My boyfriend cheated on me and lied to my face. How can I cope with betrayal?
Asked by
dopeguru (
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)
November 28th, 2018
Here’s just my rant/how I feel right now. I have to share it with someone. This is the man who I’m married to. I will refer to him as boyfriend because the marriage wasn’t a “real” marriage, it was an agreement so that we live together in his country. You may have seen my questions related to him. But here’s the last one. It’s over.
We had been talking for two months. He flew to see me, stayed over, and we had a week of intense connection, traveling and many sexual experiences. When he left, he texted me instantly saying he wants to see me again and that it was a lovely time, he didn’t feel this way for a long time with anyone and never cried listening to classical music with a girl (lol).
We texted every day since he left. He was attending a horse racing event for a week that week and sending me many videos from it. Exactly 5 days after he left, we made plans to see each other again in two weeks. That same night he slept with a random girl whom he claims he doesn’t find attractive or like. The details: they had sex twice, once in the bathroom, once in the bedroom where she got on top of him. They didn’t use protection, and he came inside her.
I’d of course been oblivious to any of this. The next day, strangely enough, I wanted to know if he is seeing or sleeping with other girls (since we live a bit far but we will be seeing each other, so I wanted to know this for myself.) he texted me saying he only sees one girl at a time, and that I’m the last person he slept with. I told him me too, and said I only care for honesty in partners, more than anything. He continued to lie.
We went on many holidays, he met my parents, we spent 6 months living together around the world. I felt like he was the person I will marry. Never felt this before with anyone. He said he felt the same.
Occasionally though, he would lie about certain things like never having had sex while on drugs, or about his past and relationships. He told me that that week of horse races, after we spent our first week together, he didn’t even want to kiss anyone. He only talked to a girl at a bar, but then left and didn’t go back to see her, which he said means “I must’ve just been infatuated with you so much that I didn’t care to go back and talk to her more…” We would have discussions where I tell him how much I value honesty after or before he would lie. He would tell me there is absolutely nothing else left that I don’t know, that he told me everything truthfully.
It didn’t even cross my mind that he involved another girl in our relationship. That would be absolute worst thing, and the last thing in my mind. He was just not THAT… I trusted he didn’t do THAT. I was the last person he slept with, after all.
6 months later, which is two days ago, after an argument he confessed to me that he slept with someone on the Saturday of race week. I asked the details, and he told me them. He said she left her stuff at his. So after two months, he talked to her and gave her her stuff back. This was when we’d gotten serious. This was the week after he met my parents. When I thought he was at work, he was walking to the girl he slept with and giving her back her rings.
I started to shake. I was in denial. My had an anxiety attack. Now I’m a mess. I feel everything was a lie. How dare he? How dare he do it, but also how dare he lie about it for such a long time. How dare it be unprotected, when he knew I wanted to do unprotected with him on our next trip and asked him to get a test. He said he hadn’t had unprotected sex in 5 months. How dare he risk my health. How dare he lie to my face, wake up next to me every day and go to bed. I felt safe lying in bed with him. I was a fool. I was living in a different reality. I now question my sanity—I don’t know how to cope with this. I’m afraid of people even more so. I have never been this sad my entire life. I can’t sleep at all. I shake thinking about that night, thinking of him sleeping with a girl and me being oblivious he involved anyone else. He lied. I asked. He lied. He lied. He is a liar. I never knew the person I thought I was closest to.
Now I am married to him though. So its not very easy to just stop.
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24 Answers
We have read all your posts, and dude sounds like a jerk. For me, riding bareback and lying is a dealbreaker. You already know you made a mistake so just stop torturing yourself. Or you can stay married and be miserable.
DTMFA.
Dump the motherfucker already.
Given your state and his behavior, this is irreparable. You won’t ever trust him, and he won’t ever be able to repair his relationship with you.
From what you have said, you are not really married. You two just made some type of agreement. Be thankful for that. Get checked for sexualy transmitted diseases because sometimes people aren’t careful. What is really going to be hard is understanding that those lies he has admitted to aren’t his only lies. Probably each and every time he was away from you, he had another woman with him. Stay far away from this man. He has no heart or soul.
1. Dump him. Break all ties. Forget him. Don’t forgive, don’t beg for him. It’s over.
2. Be smarter in the future.
Get rid of the guy.
Find something to keep you busy until you get over it.
Get checked for disease.
All of the above advice is entirely applicable.
Let’s pick up on “Be smarter in the future.”
To start, promise yourself to be alone for a good while. Don’t get into any relationships. Use this time to really discover who you are, what you value, and what YOU NEED in a partner/friend/lover.
This may take some time, reading, reflection, therapy, hikes, etc.
Then, go do some stuff you love to do. Not with the intention of finding someone, but to be around folks who like stuff you like. This is a good starting point to meeting better quality people.
Betrayal is hard to deal with. Accept that some people are like that and vow to never do it to others. Then get yourself a new BF.
When did the “not real” marriage (living together) become a “real” marriage??? You said you moved to “his” country to live with him; so, I’m assuming that it’s not one of the countries that has extremely strict laws on women’s rights. Regardless, I’d leave him & NOT look back!!!
