Would you keep trying with your biological father?

It always befuddles me when children whose parents treat them like dirt spend the remainder of their lives hoping for some miraculous character redemption common to fairytales. You must realistically assess the situation. What has changed to alter your dad’s status as severely damaged goods?

@stanleybmanly Realistically, I doubt he has changed or that he’d be receptive, and more than likely I’d feel the same rejection I’ve felt my entire life.

I think what some people may not realize is that for some of us, whether by adoption, family secrets, etc.., there’s an empty space and leaves you feeling like it needs resolved.

You have to understand that my mother quit drinking at age 55 and changed completely, so it’s not always a fairy tale. Sometimes it’s a dream come true.

Thank you.

“Hope for the best. Expect the worst”.

Only you can know what you can handle and what is best for you. But one thing you should try to keep in mind – this type of need for resolution and very complex emotions around very messy relationships/family is extremely common, and you should never feel guilty or stupid for doing whatever you decide to do.

@notnotnotnot I feel strongly that almost 40 years of hurt is quite enough and I should continue to just live my life without reaching out anymore. Somehow it feels rather like I’m a chicken or not strong enough to handle more, but this hurt is very deep for me.

I mean, imagine your mom getting you mentally ready for visitation and telling you about your three siblings, and how nice his wife is, and never uttering a bad word against him your whole life. Then he says no thanks to visitation. I lost four people (my three half sibs and him) in one fell swoop.

But I have to admit, seeing him posting on social media to MY friends, and friending them when he doesn’t know them, irritates me.

Thank you for your understanding. I had to study it a bit myself to see that it was normal, because my anger was so great for so long.

My Father died when I was 4. All my life I missed him badly. I wish that I could communicate with him but of course I can’t. I’ve learned to live with the bummer.

Apparently your Father has passed away many years ago and has yet to be buried. Lean to accept it. Let him go. Live your life.

Good health to you.

My wife’s father was an alcoholic that had very little contact with her throughout her life. He would occasionally show up and bring her and her sister out, and have the girls pass him beer while he was driving.

5 years ago, he died. My wife completely fell apart. People were shocked and didn’t understand how she could be emotionally devastated by this, but they just don’t understand what is involved here. It’s far too complex to make sense to those who have not lived it.

I wish you the best.

@notnotnotnot That’s sad, I’m sorry she went through any of that. It is very complex, and tbh tears are running down my face just writing this and reading responses.

You must be a pretty good person to have such understanding of your spouse and the psychological ramifications. Not many people get it.

@gondwanalon I think he died emotionally in Vietnam. My sisters told me they did not hear “I love you” growing up in their house. I got a lot of that from my mom’s family, so I was lucky in that aspect.

The kid’s dad left them and I’ve had to help them with that loss and betrayal over something that wasn’t even their fault. My heart goes out to you.

Maybe just send him a very short and simple message on FB saying, “Here is my number and my address if you ever feel like getting ahold of me. Love, Knowitall.” When people get closer to dying, sometimes they start reflecting on their lives and wanting to make things right. You can’t tell him when that time will be, but when it comes he’ll have a way to contact you.
And yes. You have to try. Think of how you would feel if you didn’t reach out and he died….

@Dutchess_III And let me guess, he blames you for his not contacting his children for their whole lives? Ugh, that’s the usual excuse and not even a good one. I’m sorry.

I’ll think about it, but I’m not sure I can sacrifice what little pride I have left to make another effort after all these years. My inner child would love for me to do it, to risk my composure for my daddy. My adult self warns me not to go there ever again, it was too hurtful.

He has tried to.

I hope you can get it all worked out. I am so, so sorry. ♥♥♥

I was forming in my mind what to say as I read your details. It all took a huge turn at the end when I saw he is a war vet.

War vets do come home damaged, and each in their own individual ways. The commonality is the family. They don’t understand. They suffer. They want to fix whatever is wrong. They hurt.

Your dad might feel a desire to reach out now. If he is popping up in familiar friend lists, he might be trying to learn your likes, thought processes, and other facts about you, hoping to have a better way to communicate with you.

I think, if you can manage it, you should messenger him, “Daddy, you don’t have to say you’re sorry, just be my friend okay?”

