself up about having to distance yourself from the brother. You can love someone from afar, even if you don’t like them, because of how they’ve treated you. It’s not your responsibility to do what the brother wants, it’s your responsibility to your marriage, to keep yourself safe, and to not allow yourself to be driven to crazy town.

I hope this situation gets a little better soon. Please keep us updated. (((Hugs)))

In my opinion it has nothing to do with being sibilings, other than you know things about each other that the rest of the world doesn’t. I don’t think there is anything to understand.

I agree that he’s being stalky.

Block him again, and yes, let your husband deal with the abuse. He’s a big boy. He can block him if he wants.

@Dutchess_III I think he’s being stalky, too.

What he meant about siblings, is that I don’t understand the forgive and forget part of it. They can just go on like nothing ever happened and I’m just not like that.

I remember everything they said, saved messages and screen shots, and want to talk it through so we can be a close family again. I mean we were really close for the first 14 years of my marriage as well as before my marriage to their brother. They are NOT communicators…lol

Thanks for all the advice, I wouldn’t have asked but I’m too close to this one and gravitate between forgiving them everything, setting boundaries, or just extricating them from my life, which I don’t really feel is right to do to my husband.

Setting boundaries with people that are harmful to you (either mentally or physically) is a good thing, and you should not feel guilty about it.

It doesn’t matter if you have 1 year, or 14 years, or 100 years of history with the brother. Right now the brother is toxic for you. Don’t try to romanticize the familial tie.

If brother gets healthy, seeks ongoing counseling, and apologizes to you somewhere down the line, then you can rethink the separation that needs to be in place now, because you are dealing with the current situation now, not the romanticized version of the past. And you don’t need to feel crappy about saving your sanity, or preserving your safety.

@Kardamom Ya, I know you’re right and he never has apologized for last year, still.

haha, how do you know me like that, I do romanticize the sibling relationship just because I want them so bad. Good catch, smart gal!

Is your husband supportive?

@Dutchess_III
When it comes to family, my husband is kind of a weenie. He’d rather avoid confrontation and be superficially pleasant when we do holidays.
They give John a lot of passes because he is so much like their dad in his big bullying attitude, that he got most of the beatings growing up (from their father.) My husband is the baby, so he had it the lightest, so may be some resentment there, too.

Oh gosh. Well, I don’t blame your husband. He grew up learning how to not rock the boat. That’s more like what he meant by “siblings…” it’s the family dynamics they grew up under together.

Didn’t you say there was a big respite when you had everything blocked? I mean, he may still contact your husband but you don’t have to know about it, right? I don’t think we can fix this. We can only try to make it invisible to you.

@Dutchess_III Yes, their family is pretty dysfunctional.

Yes, today’s the first time I’ve heard from him in a year, but it was same ol drama. I’m just worried it will continue now that I messed up and replied. But when he mentioned being at hospital, I didn’t want to ignore that, you know. I still care even if I don’t like him.

I’m going to keep him blocked on everything but my cell, just in case of emergencies. And I won’t reply unless it’s a case like today. Thanks Dutchess!

Well, you blocked him before and it worked. No reason to think it won’t work again.
Honestly…I’d leave the emergencies to his family. THEY can let you know if you need to know something.

Good luck.

Family drama turns my stomach.

I will handle it like a good family member. Be sympathetic to him on the surface but sceptical of his action behind him. His information will give me a good opportunity to verify it with my spouse (or verify it myself if necessary). Unless he call nonstop or send obscene texts to my cellphone I find him easy to ignore, and if I have the time to spare I’ll just coddle him like a spoiled brat he is (believe me it’s entertaining to play the caring mother part). Otherwise, I’ll tell him I’m too busy to do anything with him.

My MIL thinks he did have a small stroke and he’s seeing a doctor tomorrow but this just his version. My husband asked him why he has to text me and he just blew him off. So my sweet, loves everyone husband says he may have to get nasty to make the point. Smh, we’ll see I guess.

