How do I help my boyfriend and give him his space and not take it personally?

While it is a good sign that he is aware of his behavior (of pushing people away) and that he warned you in advance, the bigger questions are “What is the root cause of this behavior?” and “Is he addressing it like an adult (i.e. talking to a therapist/counselor)?”

If he doesn’t know and is not, you have to decide if you want to be in a relationship where this occurs, however infrequently. Odds are, if he’s not getting some help with it, it’ll only get worse. I know this from experience.

When we’ve talked about it he’s said things like I’ve always been like this. And the last time B4 this episode he afterwards mentioned he was researching depression and how some people push everyone away bc they can’t handle being around anyone. I do know he loves me and he does this to everyone. I just don’t know what to do to help him and respect his wishes.

The words ”...it’s usually way meaner than he usually is….” sent warning bells ringing loud and clear. It’s time to think about yourself. He will only get worse, not better, as long as you allow him to treat you badly.
I would reconsider this relationship.

He doesn’t treat me badly it’s more of EVERYONEleaves me tf alone. Thats the worse he’s ever said to me… And again his words are never directed at me. He makes sure of that.

“ I just don’t know what to do to help him and respect his wishes. “

I would speak to him when he’s ready to talk and suggest that he should find a good counselor.

This sort of behavior will make his relationships, with you or anybody, very difficult to impossible.

What is his father’s relationship like with his mother? What are his parent’s relationships like with him?

I will discuss that with him when he’s ready.
His father and him are super close his dad raised him full time after the divorce and he seen his mom during the summer. His parents get along after the divorce and both ar happily remarried. His mom lives a bit a distance away so they see each other when she’s in town or he visits her.

And all that being said. I’m just hoping to understand why he’s like this more then anything bc when he’s not deeply depressed he’s so amazing to me and everyone he loves. I want to love him through this

Many people need time away from others, especially when they’re upset. For people who always want company, that can be hard to relate to.

For such people, being understood in a way that you let them have their time & space to themselves when they need it, can actually be (for them) much more intimate than being around them when they need their space. And the quality of time you’ll get while being around someone who needs to be alone for awhile, can be very low, smothering and destructive to relationships.

Zaku thank you that helps a lot. He’s a great guy and I love him so much. I just worry about him bc I do love him. I still send him random msgs to let him know I still care and am here if he needs me but I am trying to let him deal with it they he needs to. Thanks again

@HeatherTerwilliger Very glad to help. As such a person myself, it’s been very hard when in a relationship with someone who can’t/won’y accept/understand that, and very great when people do.

This question popped up over yonder. Maybe it will help you.

Zaku I’m trying to except it. Bc this is only one side of him.. he is so much more than this. He is amazing to me. And yes even when he’s in a good place he still likes time to himself and I get that and respect it. It’s when he goes silent bc we don’t live together I worry. But I also know he said he does this for him and let’s no one in when he does. So I’d there anything else I can do to help him out??

Dutchess yes that helped. Thank you. Its helping me to understand what he needs and that it’s nothing personal towards me

If you can relate to it as a normal and healthy way for him to be, rather than something negative or strange, that makes a big difference.

And, there might be other things going on with him than that, that are making him have a hard time. I don’t know what those are or if you can help with those. But giving this kind of acceptance and understanding can give him a lot of space and opportunity to work through things.

Zaku again thank you for your help. It really helps. Bc a lot of people think badly of him and I know that this isn’t who he completely is. So having someone explain how it is for him helps a lot

It also helps that the last time we spoke he said he loved me multiple times even though he wasn’t out of the darkness yet.

@Zaku can I ask… You being one who needs space and alone time how long have you been in that mood? I guess I’m asking what’s the longest you’ve gone with minimal to no conversation? If that’s too personal I apologise. Again thank you for your help

Well personally, although I enjoy being alone and it helps me decompress, I don’t think I have actually told people to leave me alone for more than a couple days at a time. I have spent up to a few weeks alone (though talking a bit to strangers) just enjoying that state, not depressed.

However my father, who is similar in some ways but different in others, sometimes has become incommunicative for a month or more, usually when he’s going through something (often a health issue).

To be clear, I think wanting/needing/benefitting from time alone is normal and healthy for many people, but it sounds like your bf is dealing with something on top of that, perhaps depression. That tends to call for personal work (and maybe outside help), but acceptance, allowing and understanding definitely help support that.

@Zaku thank you for your help yesterday. It gave me alot to think about. It helps seeing things in a different perspective and seeing how he feels. You helped me see it’s nothing I did not only bc he warned me that he was like this but he does it to everyone in his life when he does. I will do my best to honor his wishes to have space but still occasionally remind him I’m here and care. Again thank you so much for your help!

