What should a good apology contain?

No “but” words.
When “but” is used, it throws an accusation back at the other party.
I was wrong, I didn’t see what I was doing from your point of view, I see now how this hurt you.
Using the “I” word takes on the responsibility of an apology.

An honest eexpression of remorse, and the sincere recognition of your own responsibility in someone else’s hurt. And, of course, the understanding that the recipient of the apology is in no way obligated to accept it or forgive you.

I grew up in a family where the remorseless “apology” was raised to an art form. It took me a long time to recognize the real thing, and learn its value.

I think a lot of people lately are way too specific about what apologies should contain and it just keeps the person hurt in a place of hurt. Many psychologists seem to be reinforcing this.

Usually, it’s difficult for someone to apologize, especially if they specifically reach out to do it, and it isn’t just during a disagreement where someone throws out an “I’m sorry.”

So, I guess I’m more concerned about how people receive apologies than say them. When someone apologizes to me, most often I try to release them from the regret and stress they are feeling if it is something minor like an invitation oversight.

Obviously, some things are very serious hurts, and apologies are more serious also when this is the case.

I try to listen to what people who have strict rules for apologies require, so I can learn what to say, so I’m going to follow this Q. What I do know is when I apologize I mean it, whether I worded it perfectly or not. I feel badly, I may have made a true mistake, I realize I was wrong, and I hope the other person will forgive me, and I hope they are able to not feel hurt anymore.

I guess I would say be honest. Explain your remorse, state what you did wrong, so they know you understand it. Supposedly, you aren’t supposed to explain why (Sounds like an excuse I guess) but I don’t always fully agree with this, because for me understanding why sometimes helps.

Substantial financial compensation.

First, an admission of the wrongdoing itself. “I failed to listen to what you were trying to tell me.”

Then an acknowledgment of the harm done: “I know it hurt your feelings.”

And finally, an expression of remorse: “I’m really sorry I treated it as unimportant. I was being very selfish.”

A pledge to do better is nice, but only if truly sincere: “I’ll honestly try to listen better, and you can jog me if you think I’m tuning out. I promise not to snap at you.”

Don’t give me “I’m sorry you took it the wrong way” or “I apologize for not knowing you were in such a bad mood” or “I’m sorry you’re so oversensitive.” Please go away until you are actually sorry.

If it’s the sort of thing where amends are possible, try making some, even if awkwardly, as long as they don’t make things worse for me. If you lost your temper and broke my Limoges teapot, you’re not going to find another one at Target.

For me, personally, an apology should also contain a compensation, or if possible, an alternative to fix the issue. What’s more important is not the word, but the action taken in showing your guilt as well as a solution taken to fix the issue as much as possible. I’m the “action speak louder than words” type of person. An apology won’t do me any good, especially after you have hurt me so badly. Everybody can apologize and even make good, eloquent, and belivable letter of apology but fews are actually care enough to take an action to earn the apology. Tell this person your honest feeling. If he/she knows who you really are then he/she is more likely to know your true feeling and more like to accept your apology. This will be determined by the level of your friendship with this person and the magnitude of damage you have caused to this person.

Sincerity

I an really, really sorry. I wasn’t thinking. Let’s go to lunch, OK?

Aside from the obvious things like sincerity & must be without “clauses” it has to be one where the person apologising wants to & doesn’t just feel the need.
Wants to genuinely make amends & do some good.

Loli understands (genuine) sincerity.

@Jeruba What if they did take it the wrong way? What if I say something to my husband, he hears it differently than I intended, and he gets all upset and hurt about something he thinks I mean when I didn’t.

We talk, I try to explain what I meant, but I still feel badly it hurt him. Maybe he has some sort of history where the way I worded it originally triggers something for him. I’m not saying he is being oversensitive, but he is being unfair projecting onto me what someone else did to him in the past. So, now, does he owe me an apology? He’s hurt, but it’s not really my fault, except to say that I can learn what triggers him, and try to be better about how I word things. I guess that’s the same as me saying he took it the wrong way.

