Do my experiences with my father count as abuse of some sort or am I just overthinking and have some gross desire to be a victim?

Mental illness can be genetics, so your best bet is to seek a doctor for diagnosis/ treatment, and therapy.

As a child who grew up with a depressed person, it can be traumatizing, and odd, so distancing yourself is completely normal at your age. You don’t have to be responsible for your parent’s mental attitude anymore, you can be you, and be free.

But do seek help to make sure you don’t end up the same way.

His behavior to you is NOT normal. Perhaps he was grooming you to accept sexual overtones for later?
I would talk with a qualified Counselor as soon as possible and avoid your father until the Counselor agrees that it is safe to do so..but don’t count on it.
He as a father has blurred his boundaries with you.
You are not responsible to be his sexual playmate nor replaced wife.
Once you are in a normal healthy relationship with a male more suitable for you, then you will realize all the innuendos implied by his behaviors in the past.
A lot were ways to get closer to you sexually and to make you feel comfortable in allowing it by instilling the doubts in your mind now.
No doubt as he WAS irresponsible in doing that to you,I am sorry to say but please get Professional help now so that you can realize that YOU were a child being exploited or groomed to be for him.
No wonder the confusion..as you do not know what the implications were about.
And if he was abused the same way by his father he has not learned how to deal with the guilt so he repeats this perhaps unconsciously?
But harmful to both of you especially YOU!
Get away, stay away from him and others that subject you to humiliation in this way as a means to control you.
Make an appointment with a professional to learn how to heal and approach this better for your own mental health and physical health before anything more happens as now you are of legal age.I hope that he has or had not found another victim such as you were?

Sounds like your dad was REALLY invading your space. To me it is weird. Sounds like it is to you, too. But here’s the thing…are you really going to let him continue to make you miserable? You are now legally an adult. You are allowed to make your own life. Take the parts of your parents that you liked and cling to those and take the parts that weirded you out and recognize them as being weird and understand why. And don’t repeat them in your life. Set your expectations for life now. Know what you expect out of a relationship and hold out for it. Don’t compromise your standards. Don’t dwell on the past…learn from it.

Yes, you need to talk to a professional. And guard yourself against perpetuating the behaviors with your own kids.

Your body and mind have obviously been affected by the behavior of your father. You need to talk this out with a professional. You are still so young. Do it while your brain isn’t yet fully formed and you have a better chance of changing your thought patterns and behaviors.

You are already reaching out for help and that’s a great start, but strangers over the internet cannot give you the type of help you need.

Good luck.

You were thinking quite intelligently in that his sense of boundaries could be warped due to his weird childhood.
He has probably never meant you any harm. However, even if by accident, he did cause you grief and confusion.
You should find someone you trust to talk with at length about the whole thing.
If you care about any relationship with your father from now on, you will have to have an in depth discussion with him. You don’t need the pressure of doing so right away. Wait until you have a strong grip on your feelings, and how to go forward with life in general.

There is no reason to feel creepy about yourself. Whatever is intentions, innocent or not, you were a child. Children get their cues from adults. Even with things we dislike, we believe our lives are basically normal, unless and until the outside world tells us otherwise.
As you have been growing, learning, and maturing, you have come to understand you didn’t have to allow behavior which is demeaning or invasive. You didn’t understand while growing up that sometimes it is okay for kids to say no to adults. You are not at fault. Maybe he is, or maybe he doesn’t understand he did anything wrong. Either way, he needs to be confronted and made to understand he cannot treat people in those ways.

I applaud your bravery. It isn’t easy to discuss such things, or to let your feelings just hang out there.
Give yourself a pat on the back for having the strength to face what you know, and to seek a way to move forward.
Remember, we are not defined by what happens to us, but how well we face the future in spite of what happens to us.

Wow. That’s a lot to have to carry around. The first thing you need to know is that you’re not total shit. You don’t even smell bad. You’re not a bad person, on so many levels. Next thing, there’s nothing wrong with thoughts. Your brain is your own property, and you can do whatever you like with it, and you can’t hurt anyone with it. Have any thought you like. By the same token, your desires aren’t gross, even if you desire to be a victim. There’s no moral failing in having that desire. The only reason it’s problematic is that it is negatively impacting the quality of your life. Don’t judge yourself. If you desire to be a victim, it’s because that’s what has worked for you in your life. If you want to change it, you have to learn how; it’s not like you can just pray for a pure heart and then you’ll stop being a victim. It’s not a moral failing, it’s just that you need to learn other approaches to problem-solving.

Next, you say having these thoughts is making you feel like you’re a bad child. Here’s another way to say it: your thoughts are not allowed to track reality, not allowed to track your observations, the things you see with your own eyes. No, for some reason you are forced to disconnect from reality in order to live up to some standard of goodness as a child. Forbidding yourself to investigate, and reflect, and seek the truth, it’s not good for you.

Yes, your dad has some boundary issues, which makes perfect sense given his childhood. I never like to talk about labels like “abuse” or “assault”, because it doesn’t matter what you call it—your dad certainly wouldn’t call it abuse. But clearly, it’s unhealthy behavior between a parent and a child, and clearly, it has left you with a gigantic emotional burden. More than just the physical impropriety. Far more. You’re protecting him even from yourself, feeling bad when your thoughts turn toward clear-eyed reflection on your relationship. He taught you that you’re responsible for his emotions with comments about treating him like shit when you didn’t want to visit. You as a child should never have even known he was unhappy when you didn’t want to visit. That’s just too much of an emotional burden.

Obviously, he never meant to harm you. I’ve met some child molesters in my life. They didn’t want to harm their victims either. But they didn’t think they were causing harm. Your dad wouldn’t have treated you that way if he had thought he was harming you. But that doesn’t mean you weren’t harmed.

You say you can’t move on until you get past this gray area, but it’s not clear what gray area you’re talking about. If you mean suppressing your thoughts so they track Dad’s emotional needs more than they track reality, well, hopefully you can see the door out of the gray area now.

If you can afford it, go see a counselor. If not, look around online for a forum; there must be dozens of forums where people talk about ways of coping with parental shortcomings. Best of luck to you both.