Is this Intruding On A Marriage?
I have clearly expressed my frustrations with my in laws through this site and here I go again!
As I’ve said before, we rent an apartment in a duplex above my husbands sister, and her husband and kids. We constantly have boundary issues.
His sister has recently got into cooking and can’t for the life of her remember that I have always been a cook and have experienced skills. She will often tell me how something is made or assume I’ve never tried a certain ingredient before. For Xmas she bought us a cast iron skillet and told us we’d love to use it and how to use it etc…. I already had two and used them regularly. It’s just annoying.
I cook mostly vegetarian for both of us even though my husband will eat meat. Since he’s been trying to stick to a healthy diet he prefers our dinners be meat free. Well, just about every night his sister cooks she calls him to tell him to come down and try what she made. She often will give him all the leftovers too. They are always meat heavy dishes that I can’t eat.
One of my joys as his wife is feeding him. He always praises my cooking and I spend a lot of money on interesting ingredients. When she offers him her meals the same time I finish a healthy vegetarian dinner – it makes me feel like I’m being replaced or something.
I know he will always like my cooking and she is just being nice but seriously 5 out of 7 nights she is sending leftover pork and beef meals for him. I wouldn’t mind as much if it was every now and then but it is so frequent.
Aside from all the other ways she intrudes in our marriage, I feel like she is offering ‘better meals’ and I end up looking pale in comparison. I get the feeling she assumes he is starving and hasn’t tasted good food until she offers it.
Would you consider this an intrusion? In a world that there are ‘dynamics’ in a marriage that most people understand, is this a line that she should realize she’s stepping over? Thoughts?
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14 Answers
I can see your point, but it is HIS place to set boundaries with HIS family.
Next time sis says come on down, he should say “My lovely wife has made me a vegan meal that I really need to eat to stay healthy, so I’ll pass but maybe next time.”
And maybe you can show her that you are a good cook by supplying her with some leftovers from your vegan meal, or inviting them up for a meal on a Saturday or something.
Just remember that some people think vegan is tasteless, she may be ignorant but not necessarily trying to be mean or intrusive.
You need to try to stop allowing them to hurt your feelings. Be strong, be confident and assert yourself. If your husband won’t set boundaries, YOU set them, this isn’t 1940 and you are allowed to speak up for yourself. Tell him that if he’s going to eat his sisters food all the time, you’ll stop taking the time to cook every night.
Lastly, you can always move and end the issue. Good luck.
@KNOWITALL was spot on. I think the suggestion to move was the best option, though. Is it feasible for you to move?
I agree with Knowitall as its the husbands problem in not setting them straight and in giving in.
Husband is caught in the middle. He will eat what he wants not what you want.
This isn’t epic intrusion. It’s more just stepping on your toes while dancing.
Your perspective is understandable.
It’s plain how the gesture does come across as offensive to your life choice and you, yourself as a wife but there are other factors to consider:
1. Vegetarian/vegan diets are commonly judged as being less filling and/or less substantial.
You could send the in-laws your leftovers or attempt to invite them over to your unit for dinner so that they can experience your meals. Even the playing field and see if that makes a difference.
2. As this is your husband’s family and his body the decision to either eat her food or tell her off is his not yours.
3. It’s possible that your husband doesn’t actually like your diet but doesn’t have the guts to tell you and his sister’s food provides a good cover while feeding him what he prefers.
The best option would probably be to just move so that food sharing will have to discontinue bu, in any case, I suggest having a discussion with your husband to express your feelings and get everything out in the open.
I agree with the suggestion to move. Not as a last resort but as a priority. Is there a reason you all live so close? I appreciate closeness but this is too much. If feasible, move somewhere close by and bu all means show respect and keep contact, but such a level of closeness does lead to some intrusion whether you like it or not.
I sense his sister is out to compete with you. I may be overly sensitive in seeing this but she seems to want to be one step ahead for some reason. The only way to avoid more problems later on, is too keep a small distance. Heck the last thing I would want is family members watching me discreetly yet closely! Just my opinion.
Moving isn’t really an option. We love our apartment and the area and it’s very expensive to move. We also weighed the options and for now have decided it’s better to work this out than move away.
My husband expressed irritation that she offers up her food all the time. He has blatantly told me he appreciates it but he just doesn’t need it every night. HE said he felt like her garbage disposal.
I realize that he is very often put in the middle. I don’t want to make him choose his sister and mom or choose me. That isn’t what I’m asking.
We moved in so close because the apartment was available at an AMAZING price plus we wanted to be close to their kids to help out. It’s just that she is taking advantage of us being so close.
@ZEPHYRA You hit the nail on the head…. in other areas of her life she ALWAYS has to be one step ahead of everyone and she competes with everyone. I have always given her some sympathy though because I was his first girlfriend and I think she felt replaced in a sister kind of way.
He expresses irritation to you, but not to his sister? He just needs to put his foot down, or simply decline the offer of food.
If he won’t I’d start cooking for one. Yourself.
@Back Maybe she just wants to be close to know you better? And using the food as an excuse. Maybe she wants a break from kids? Is that the only time she sees her brother? Do you give him family time withput you there?
Family is complicated, maybe there is another reason.
She sounds like a control freak to me.
@KNOWITALL She calls him CONSTANTLY asking for something. She calls at least 3 times a day (weekday) for something that SHE needs. On the weekend we will still be sleeping and he’ll have missed calls from her. He babysits all the time with out me and goes to several events with his family while I’m at work or doing something else. I also spend a lot of time with them.
But I think she does just like share and be close to her brother! She likes to control things but she may be lonely or something and that’s why she forces her way in.
It’s hard trying to figure out how to balance things out with us without hurting anyone’s feelings.
@BackinBlack Ya, sounds a little smothering. My Mother in Law was just like that when my husband and I cohabitated. I said you say something or I will. I mean showing up uninvited for coffee at like 6am on Sat and Sun is not cool. So he told her, it hurt her feelings and she stopped. It was chilly for a few months, but we got over it. Now I’m her favorite daughter in law.
All I’m saying is, maybe invite her to lunch and try to bring it up in a friendly way. Like, I really want us to be close and be friends, but we need to set some boundaries. See what she says. It may work and fix everything, communication that’s honest is really beneficial but sometimes painful. Good luck
Well, you can’t move, and your husband won’t say anything so I guess you’re just stuck.
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