You may be overthinking this, @JLeslie.
Do you know that you hurt someone? Apologize for that. Sincerely. If you feel remorse, say so.
Trying to explain things could wait for another time; in the moment, let the apology stand for itself. Explaining the thing, no matter how relevant it may seem to you, sounds like excuses and justifications, even if they aren’t meant that way.
If you’ve done nothing wrong, don’t apologize.

It’s hard to take, “I’m sorry. I wasn’t thinking,” the wrong way.

However, I have found that one needs to be very, very careful in apologizing to depressed people. I have had those folks flip out in the weirdest ways.

@JLeslie, my answer applies when an apology is needed, which is what Jan asked. It’s not about figuring out when that is. Sometimes what’s needed is sympathy, or a gentle restatement, or simple kindness.

If I overreact, perhaps I’m the one who owes an apology.

If someone in anger threatens to kill me, and I believe it and am terrified, an apology isn’t going to make it all right.

@canidmajor I do apologize. I have no problem apologizing when I’ve done something wrong. I also apologize when I see I hurt someone, but I don’t think I’ve done much of anything wrong. It’s not that I think the person is “over sensitive” but they maybe are more sensitive than I am about that particular thing. I might not yet understand my mistake, if I made a mistake, but I care about the other person and I want to understand.

Some people are more sensitive than others.

I find people with a history of abuse, or who suffer from some level of PTSD, are often extremely particular with how they need people to word an apology.

I see my dad feels terrible about some of the things he said and did when my sister and I were little, and no matter how he words it my sister thinks he’s insincere and a piece of garbage. She will say he feels no remorse and doesn’t care, and I know that is completely untrue. He is a pain in the neck, but he definitively feels badly and doesn’t want to hurt his daughters. She doesn’t care his intention. I truly believe she could write the words for the apology for him and if he said them she would find something wrong with it and still feel hurt, and like he didn’t really apologize.

To clarify, my father didn’t physically abuse us, or anything close to such a horrible thing. He did handle some situations badly.

@Jeruba I agree with all of that. Thanks for clarifying.

I didn’t say you didn’t apologize. What I meant was that the apologizer needs to be as sincere as possible. If you work on tailoring everything too carefully, it can sound forced and unreal.

I think what @JLeslie was trying to explain was what she meant she was trying to explain what she meant by the original comment that her hubs misunderstood, not during her apology. If he still choses to misunderstand after it was explained then I guess….. well, I don’t know how you would apolgize in a situation like that. “I’m sorry that you misunderstood what I said and that it upset you.”?

What if they did take it the wrong way?

“I’m sorry, I botched the message. I was not clear. What I was trying to say was…”

“I’m sorry that you…” is not an apology. An apology is “I’m sorry that I…”

That’s why I’m asking how to frame an apology to a person who completely misunderstood, or misheard you. Like, “I’m sorry that I made the comment in such a way that my meaning was misunderstood.” Like that?

@Call_Me_Jay is on to something there @JLeslie. I have to remember that myself.

I’m repeating others here but just keep it short and simple. The more one tries to explain the less sincere you sound.

^^So true. If they don’t accept the short apology, just forget it. It’s like there is no way out, it’s like being in quicksand. There are people who want to let things go and be forgiving, and others who don’t. That’s what it really is.

@Jeruba @Call_Me_Jay I completely agree, but what if I just word it wrong? No saving it. No saving it with some people anyway. I just can’t be like that. I can’t let one sentence bury someone, but a lot of people are like that.

@janbb I agree about the public apologies. They sound ridiculous to me most of the time.

^^“So true. If they don’t accept the short apology, just forget it. It’s like there is no way out, it’s like being in quicksand. There are people who want to let things go and be forgiving, and others who don’t. That’s what it really is.”

I wasn’t thinking about the person the apology is intended for. Rarely do I encounter someone who expects reasons. They just want acknowledgment for their hurt. If you spend time trying to explain your reason for hurting the person it doesn’t come across as sincere. Say you are sorry for hurting them. That’s all they want to hear.

True regret and the sincere promise that the deed will never be repeated.

@Aethelwine I agree with you. I think people usually start explaining when their apology isn’t being accepted.

Yeah. But with some people, there is no way out.

Milk duds!

Ummmmm..yes!

What’s with those who have an issue with those who won’t accept your apology? It appears as though you are the one who has an issue with apologizing.