So many times people avoid reconnecting a very long time, or forever, because one of them doesn’t think offering their apology could be enough.

If you can’t handle it, you are not to blame. Neither is he. You are both co-victims.

Caring about you, from here.

Could you ask your friends to unfriend him? It seems like it is the reminders that are triggering you to think of acting. I’m not sure why they would have accepted his friendship in any case.

@Patty_Melt Thank you. Actually my cousin told me he was a war vet, all I knew was he had been in the Air Force. She told me he flew copters and dropped guys off, then picked body parts up and loaded body bags with those same guys. So his family forgave him his alcoholism.

After I heard that it did trigger a change in my thought process. Maybe he is really damaged and it’s not me, after all my sisters said he was pretty emotionally closed off. It helps a little.

I’m a pretty brave person, but for some reason, the thought of contacting him again, I’m just so afraid my anger will come back. It took a long time to bank it down, you see.

@janbb No, I don’t think so. It’s a small town and his family is fairly prominent in the community. I’m sure they just saw his last name and accepted it.

I did tell one of my friends, and he didn’t remove him, so I’m not sure that would work anyway.

And yes, I was pretty successfully putting it in the past where it belongs, but the constant reminders are tripping me out a bit. It’s like (don’t laugh) God is trying to tell me to try again. Normally I wouldn’t hesitate when I felt that, but I am now because it’s so painful for me to revisit.

My parents were divorced when I was 6 leaving my mam to bring up us 3, I have 2 brothers.
They had a daughter also who died of heart complications at just 6 weeks old when I was around 4 years old & maybe that tragedy played a part in their eventual ending of the relationship. All I do know is, aside from visiting on birthdays & xmas in those early years immediately after the split, he broke all contact with all of us & we haven’t seen or heard from him in over 25 years.

I have no emotional connect with the bloke, let alone bitterness, but as a father of 2 wonderful kids myself, I find the whole notion of abandoning completely your family as something totally wrong & can’t comprehend how a dad worthy of the name could even contemplate such a drastic course of action.

So to answer your question, my answer has to be no, I have neither the desire or will to instigate any kind of reunion, he simply doesn’t deserve the effort.

@ucme
I do appreciate your story. I cant leave a dog on the side of the road, walking away from children is uncomprehendable, let alone all of you kids.

So you’ve never had the desire to find him at all? I sure wish I felt that. I mean I know he probably doesnt deserve it, but mom always said I should feel sorry for him and pray for him. So without knowing him I feel a connection.

I’ve had life long issues with my father. I still hear from him occasionally and see him even less than that. I feel no need to make amends, that is for him to do and he never will so he will continue to get as little of me as I can possibly effectuate.

I can’t tell you what to do about it, I can only give you my reasoning for not reaching out to my father. Just ask yourself, if he rejects you can you deal with it or will it have a big impact on you.

@tinyfaery Thanks. Sorry about your dad. Its all too common.

I now value my peace and mental health more than anything, so no he is not worth that. Seems to me I’m done reaching out, this question has left me mentally exhausted tbh.

Personally speaking, and, in honesty, I say this having seen what my sister went through, I’d say no. Once a self-centered piece of shit, always a self-centered piece of shit.

I try to give him as little of my energy as possible. I can almost guarantee he’s not sitting around thinking about you. Sorry to be blunt.

My father died in Vietnam too. His body lived, and he has had an up and down life. The war changed him.forever. I will never know who he ever really was.

In some ways, he is still here, but in others he wishes he died in battle before I was even born. He carries a lot of pain,and grief.

In some ways, he’s overcome some of his problems. In others, he will never get over his issues. My Mother, and I have long ago concluded that there are parts of him.beyond repair.

My Mother’s father abandoned her when she was very young. Every few years she would call him, or a family member would track him.down to see if they could reunite. He never followed through on any chance of meeting her. In the end, I think the rejection simply hurt her more. The truth is, he never deserved to know such a great person. I am glad he died never knowing what an amazing person he helped create. I’m glad I never knew him. I’d have stomped a puddle in his ass…

My question to the OP would be, what do you have to gain? You’re doing well. Let the SOB rot. IMO…

@KNOWITALL I mean, obviously i’d love to have a dad around but when that dad has never even met his grandchildren who are now aged 19 & 22 then he absolutely is a father only in name & he loses all respect to be even worthy of the title.

