I can speak with authority on this one, having botched my one attempt, and having found myself still imprisoned on this horrid planet when I woke up in the hospital. But I haven’t tried again. Why? Because (1) I’m afraid of suffering and (2) the drugs I used for doing it painlessly were easy to access, because I had a drug-addicted girlfriend who kept herself stocked up. I stole a bottle of soma from her, and started downing pills (soma just makes you fall asleep, no pain).That was years ago. I broke up with her not long after that, and she got herself cleaned up. I don’t know where to get more. And I can’t afford them anyway.
As I say, I’m afraid of suffering, so I went for the drugs, rather than strangling myself or jumping off a building. Sitting here at home over the last ten years, usually unable to go out the front door, I’ve found myself trying a few different things: putting a plastic bag over my head, trying to “choke myself out” with a belt and leave it tight, so the blood wouldn’t start flowing when I passed out. But you know, either I did that choking out thing wrong, or there’s something no one tells you: there’s a moment during the process when it feels worse than any feeling I’ve ever felt before, very similar to the feeling of panic you get when you hold your breath too long (or put a plastic bag over your head). I couldn’t push my way through that awful feeling. So I’m stuck here.
What do I do with the thoughts? I just suffer. I watch my birthdays creep by with maddening slowness. I cry all day on the New Year, as it reminds me painfully of how many years I still have looming in front of me: at least 40, if I live as long as the other men in my family. That’s a long time.
I disconnected myself from all my friends, so there won’t be a big uproar when I’m gone. I have one friend left, and one family member (I was already estranged from the rest of my family). I can’t seem to shake these two loose. They have both given me a really hard time about my one attempt, and insisted they would be absolutely devastated if I were to kill myself. Although it sounds terrible, I have wished death on both of them, so I can be free of this place. (I don’t mean I’ve told them of my wishes. I just mean sometimes it gets really bad.)
I do other things too. I go to the psychiatrist, because my remaining friend pesters me mercilessly about it. My psychiatrist gives me drugs that lift me up from suicidal to just pissed off that I’m stuck here for another four decades. The drugs also make it nearly impossible to have an orgasm. That is going to make forty years a really long time. I mean, it was going to happen anyway, but I could have gotten ten more years, I’m sure, and a tapering off, rather than a sudden loss, like an amputation, like losing my best friend.
I also see a therapist regularly. For a couple of years, I went twice a week. Then I ran out of money, because I couldn’t stay employed when I stopped going out of the house. But I can afford once a month on my Social Security income—for which, by the way, I thank you and all the other American taxpayers here. If your friend can afford therapy, tell him to do that. See if a therapist can help him to work through his feelings. Many people get a lot of benefit from therapy. And a therapist can say whether a visit to a psychiatrist is advisable.
Also tell him the usual things: eat better, meaning less sugar, less processed food, more food that doesn’t come in a package. Drag him out of the house to get exercise, the more the better, but even a half-hour walk every day is useful. He needs to find a hobby. Helping other people is really rewarding. Of course, being mean to them is fun too. Whichever works best. And you, pester him, the way my friend pesters me, by not letting me sit home alone in the dark. She texts me at least once a day to make sure I’m still here, using up oxygen that would surely serve a better purpose in someone else’s lungs. I hate her for this, but your friend might benefit. I’m told that I’m an exceptionally hard case, which is why the doctor had to give me so much medication that I can’t even enjoy playing with myself any more. I guess most people have better brain chemistry and don’t need a handful of horse pills every day.
Tell him to do all the above things, and with any luck he’ll feel better. Tell him he’s not alone, and there’s hope. Peace to both of you