I’m not trying to be mean or combative. This is only an observation.

This question is about how to apologize, not how to accept an apology. If your apology is sincere, nothing else matters.

@Aethelwine I don’t want you to think I’m ignoring you, but I also don’t want to go too off track, since as you point out the Q is about how to apologize. I can assure you I don’t have a problem apologizing. Most people do accept apologies readily; that’s my experience anyway. My only point was some people seem to be very specific about how an apology should be worded, and so I was interested to follow the Q.

If someone is constantly apologizing for the same thing, then no matter how it’s worded it isn’t enough most likely. Actions speak louder than words over time.

If the receiver wants to hate the person then there is no way to word the apology well enough either.

There are a couple of people in my life (literally only 2) who I will never again ever apologize to, because of how they receive apologies, and coupled with that the amount of time they can hold onto a grudge. Those things seem to go hand in hand. Mind you I’m not talking about extreme unforgivable things, some things are unforgivable.

My husband got offended the other evening when I asked if he’d eaten the last of the Swiss Cheese. I just wanted to be sure that it was gone and not just misplaced, so I could stop looking for it. He took it as a criticism. Hell, I just wondered if it was all gone!
Do I owe him an apology because he became upset?

Duchess, why are you a penguin, and what is the deal with you are only partly a penguin?

About the cheese, it would have been appropriate at the time.
Bringing it up later is just a nag.

Of course I’m not going to bring it up later. It’s not that big of a deal and it happens all the time with him. That was just an example of how sometimes you can’t win for losing.
I mean, what would I have said? “I am sorry I asked if you ate the last of the Swiss cheese.”?

I am a penguin beause of this. It’s not my fault.

@Dutchess_III I find a lot of men get very defensive if they think someone is implying they did something wrong. It’s very frustrating. I don’t understand it myself. If you asked me if I finished the Swiss cheese I’d just answer, “yes,” if I had. What’s the big deal?! I don’t know either. I think my husband would say it’s how you worded it. That’s what he tells me.

Apologizing you would basically be saying “sorry you took it the wrong way” or “sorry I upset you” even if you weren’t that blundt. Lol. Which is what everyone here would say isn’t a proper apology. Unless, you plan on wording it differently next time.

Maybe it’s a family thing. If my mom asked me about the cheese I know she wouldn’t be angry at me. My husband’s mother maybe she would be. His parents were very controlling when they were young parents. Even abusive with the older children, not my husband. My parents were never like that.

Well, that’s not what they are saying above. If you say, ”....you took it the wrong way,” it’s basically blaming them.

I know where he gets it from…his dad. His dad is micro controlling like Rick is. I had to laugh when Rick showed some obvious irritation when his dad started trying to tell him he didn’t have a pan centered on a stove coil, and he did. One time he stopped me from using a certain fork for mushing up some salmon and cream cheese and insisted I use a much bigger serving fork. It didn’t work nearly as well, of course.

His dad is passive aggressive too, so you never know exactly what he means. It’s probably an insult of some kind.

^^Right, you would be blaming him for being overly sensitive. Unless, you agreed to try to say it differently in the future maybe? Something like, “ok, next time I will start with, I’m not angry if you finished the Swiss cheese, but I’m looking for it, so if you happened to have finished it, which is fine if you did finish it, then I’d like to know so I don’t look for it any longer. It’s fine if you did.” What a total pain in the arse.

My husbands family is very passive aggressive too.

LOL!!! I think I may start doing that just to annoy the hell out of him @JLeslie!

So they were raised to see insults in just about everything people say because there WERE insults in just about everything that was said when they were growing up .

@Dutchess_III My husband would actually agree with that assessment, but in the moment he just reacts.

My husband would become very angry if I ever suggested his upbringing was less than perfect. Any changes have to be suggested obliquely. He has changed, quite a bit, actually, from when we first met.

I think what some people are missing is that the point of the apology is to express regret or remorse. If you feel neither regret nor remorse, don’t apologize.
When people say “You owe me an apology” it’s meaningless. If you are apologized to, you are not required to accept.

Hopefully, most of us behave well enough most of the time that we rarely have cause to apologize, and can recognize when we need to.