I have a crush on my best friend but we can’t be together. How do I decide what’s best for both of us and if I should get over her?
Asked by
AG34 (
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March 16th, 2019
from iPhone
Before I start I apologize in advance for the lengthy post. Also I won’t be using real names so C(my crush/good friend). Okay so some backstory. I know C from discord(for those who don’t know it’s kind of like Skype but is more widely used for social and gaming reasons) and me and C get along well. We have a group on discord and we’ve all been friends for over a year now, as we all video call and voice chat whenever we can. C has always been a good friend of mine and she’s been there for me when I needed to turn to someone regarding the rough patch in life that I’m going through currently. I’ve always tried to return the favor to her too and help her out with somethings that she’s going through, and I do so because I really care about her well being. Around the end of this past summer I started taking to C and our friend group more then I used to as we didn’t talk much during the summer due to me getting some stuff in my life sorted out(escaping a toxic relationship, getting myself out of the horrible physical condition I was in due to that relationship, focusing on myself more etc.) So middle-end of January comes and I start getting feelings for her. Originally I just think it’s my head being all weird or whatever, and I think nothing of it until February begins. This is where I know for a fact I have feelings for her, as her and I have gotten really close at this point, closer then we’ve ever been. Funny enough she apparently felt the same way this whole time because two days after Valentine’s Day I just couldn’t hold it in anymore as it felt like my heart was going to explode out of my chest if I didn’t tell her. I debated for a while though, as I really didn’t want to ruin the friendship. But it eventually came out and she told me that she had felt the same way this whole time. I’ll skip a bit to where I’m at now as this comment is already really long to start with. But fast forward to a week ago she told me through a bit of tears, how it’s probably best for both of us to not be in a relationship together because of distance, her parents not completely on board with it and her being really busy. Plus she’s never had a real relationship before so I can imagine she’d be a bit nervous and unsure. It was hard to hear and even though it hurt a bit given my feelings I really see where she’s coming from and I’d rather see her happy and stress free then stressed and in tears. This whole week has been just a blur for me as I’m just trying to figure out if I should let go of the feelings or hold on incase something happens later on between us. I’m just so conflicted on what to do but whether she’s just my friend moving forward or we become something more I just don’t want this to be how I lose her, because my feelings for her aside I genuinely care about her and I just don’t want to lose someone so close to me. She’s recently said how she doesn’t want to call and stuff for a bit and has discontinued her discord temporarily. I don’t want to stress her out, put pressure on her or seem too clingy, but when I asked her about what’s bothering her, as I could just feel in my gut something’s up, she didn’t deny it but she didn’t want to say what it was. I can respect that but with how everything is playing out, I just don’t want this to be the end of our friendship. I’m so sorry this is such a long post but I’m just scared and don’t know what to do and I hate losing people who are close to me. If I could have some advice on this I’d be very grateful. Thank you.
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13 Answers
I would focus on school and career for now. You don’t need to decide whom your life partner will be right now. Circumstances could change in the future. As soon as you establish your self the more choices will open.
I will try to read this later.
Next time, please do not present a “Wall of Text”. Use paragraphs, otherwise, most people will not even bother to read your question.
Ditto to the wall of text feedback. I know it’s tempting to vent, and it’s a bit harder to read that way.
As to your question, I think in any healthy relationship we need to respect the other person’s boundaries. If she is telling you that this cannot happen now, then you need to hear her. That said, there is nothing in the rulebook saying you can’t express your own wishes. I would also let her know you will ultimately respect her desires and that you also disagree and want to be in a relationship with her (assuming you haven’t already explained this).
If she still does not want to be with you, then the next step is to figure out what you personally can and cannot do within the friendship. Is it too hard for you to be with her as a friend? You might need some space from her before/if you return to being friends. In the meantime you can focus on all the other things you have going on in your life.
This is tough stuff. Good luck!!!
You recently broke up and of course your friend was there for you and of course you felt closer to her.
Let it be but let her know that she knows how to get in touch with you and that you wish her the best.
Meanwhile attend to you and join in activities that get you out more. If and when she calls that is OK..
There is no urgent need to feel or place pressure on each other, you both will still be there if and when she decides to communicate.
With this distance of communication it will determine if and when you two talk again.
Perhaps she and you need a life other than online.
Honesty is always the best policy, so put it to her straight. Tell her how you feel and if she doesn’t feel the same way or isn’t sure, tell her you think you both should start seeing other people.
Then turn around and go home. Do not, under any circumstance, call her. Ever. If she calls you, take it from there. If she doesn’t call, let it go.
She explains “how it’s probably best for both of us to not be in a relationship together because of distance, her parents not completely on board with it and her being really busy.”
I don’t think you’re taking the hint.
Ah the eternal theme-unrequited love- or how to break my own heart and stew in my own juices. Pick up a copy of Gothe’s classic “The Sorrows of Young Werther” and dive in. But first ponder the implications of your life reduced to the plot in a throwaway chick flick. What’s the matter with you? Stand up now, run to the sink & fill it with icewater. Then submerge your head under that water for as long as you can tolerate it. Perhaps it will wake you up. You’re being stupid. As you can see, I’m gently coaxing you to understand that in this situation—one of you has to bite the bullet and BE A MAN! Step back and consider what you are telling me. Two people who fear they are mad for each other, decide for no discernible reason that they will be better off depriving themselves of the opportunity to find out. Life is short, and neither of you can afford the melancholy of wandering through the remainder of your days pining for “the one that got away.” This woman is going to be the standard by which you measure every girl you date from here on out. One day you will look at whatever poor soul you settle down with and trick yourself into believing her short of the almost certainly imagined superlatives your lovesick mind has assigned this girl. You must cure both of you of this impediment by discovering for yourselves whether or not you’re perfect for each other, though rationally I can predict that the truth almost certainly falls below your expectations. Go get her and find out for yourself. Both of you need to know, so you can get on with your lives.
I did read the post. From what the girl has said, she isn’t interested in being in a relationship with you, at least not right now.
Respect her wishes. Limit your time with her, and take care of yourself for awhile. Don’t rush into a new relationship with anyone right now. You have issues that need to be worked out.
Don’t sit around pining for, and moping over this girl. She was kind enough to let you know that she isn’t interested in you, in the same way you are.
You both sound very young. I would say keep her as a friend and keep your options open. It doesn’t sound like you’ve met in person, have you?
She is clearly not interested in anything beyond friendship and she may not want to even continue the friendship. Tell her how much she has meant to you as a friend. Say that, after all the two of you have been through, that if she does not wish to continue the friendship, you would appreciate that she have the courtesy to tell you, and that you will respect her wishes. Then move on with your life.
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