Have you ever re-connected with someone who dropped you, or with someone who simply walked away or disappeared, or with someone who you dropped, or walked away from?

One of my dearest friends did something pretty callous to me, when we were in our late teens. I walked away from her because of that.

Fast forward 30 years. Her father had passed away. I joined her and her siblings, who had also been friends of mine back then, at the memorial service. My old friend, as I came to know, had suffered a double mastectomy, had lost a longtime relationship, and had lost both of her parents, and was happy and thrilled to see me. It was clear that she had no recollection of the betrayal that she had done to me (she had been a bit of a druggy at the time, and was more interested in her boyfriend and cocaine at the time, in the early 80’s).

Because she seemed genuinely happy to see me, and to resurrect our friendship, I decided to keep quiet (and not remind her of the betrayal she had done to me). I decided to forgive her, although she didn’t know I was forgiving her, because she didn’t even remember the ugly betrayal, and the fact that she has been clean and sober for 25 years, and because she has suffered tremendous losses in the ensuing years, I stepped back into the picture.

In my case, I am 100% glad I did. She was a wonderful friend before the betrayal. And since she can’t even remember the incident, and because she has demonstrated that she is a kind and wonderful person, it was easier for me to jump back into a friendship, one of my my most important friendships of my life, with her. All she knows is that we were separated because of location and circumstance. She has no idea how angry I was at her for 25 years, because of her selfish betrayal.

Now it doesn’t matter. She is not the same person, and I am not the same person. I have forgiven her, and she has no recollection of the circumstances, and I don’t bring it up. At this time, she would be mortified, and I would be sad, and cruel to bring it up.

She was one of my dearest friends in youth, and she is now one of my dearest friends in middle age. I got lucky. Most people do not.

Unfortunately, there are several people who were very close and dear to me, that I believe are gone forever, because their actions (or lack of actions) were too painful to bear. I can’t imagine them ever coming back into my life.

Tell me about your experiences with loss, redemption, and letting go.

I had a friend I was mighty close to. I moved, she moved, we lost touch.
Forward twenty years I get a message on Facebook. She wanted to know if I was me.

We are no longer as close as we had been. I am glad her life improved. I am glad she found my fb page.

I had a long period of separation from my father. He had mental issues that he refused to acknowledge. It came to a head when I was having my first baby. My (now ex) wife and I decided to have him over for dinner before the baby was born. My wife was about 8 months pregnant at the time. He came over and when we let him in he said hi to me and then looked at my wife, said hi, and then said “wow, you’re fat!”. I reminded him she was 8 months pregnant. He persisted insisting she had put on way too much weight, that it was showing in her face, etc. I basically said “Stop”. We continued on to dinner. During dinner he asked if we had decided on names for the baby. We weren’t sure if it was a boy, but we decided on Caitlin Savannah for a girl. He said “Caitlin…that’s a nice name. Savannah is a ni&&er name!” Again, he persisted for a brief period before I managed to shut him up. His incredible rudeness was intolerable. After he left, I thought more and more about it. I sent him a letter telling him he needed help and that if he wanted to get help, I would be there with him every step of the way. If he chose not to, I didn’t want him darkening my door. I didn’t need his rudeness around my family. We didn’t speak for about 6 years. He almost died before I spoke to him again. He never did get help, but he at least realized what an ass he had been. We were okay again for about 10 years before he finally took his own life.

I planned on reconnecting with my best friend (who I haven’t spoken to in 7 years) to wish him a Merry Christmas and a good New Years, but it was too difficult.

Two of my best friends…one dropped me for outting her cheating a week before marriage. I dropped another friend because she got into meth and made bad decisions.

Both are my Facebook friends and we chat on occasion but those relationships are over. One is in divorce number 2, with four kids lives messed up. The other has a child her parents are raising. Theres nothing there for me to respect or try to help fix.

Something happened at a place I worked at where I was falsely accused of calling another co-worker’s wife with a report that her husband might be cheating on her. About 40 years later, I connected with several of those guys with my side of the story.

There have been a few of people in my life that I have left, or have left me for reasons that seemed important and awful at the time. The passage of decades has rendered so many things moot, I am friends again with a couple of them.

I have reconnected in various degrees with many old lovers and friends. I learned long ago to not carry resentment to the point that it poisons my heart against any reconciliation.

The woman I have been seeing for the last four plus years was someone I went out with a couple times back in 1986. Our second date was a picnic at the beach. On the way home, I asked her what she was going to do with the rest of the weekend, she said,” I am going to John B.’s soccer game tomorrow, thought I’d bake some cookies.” She and John started going together then, and married shortly there after.

Her marriage ended in 2014; we were Facebook friends and I commiserated. 9 months later we started seeing each other long distance. We’ve been together ever since.

@seawulf575 What a sad and upsetting story. It’s too bad that your father never took your advice to seek help.

@kritiper When you reconnected with those people, were you finally believed? That must have been awful for you, to be falsely accused of something.

@zenvelo She finally picked the right guy : )

It was one HELL of a relief!! I’m sure they believed me because I had figured out who the real culprit was and told them so, and this other guy was the type to pull such a stunt and let someone else take the blame and they all knew it.

@kritiper I’m glad to hear that. No one wants to have people think poorly of them, especially when they haven’t done anything wrong. And it’s horrible not to be believed.

@seawulf575 . Savannah is a great name…

Oh, I’ve “reconnected” with a couple ex-girlfriends. Terrible idea.

If you cut someone off, keep them off.

I found my very first boyfriend in high school on FB and we were both elated after it being 38 years since we had spoken. We were both curious about how the other grew up and what kind of adult they became. We are both married. We texted back and forth for 2 years before we decided we wanted to hear each others voice. It amazed me how much he remembered…like my moms spaghetti and i liked lemon ice cream. He was a jock so i really didnt think he would turn into much of anything. Finally he talked me into coming to see him(back in my home town).It was a week of memories I will never forget. Would I do it again.absolutely. Did my husband find out…no. But we both realized how many lives we would disrupt if we decided to “stay together.” and that it would end up somewhat boring as time went by just like the marriages we had at home. We promised never to hear from each other again. Yes….he broke my heart again and I still go over that week in my mind. He said whenever you look at the moon think of me….

@Harper1234 Wow, what a story.

So if I may ask, do you now still think you made the best decision, that a week was enough and your families were more important, or do you wish you’d grabbed for the chance at happiness with him?

No….it was too much like a fairy tale and if we had chosen each other the grind of every day living would have changed things. I didn’t want to give up my 30 year marriage and he had been married 3 times and said that he wasn’t very good at marriage…..but he had so many habits that I wish my husband had and we just “got” each other. HOw many men after 30+ years remembered what kind of ice cream you loved? I doubt my husband knows what color eyes I have. His wife knew and he told her she would just have to understand about us. I am sure it wasn’t easy for her. MY husband was too busy to even figure out what was happening.I had a high school notebook of poems he had written me when we were dating and had kept that book all these years. When we saw each other i gave it back to him and that brought back so many memories for him…and the fact that I had kept it and so many other teenage souveniors like ticket stubs and flowers from the prom and little notes from him telling me he couldn’t wait to see me on the weekend. It was def first love for both of us..emotionally and physically. If my husband dies before me I will get the word back to him somehow….for whatever reason. I remember he asked me to be his guardian angel.

@Harper1234 Obviously I can’t say whether it’s right or wrong to stay in a marriage less satisfying, but man, sure makes you think. I know someone in a similar position, it’s very hurtful for both of them but they have very strong religious beliefs and never were intimate, but they wish they had made different choices.

They also have a hope that maybe someday they’ll get a second chance with each other. Sad.