@MrGrimm The vet thing is hard, thats my soft spot. So really though, are we fine with parts missing, yes, but I think you and I still have challenges because of it perhaps. Theres a difference between surviving and thriving. Thanks bud.

@ucme Are you not the slightest bit curious about him or where he is? Even if for the health aspect of dna for your kids? What if theres a whole story you dont know?

I get where you’re coming from @KNOWITALL & in theory that scenario would be an option, but like I say, there’s no anger or sense of betrayal I have towards him, there’s just no desire to waste time & effort on searching for his whereabouts.
That’s what happens when you’re the adult & throw away a life with your kids/grandkids, he signed himself off from our/his young family & that is very definitely his loss, a sad but inevitable result of cold hard neglect i’m afraid.

I find it appalling that people think that this war vet is unfeeling etc?
Perhaps he is or has struggled to accept life and thus perhaps he thought that he had nothing to offer to his children, thinking that they would be better off without him?
Cut him some slack as ex wife and her family probably made it hard to contact or unbearable to do so?
There are a lot of things that one does not know about in family dynamics that prevent connections.
Give him a chance , perhaps ask for information on his lineage ( your connection) something not too awkward at first and slowly get to know him without emotional confrontations
and or questions?

Tell him that he and his family are a part of you as well ( DNA etc) and that you would like to let his Grand kids know from whom they descended from for prosperity..leaving a legacy for them in case future medical records may be needed pertaining to genetics
( diseases,problems as these can show up generations later in the following descendants etc).
Use this as a window to learn more about him and his family.Obtain pictures if he has them or knows of whom to get copies? Sometimes the Grand kids children will look a spitting image of your father one day and one of them WILL want to know from where they inherited it from. In the long run you will have all the info needed plus back stories and pictures to boot.
Worth it!
Every generation will have one or two who had to leave for whatever reason but until you connect to him you will never understand what he was feeling at that time.

My Grandmother left her five kids for two years and suffered for generations despite her picking up the kids two years later.
Many years later in her 80“s it was discovered that she may had had a child out of wedlock and at that generation she had to disappear to hide that fact.
Also her husband was abusive and that is why she sent them to other relatives to look after them.One she had to place in a orphanage until she was able and healthy enough to retrieve them.

See, years of misplaced anger and consequences caused that rift that never healed until that chapter in her life was understood .She came from an era that taught them to shut up and keep going. Use compassion in judging past relatives actions no matter what reason was going around the families.
Hope this helps somewhat.

Thanks @Inspired_2write. There’s more details to the story of course, that aren’t here.

1) I don’t have children, so genetics and all that is not a big concern. I’ll go when I go and I’m all lined out for that.

2) I have reached out from 18 to 37 when I decided I was done. We have many mutual friends, in fact my favorite cousin house sits for him often and they are good friends.

3) He lives five minutes from me and always has, I just have chosen not to confront him on his property or without his consent. It feels wrong and I wouldn’t like that done to me. I even participated in a news story about him, and he declined to give his side of the story to them- this was about him choosing not to pay any child support and how it affected my life.

4) For me, and in my area, there is no higher respect given than to vets, active military, the President, etc…. In fact I have a very soft spot for vets because I know some of the struggles and sacrifices due to my mothers family history.

The fact is, he said that he didn’t want anything to do with me as a child because ‘my mom was crazy’. He hasn’t had that excuse since I was 17 years old and moved out.

He badgered me about college and having to pay for it, since he had three other kids, via his lawyer.

I called to tell him I had contacted his other kids and planned to have a relationship. He said ‘as long as my wife doesn’t get upset, that’s fine.” Well she did, so those relationships are basically nonexistent.

Over the years I sent Christmas cards that were very nice, sometimes just Merry Christmas and others to congratulate him on retirement, etc…which he never responded to.