Since he has NO qualms about lying to you, I’d have NO qualms lying to him!!! Be the loving, dutiful wife then tell him that you have a family emergency & need to return home for e brief period to assist with this emergency. Be sure to tell him how much you’re going to miss him while you’re gone!!! Then really go back home. Once back home..STAY THERE as he cannot force you to return & you’d be STUPID to return on your own!!! Even IF he decides to return home with you, he cannot “make” you return with him. He’s NOT a citizen of your country & eventually his visa will exipire & he’ll “have to” leave…without you!!!
Once free from this deceitful man, be MORE careful who you choose to become close with in the future & LEARN from this error in judgment!!! You do NOT “need” a man in order to be happy; so, LEARN your own worth & continue on with your life…WITHOUT THIS DECEITFUL MAN!!!
Is this the same guy who didn’t wear a condom back in 2016? That question of yours popped up under Related.
Most people then told you to leave him. And why do you call him your boyfriend and the say you are married? Which is it?
Seek professional psychological help. Seriously. None of this will change until you are able to.
I agree with the others that you need to dump this guy, but I am curious, did you ever confront him? Did you ever ask him what he would do if you cheated on him the way that he cheated on you? Not that it makes much difference, but I am curious what his response would be.
I don’t know how you let yourself get into this mess. As soon as you saw the first loads of shit you should have run a mile and not even turned to see what was behind you. Now just cut any ties you may have and never look in that direction again. Save your dignity, you owe it to yourself.
Thank you all. I’d like to add a few things. I consulted my family, particularly the male members, and their response was: “so what? its fine, it was before you two were very very serious.” I tell them, but what about the lies, deceit, for months—- they say “of course he was going to lie! what else? people lie all the time. why would he tell you, is he nuts?”
This is confusing me because I know how I feel and I feel completely deceived and hurt. I see what he did as wrong. Two wrongs. First, sleeping with someone like that, and two for lying like that to that extent, for so long, knowing who I am and where i stand with lies. But my family is confusing me. Please have some insight.
@LostInParadise I did. He said he would be hurt but he would forgive me because it happened at the very beginning. But then again, he is not me.. He is a liar who is afraid of himself, or of losing something. He doesnt seem to know himself. Its very unattractive to think about actually—to show oneself as something he isn’t, and then lie to my face.
I am just an honest girl who expects honesty from others and believe it when they lie in the way he did, consistently. What else am I going to do?
@zenvelo We are married by law but it wasn’t a real one, it was in order for us to live together.
I’m really angry and devastated. I want to make sense of it all, but whenever I talk to him about it, he says he just did it, he wanted to sleep with her. Not once, but twice though? And unprotected… I’m confused as to why, especially 3 days after we meet and have the best time, then we text every day. He texts me more so!
Then he lies and lies and never tells me! I guess the bottom line is what hurts the most is that I was just deceived big big big time. That’s what’s f-ing with me the most.
The bottom line is that what one has done, one will do. At 79, I have had a lot of opportunity to reflect upon the relationships I have had since I was a teen. In every instance, after the glow of emotional intoxication had diminished the then love of my life returned to their pattern of entering into and exiting from relationships.
I do not blame them, I too was doing the same. It was not until I quit trying to find the “right” relationship and allowed someone with whom I would never have thought would be that person to become part of my life that I finally broke my pattern. We dated for three years and now have been married for twenty-five.
As many here have said, end this toxic relationship. It appears that members of your family who have wrongly advised you are still in their early adolescence; many adults remain attached to an immature perspective. Psychological counseling can help you understand why you find doing what is best for you so hard. Ending this relationship will hurt. Surgery hurts, but cutting out a malignancy heals and eventually frees you from the pain it caused.
@Bill1939 I’m wondering, why was it someone you never thought would be that person?
@dopeguru, I suspect that I was unconsciously looking for someone more like myself, and someone whose appearance matched a mental image of a woman that has appeared in dreams since early childhood. This imaginary woman is nothing like my mother who was German-Polish and grew up thinking like an Eastern European urban aristocrat. Instead, she was more rural English-Irish in features and decorum.
I have often wondered where this phantom woman came from. When I was a young man and more open to the idea of reincarnation thought she might be my wife from my previous life; a “Past-Life” spiritualist told me that I had been a teacher in the Eighteenth Century living in a rural part of England. More likely, she is a temporary mother I had at age three when I was put in foster care because my mother had to be hospitalized for an extended period and nearly died.
My birth mother had had a troubled childhood. She lost her father when she was seven and her mother when she was thirteen. She had two stepbrothers who hated her and her father, and when her mother died she had to live with one of them who treated her like Cinderella before the Prince, my father came into her life when she was fifteen. I was conceived and they married when she was seventeen.
By current psychological understanding, she likely was bi-polar. Her behavior towards me and my sister (who had been born during mother’s illness) vacillated between deep love and anger. The women I dated (including one I married and divorced after ten years because of her alcoholism) had psychological problems.
Why dont you just decide to settle for less and be ok with it?
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