What can you do, what have you done for a family that has lost someone too soon?

Today was hard, but the thought of my friend actually planning her own funeral 3 months ago is surreal, and bittersweet, yet also comforting, because I know that she got the send off that she wanted.

If you have pictures, construct a photo album or maybe a scrapbook, with little notes about activities and memories that you have of your friend. If you don’t have pictures, just write down your memories, jokes, or whatever it is that made your friend special to you. Take your time to put it together, and when it’s ready give it to the family.

They will be grieving for a while. The anniversary of her death (that day of the month, year, holidays, etc.) will be especially painful for them. Take the time to remember these days and send a little card or make a phone call to let them know you’re thinking of them.

They also might appreciate household help. Everything from premade dinners to house cleaning and help with laundry to running errands for a single dad might be much appreciated.

Food (sounds like you all took care of that) and rides to school and activities for the children, and babysitting for the children. Supermarket shopping (I don’t mean the community should pay for the groceries) if your town doesn’t already have a delivery service.

Maybe all chip in for a maid to clean once every week or every couple of weeks for a month or two if you all chip in if someone already has a housekeeper they trust, or you can use a service like Merry Maids. Or, it’s another thing the community can offer to do for free, but the widower might find it uncomfortable to have friends and neighbors doing that sort of chore.

I’m very sorry for your loss. I have had friends who died way too young as well. One friend whose husband died at 46 was very grateful that my husband and I invited her to join us for dinner often when we were going out. She felt that some coupes abandoned her once she was single. Maybe as time goes on you can do that. Or if you are comfortable with the kids, maybe take then on special little outings from time to time.

We had friends lose their 30 year old, educated, employed, son to a drug overdose. His company required and performed regualr drug testing so this was a total surprise.
We helped them go through mail and electronic files to put the pieces together. We even came up with the person most likely to have supplied the drugs.
I cannot and/or will not say what was done with that information but it meant a lot.

I’m truly sorry for your loss. That’s really unfortunate.

My wife and I subscribe to the idea of just showing up. Usually with food, but always to help.

Too many people with say, “Let me know if you need anything,” but it’s a silly thing to say (even if you mean it). They’re a little busy grieving to ask for much. [also, see George Carlin’s bit on this for more]

Instead, we just show up and start helping. Cleaning, cooking, just chatting – whatever.

It is SO hard to know what to do. So hard. So hard to know what to say.

One of our friend’s childhood friends started a Meal Train several months ago, before our friend passed away, so that her husband could spend time with her in the hospital and not have to worry about making dinner for himself and the kids. So we have been preparing dinners, and school lunches, and will step that up even more now that he will be at home in the evenings. The Meal Train also has slots for people to pick up the kids from school and to babysit them.

There were probably 500 plus people at the funeral and reception last night. It was a true celebration of our friend’s life. She planned the whole thing herself.

I was wondering if any of you lost a parent in childhood? If you did, what kinds of actions by others helped you, and what kinds of things made your life more difficult. We want to make sure that these little kids get all the support that they can.

If any of you lost your spouse early in your marriage, especially if you had little kids at the time, what actions by others helped you to cope, and what actions by others made your life more difficult.

Our friend had joked with us, before she passed, that she was trusting us to play match maker for her hubby, because she didn’t want him to have to spend his life alone, and she wanted some nice lady to be an extra mom to her kids. Her hubby is a sweetie. We hope that some day, maybe in a year or so, he will be able to find someone to marry. Our friend didn’t want him to live the rest of his life alone.

Right now, we’re just there for them. No one is pushing him to remarry anytime soon. I just want to hear from people who went through a similar situation and what was helpful, and what was not.