He doesn’t have to get nasty with his brother. All he has to say is “Do not bother, or contact my wife. If you need to get ahold of me, then call me, but don’t call my wife.” That’s it.

You should absolutely block the brother. If there is an emergency, either your husband or your MIL will be notified, and they can pass the information along to you. There is no reason that you should allow him any access.

You can care about his well being, without being involved, directly. By noy blocking him, you are setting yourself up for more problems. Don’t let him play you. He already knows you are a nice person, a soft touch, an easy person to manipulate for his own needs. Don’t allow him to do that to you. He is not your responsibility.

Lots of good advice here. I would add, that I think you should make sure you are never alone with this guy. Carry mace, and be wary of him.

I think you should have a long, detailed talk with your husband. Tell him everything. Tell him, you may need to contact law enforcement. If his brother has drug issues, he’s probably had legal issues as well. Maybe he’ll back off, if he thinks he may get into more trouble.

Unfortunately, with people who have drug problems, it’s best to cut them off. I know that sounds bad, but those people become like a drowning victim. They will likely pull others into danger, when they try to help.

Please be careful with this guy. He sounds like a dangerous piece of shit.

Wait for his imminent death then party like a bitch.

@Kardamom so he tells him not to contact @KNOWITALL, and he does it anyway. Then what?

She should tell her husband, ahead of time, that if the brother does contact her again, despite blocking him, she will contact the police and take legal action. Her husband needs to know this in advance, so that he will know how serious this is, and so he won’t be shocked if she does call the police. Her husband should also relay the info to his brother, that she will call the police and ask for a restraining order against the brother if he tries to contact her.

Everyone should be on the same page, and know what to expect.

But she just doesn’t want to do that to her husband. He’s stuck in the middle of all this. She doesn’t want to make it more difficult for him.

I hope it gets resolved.

@KNOWITALL…. if he contacts you again can you just tell him, in no uncertain terms, to go take a flying fucking leap?? What would happen if you did that?

@Dutchess_III I did last year and he stopped. If it happens again (after his hospital day yesterday) I’ll be back on high alert. And yes, I can totally tell him that but he’s a big guy and pretty crazy, I am confident in myself and not a lightweight, but I couldn’t defend myself well against him. My husband still has a bb in his neck from when John shot him as a child and it’s too close to the jugular to remove it. He knows John’s not stable.

BTW- MIL and husband both checked phones and he had not tried to call or text either of them before contacting me, and being a turd about it.

But some mace is never a bad idea.

@MrGrimm888 A guy friend said bear mace is the best, what say you?

This is just awful. It’s almost like you need to move and hide…..

@Dutchess_III haha, no way! He’s the kind of guy you can never back down from or he’ll use that against you for all time. Now, if he ever comes on my property, that will be a major problem and things will get real.

Shoot him!

Hang in there.

@Dutchess_III Thanks, no news is good news…lol

@KNOWITALL . Bear mace is indeed nasty stuff, but is typically way bigger, and harder to carry. Regular mace is effective. Put one on your key chain, and it wouldn’t hurt to have one somewhere else you might be without your keys. You should be able to buy the smaller units for under $25.
Believe it or not, wasp spray is a very effective defense as well. It has a long range, and is cheaper, and easier to find.

Bear mace might kill. Just get some regular mace. That way you won’t be reluctant to use it. If you have to use it, spray it in a figure 8 pattern, focusing on the nose and eyes. That way, he can’t block the stream. Don’t hang around after you spray. Run, and scream. Scream “fire.” I know that sounds odd, but people will always help with a fire, but may not want to get involved in a problem.

Being very aware of your surroundings, and staying away from the guy are key. As I mentioned, threaten to call the cops. If he persists, I would speak to an officer, and start documentation. I recommend you take this situation very seriously.

@MrGrimm888 Thank you!

^You’re welcome. Hopefully, this works itself out. He’ll likely get himself thrown in jail, or flame out some other way. I just don’t want you around when that occurs.

Peace n love.

@MrGrimm888 Same here brudda.

Stay woke. Deuces.