He was also hella rude to my mom at court, saying my grandmother and I may be witnesses so mom had to go in alone to face him and his wife. Mom won in court and he had to pay back child support and current, which probably hurt him a bit financially.

And by the way, his name is, appropriately, Dick. And unless he reaches out, I’m done trying and he can face his maker’s judgement on his choices. Mental illness or PTSD or pickling his own brain through alcoholism, I’d love him through it all if he wanted, but he doesn’t.

Sorry, but being a war vet only goes so far.

@Darth_Algar Completely agree. I’m not falling to my knees to worship at his feet. Listen, if I dropped some guys off one day and loaded pieces of them the next, I’d probably be messed up, too.

Fact is, I’m just a kid by some chick he slept with a few times. For some people that’s everything, to him it’s nothing. I am strong enough to be successful without him, and I am.

I am also strong enough to admit that even at 45 yrs old, with an utter lack of interest on his part for my whole life, I’m still loving enough to be there for my father in his final years on earth if he wanted, or if it brought him comfort. I’m a big believer that we all have the opportunity to help heal each other and help each other grow, Confucianism to a degree.

If you decide to not contact him it might be helpful for you to block him on Facebook so you don’t get those reminders. I’ve had to do that with people in my life who have hurt me. It does help.

@Aethelwine I can’t, we aren’t friends. He keeps popping up on some of my friends pages and as my friend suggestion. Honestly, if it wasn’t my life, I would laugh at the irony.

I am friends with my brother and his name is the same as my fathers, too. I’d love to figure out how sometime though.

You can do an ignore on the friend suggestion and he won’t come up again. I think you can also block someone even if they’re not your friend and you won’t see their comments.

@janbb I can actually, I just found it. I’m going to think about it.

@KNOWITALL Do it. I used to get a ping every time I saw my Ex’s second wife on a thread. eventually I blocked her and it was much easier. (It would be by now anyway but so what.)

I do think it’s a good idea. At least for now. You can always unblock him at a later date. Just remember that if you decide to block him again you need to wait 48 hours. I’ve blocked several people who I’m not friends with. It really does help. I’m sorry you are struggling.

It sounds as if you have already made your decision but just needed support?
Whatever is right for you is alright with us.

@Aethelwine I’ve just never understood him, and it picks at my psyche. Like an itch I cant scratch.

People say I look like him, laugh like him, and as a child I follpwed him twice without knowing he was my bio dad, freaked mom out a lot. Once at a parade and once at a concert. He must not feel the pull like I do.

I mean the first time I saw my brother, it was like I had a magnet, our eyes met and I told my husband, crap my brothers here. Its hard to explain but it feels unlike anything else I’ve experienced.

Thank you!

@KNOWITALL is there any chance of connecting with his children?

I agree that being a vet is good only so far.
As a peacetime vet, I have known men who served in wartime and no war only. It does make things more difficult for relationships with war vets, but there are vets who were “Dicks” before the ever served, and therefore will remain so forever.
It sure sounds like you got one of those.
I’m sorry.
It sounds like you really needed him in your life.

He has never been there for you. Apparently he will never be there for you.
What you need to do is find a way to patch over that hole.

@janbb Minimally. My two sisters are not interested. One is mean, the other just calls it an ‘unfortunate situation’. My brother seems cool but he is on meth and wont stop. We text and things, but not being raised with them and their parents hiding me, really upset them. I think they kind of blame me for ruining their ‘perfect family’ picture. Not my brother, he knew it was screwy lol.

@Patty Agreed. I talked to my mom a bit last night about it. She says he told her he didnt want kids and if she had me I was just her kid. So I guess he didnt lie.

Maybe you have to reframe it for yourself that he is not really your father but just a sperm donor. It sucks that he lives in the same town.

I believe there are times when it is better for the kids if father, or the mother, are not in the children’s lives.

We are with you @KNOWITALL.

@janbb That was really my fault. I moved away for school etc…but came back, fell in love with my crazy husband with roots in town, and combined with my own, we chose to make our lives in small town USA. I will never regret that decision, it’s a beautiful life.

My bio dad was supposed to move to Colorado permanently but his business crashed and he came back.

It’s all good guys, I appreciate your help with my struggles for a few days, a lot!