[NSFW] I feel disgusting and that I’ve ruined my life?

Asked by Durnnnnn (26) February 7th, 2019 from iPhone

I’ve made bad decisions and I feel like my life should have been so good and now it will never be the same. I’m a 17 year old girl in Ireland. A sexual education speaker came to our school and talked about sexual expression and how we should explore and experiment and I started become very interested sexually and tried watching porn and now I feel guilty and discusting for thinking like that. During summer I went to a concert and two guys started being very sexual and pushy right there and I was taken aback and frightened however I went along with it because I thought it was normal but it hurt and I feel sick to think about it. I wanted to stop it but I felt frozen as they were so pushy. I started going out with a lovely boy and I fell in love as it was pure and innocent and nice. However I got involved with a strange group of people who drink and take drugs and I ended up kissing one guy more than once and I felt terrible. My boyfriend broke up with me. I had a minor depressive episode and took a bit of time off school here and there and saw a therapist. I thought I had everything figured out but these things still haunt me every day way more than I should. The guy I kissed was about a year younger than me and it feels wrong because he was my friend and I was never romantically or sexually attracted to him. I feel gross. I feel like I should have been an innocent and calm teenager but instead I forced myself to try things I didn’t want to do and I feel tainted. I feel as though these things will define my character and that I’ve ruined myself for any future relationship. I know this is dramatic but every day I feel a physical pit in my stomach and all I want to do is press the restart button on my life. I am very intelligent and in touch with my emotions however these thoughts are becoming overwhelming…... does anyone understand?