Her husband is dying. What words of comfort can I give her?
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Aster (
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October 30th, 2018
A close friend of mine , 77, also in poor health has a husband dying of brain cancer. She lives 45 miles from me and might as well have no children or grandchidren. They live over 1,500 miles away and seem to have washed their hands of her.
She is in an understandably terrible emotional state, calls crying loudly for five minutes. She does have a wonderful friend, a nun, who lives 15 miles from her who has taken her to mass and other places (the nun works at the hospital). I really do not want to leave my husband home alone overnight due to his being partially disabled. What can I do for her? She tends to lean heavily on her friends of which she has about five. She is on day 3 of sleeping in her husband’s hospital room and is exhausted.
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12 Answers
What a sad situation for your friend. Now is when she needs her family the most, so I’d hope she has reached out to them to say their goodbye’s, help support her, etc…
All I think you can do is let her vent, listen with love, and maybe encourage her to find a support system in her community.
She calls her son wanting to fly up for Thanksgiving but, knowing she has had seizures and strokes tells her they ” don’t know where they’ll be on that day. ” Her closest friend died 3 years ago or so.
How on earth she could visit her son when her husband is near death or will be gone by then is beyond me.
One good thing is her husband’s sister lives in her small town and has provided some transportation for her to grocery shop.
Listening to her cry is probably the best gift you can give her. If you want to do something material, perhaps you can go there for a day and take her out to lunch? Or send some little nurturing gifts like chocolate or bath salts? But I do think the role of an empathetic listener is the key.
@Aster Sounds like a lot of families anymore, discarding their elderly or infirm to make their lives easier. It’s soooo sad.
I recently was sympathized with for helping take care of my mom during her cancer for the last eight years and I corrected them, saying “Oh no, it’s my PRIVELAGE, not a burden.” People are so callous.
Listen, open your heart and be there for her (emotionally). Echo her energy, but also try to keep things positive. That’s what matters most. She’s lucky to have a friend like you @Aster. Comforting a friend through loss and tragedy can be very hard and exhausting. Best wishes to you in this difficult time.
Save yourself the trouble! Go by a sympathy card! Buy her some flowers! Tell her how you’re thinking about her, and keeping the two of them in your thoughts.
Seriously! And how sweet you are to care so much! (Don’t tell her that; it’s from me to you.)
The Best Things to Say to Someone in Grief
1. I am so sorry for your loss.
2. I wish I had the right words, just know I care.
3. I don’t know how you feel, but I am here to help in any way I can.
4. You and your loved one will be in my thoughts and prayers.
5. My favorite memory of your loved one is…
6. I am always just a phone call away
7. Give a hug instead of saying something
8. We all need help at times like this, I am here for you
9. I am usually up early or late, if you need anything
10. Saying nothing, just be with the person
The Worst Things to Say to Someone in Grief
1. At least she lived a long life, many people die young
2. He is in a better place
3. She brought this on herself
4. There is a reason for everything
5. Aren’t you over him yet, he has been dead for awhile now
6. You can have another child still
7. She was such a good person God wanted her to be with him
8. I know how you feel
9. She did what she came here to do and it was her time to go
10. Be strong
https://grief.com/10-best-worst-things-to-say-to-someone-in-grief/
He’s still alive, @Inspired_2write and I’ve sent 3 “sympathy” cards. I am thinking of driving up there with flowers . Not tomorrow; strong storms are predicted and the entrances to the place have all changed. I need glasses badly.
Or I could have flowers sent to his room. I guess men get flowers too? He’ll be out of ICU soon and have a private room. They are making him WALK and have to hold him up with a belt. He just wants to stay in bed. Stage 4 brain cancer and they have him walking. They call it his physical therapy. I call it money grubbing.
@kritiper I tell her all the time I’m thinking of them all day long , sent three cards so far but no flowers. Yet. He’s blind in one eye now.
At this point, NOTHING will comfort her!!! Accept her calls & be a good friend by allowing her to let out whatever she feels she can with you. Save your visit until after he has passed. She will “need” a loving friend more then than she does right now!!! Right now, ALL her energies are going into taking care of him. Once he’s passed, she will be ALL ALONE & very lonesome!!! That’s when she will “need” her friends.
Don’t say anything. Just be there with them.
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