@HeatherTerwilliger I’m so glad! :-)

I think he needs help and you should encourage him to get it. These are warning signs. Frankly I dont think its healthy. Mental illness is serious and very destructive. Sometimes medication and therapy help.

Ignoring things rarely solves the core issue and could get worse. My mom and husband both suffered bouts of depression but never went black for days. This sounds serious from my experience.

It sounds like your boyfriend suffers from depression, or more likely from bi-polar disorder. None of these go away by themselves. He’s already treating you and others poorly when he gets in his “moods”. It’s not fair for you to have to put up with that kind of treatment, not even if you love him, not even if he treats you kindly when he is not in one of his moods.

He needs counseling, and possibly meds. This kind of situation isn’t necessarily “caused” by anything other than his own brain chemistry. That doesn’t make it OK for him to treat you (or the others) badly.

When he’s in a more docile state, you should suggest that it is upsetting to you how he treats you (and others) when he gets like that, and point out that his actions are classic signs of depression, and bi-polar disorder and you would like him to consider getting treatment.

If he refuses to get treatment, then you should consider breaking up with him, because it will get worse, not better, without treatment. I know this from experience.

I see a lot of alarm over the description that he’s meaner in this state, to watch out for that.
Frankly, if he wants to be alone, private, I can see how he’d seem pissed all the time to someone who is interacting with him.
Also, if he has a sense he’s going to be in a foul mood, and wants to sequester himself when that happens, I applaud his proactive approach to the hazard.
If supported, it seems to me this could be a growth period for him, and he could come back having clarified an aspect of himself at some level.

There are reasons aside from depression and bipolar that can cause isolation (I isolate and push people away due to PTSD, which is extremely common, along with irritated mood and some people even deal with outbursts). People with borderline personality disorder can also push people away angrily. People with either disorder may isolate themselves because of the irritated mood in hopes of avoiding snapping at someone they love and some of us isolate out of fear. There’s no way to know why he is doing it without him seeing a professional.

But, as a person who isolates due to my mental health, including from my closest loved ones, you are helping by giving him his space when he needs it. It isn’t your job to fix him or help him from his pain, he has to do that himself. Be supportive, be there if he asks for you to do something, but if you are not happy with being pushed away and you don’t see your loved one doing anything to address the root cause, you might want to consider why you are tolerating that and how long you can put up with it if it never changes. Because, honestly, I am 36 years old and I still push my closest loved ones away when my PTSD is “active” and for some people who have long term issues like that even with treatment, it may always be a thing. In a romantic relationship, that can take a real toll.

(It still bothers me that she described him as ”...meaner than usual….”.)

@Dutchess_III I think she’s referring to the time he’s in a mood to be left alone. Where it may be just some grumbling in the past, he may be more verbal and mean about it lately. Like my mom. Some days she just wants to be left alone and will lightly complain when people won’t leave her alone, and other days she will have had enough and be a bit nasty. Doesn’t mean she is like this all the time. When we were kids we learned to give her, her space when she was moody. My dad was the only person who she would never snap at because he knew how to make her laugh no matter what. Some people are moody and need time to center themselves. If it isn’t depression that it may be that he feels too many people rely on him a lot. If that is the case and he can’t learn how to say no, then she either has to find a way to lessen his obligations or move on. Some people put a lot on themselves and then get overwhelmed because they don’t know how to say no.

@ANef_is_Enuf thanks. That helps. I will say I stick around b. I do love him and I know he loves me too. It helps seeing it from someone else’s point of view. He’s not like this very often and yes he has been like this for years which is why he warned me that he can be like this. Which is another reason why I’m still here for him bc I know it’s nothing to do with me. And when I made the meaner comment it was more that he used swear words not that he’s mean to me. Again thank you for your help

@HeatherTerwilliger I would just advise you to seriously consider a future a with him. How will your children react to daddy’s bad times? How will you react as a wife, mother or office worker? It basically means that if he doesn’t get it handled via therapy or medication, etc… that you will be very alone at times. If he’s in a black mood and doesn’t want to pick up the kids while you’re at work or something else….just think of the ramifications. It’s hard when you’re young to look into the future and see how unhappy you may become, but it’s a real possibility. Peace and good luck to you both.

@KNOWITALL I appreciate your opinion. We both already have our own kids from different relationships and I’m not that young lol. I battle mental health myself and couldn’t imagine not having the patience that my loved ones have given to me. I love him and know he loves me. This is a dark place for him and I want to be there for him in whatever way I can including giving him space to work it out alone if he wants. I just want suggestions on how to help him or if giving him his space will be enough. He’s a great guy and normal is amazing to me and all his loved ones.

Since you are not yet able to see the repercussions of staying with this person without serious interventions, and you are willing to chug along like everything is Ok, I wish you well, and will try again to help, when you are ready for it.