I'm shattered. I am pretty sure my grandson is now in porn films. What should I say?

The only thing that is making you believe he’s in porn films is that he made reference to playing doctor?

No; it’s also because he won’t tell me much about the whole thing. I asked about four questions and he just clammed up. When you tell your grandmother about a movie you’ll be in you normally discuss the storyline. The title. He didn’t. He also told me the “producers” called him ( he lives fifty miles from Dallas) because they “know” he’s had drama classes in our town’s junior college. News to me! I said, ” they have thousands of drama students in Dallas” and that’s when he cut me off.

Seems what you might have here is a “failure to communicate.” Many young Americans these days are shooting non-porno indie digital films.

Well, if you love him, stop thinking about it. Stop imagining what he may be doing. If he has student loans he’s an adult. As an adult, if he wants to act in porn films that’s his business. What do you care?

He might also be feeding you a silly line of bullshit.

I guess I’d be more concerned about whether or not he is maturing to the point where he can become self sufficient.

Why should I care what my grandson, whom I helped raise, is doing? I will always care.
He did mention some “Indie” thing I don’t understand. Wnat would that have to do with playing “the doctor?”
I have zero doubts he will be self sufficient. He’s ambitious, charming , smart, handsome and popular .

George Clooney played a doctor too.
Indie movies can also have doctors in them.
There can be so many reasons why he is reluctant to tell you more about what he’s doing.

..“Nursing School”...Perhaps he is making a training video pertaining to a career of becoming a Doctor?
The fact that he is trying to make money to become independent and plan out his career is a positive sign.
Perhaps give him the benefit of the doubt until all doubt is gone.
Then worry.

It could be porn. It could be. It could be that it’s a legit film production and he’s bound to a non-disclosure agreement.

Either way, he’s an adult so it’s not really your place to say anything about it.

If you don’t think he’s damaging himself by doing something illegal, I would butt out of that part of his life.

I am not into porn, but if he enjoys doing it what is the harm? At least he’s making some money (I assume.)

Ask him to send you a copy of the finished film, and watch his reaction.

Doctor Who, only concern would be biting the heads off jelly babies.

This question applies.
It’s just sex. No big deal.

I think you should flat out ask him. You’re a hot enough grandma to rid the kid of the notion that you somehow escaped from a convent. Tell the kid what you suspect and why. Tell him the truth—that regardless of your opinion of what he is doing, he is better off with you in his confidence than otherwise. Then you must resist the urge to recoil in horror, and have at the ready the best advice to give someone clearly committed to your grandson’s path. Give him the great good fortune to have someone he respects and of whom there is no doubt around their good intentions to unload on. Perhaps you can gently talk him through & eventually
out of it.

Say nothing. It’s none of your damned business. If he’s over 18, it isn’t your concern.

If you want to ask about school or if he needs money or if he is eating well – that’s legit.

If you ask if he’s doing porn – well, I doubt he’ll answer and I agree with him. Frankly, he might well be aware of your disapproving response, and he doesn’t want to go there.

But finally, I read your question, and I don’t see it adding up to porn. You are taking a bunch of disparate clues and building a monstrous conclusion.

Maybe he’s doing Doctor Who fan fic.

He could be doing a series of commercials, and wants to see the expression on your face when they start airing them.

Maybe he is doing a health segment on some PBS kid show, and he’s kind of embarrassed about it.
@rebbel is right that indie films are popular right now. They are even school assignments quite often.

I think you should leave the subject alone. If it is porn, you can’t stop it no matter what you say. If it is not porn, you will leave him feeling terrible by mentioning it.

I think say to him you’re concerned about the movie, and since he hasn’t offered many details your mind has jumped to all sorts of things, and will he please tell you more about it.

Hopefully, if it’s all innocent he’ll care that you’re worried and tell you more. If he clams up then you are no worse than where you are at now.

Don’t accuse him of mking a porn movie. He may be doing something completly different.
Talk to him in generalities. Since he is claming up, he probably knows whatever he is doing is wrong, and could use some advice.

With his drug past and all that you’ve told us, I can see why you’d be concerned, but I hear the porn industry has cleaned up quite a bit as far as drugs and lots of testing. I have heard it’s great money.

Since I am who I am, of course I would straight out ask him when you two are alone. You already told him he could stay and as a grandmother, I’m sure your love is unconditional based on your past posts. Just love him through whatever life he makes for himself.

^^^^ Unless he starts borrowing money, stealing things, crap like that. Then you have to show him some Tough Love.

@filmfann “Since he is claming up, he probably knows whatever he is doing is wrong”

Why would you assume that?

@Darth_Algar Because most people want their grandmother to be proud of them after they’ve loved them through an addiction. That’s my guess.

But is what he is doing really wrong, or does he know his gramma will see in as wrong?

@Dutchess_III – back to the original questions:

1) we don’t know what, in fact, he is doing, and
2) neither does grandma

All we have is suspicion, but a total dearth of facts.

He says he is making a movie, but won’t tell you what it is about or what the title is and you figure it’s a porno. Do you know for sure he is making a movie? Could he just be lying to you? Running off to hang with some druggie friends? Could he be playing doctor with some of his friends? I’m sorry, I can’t even get to the idea it is a porno….there are so many other options. It might be a porno, but that is one heck of a jump.

Again, I’ll point out that it could well be a legit movie production and he could be bound to a strict NDA.

@seawolf575 makes a good point. He may be not filming at all.
Maybe it’s a girl. It could be a million things, and only a few involve filming.
Either drop the subject entirely, or tell him you really want to discuss this time he is spending away.

But he’s over 18. Is it really any of her business @Patty_Melt?

I think it is her business because he’s her grandson, she loves him and she presumably wants the best for him, no matter whether he’s 8 or 18 or 80. However, she has no proof, only assumptions based upon circumstantial evidence. I think she shouldn’t make assumptions just yet.

My point is, if he chooses not to share what he’s doing in his spare time, then it is none of her business.
I’m wrapping my mind around the fact that he’s on the Dean’s list in college, studying for nursing, and that’s just not enough for Gramma. She wants to obsess over what he’s doing in his free time.
Even is he IS shooting porn, so what?

I remember the previous posts about drugs, etc.., and he is living with her for four months to save money, so I don’t think it’s out of line to feel the need to know about these weekends. If he’s spending money there or still on drugs and not wanting grandma to know so she’ll continue to let him live there for free, then ya, it’s her business, it could be drugs in her home at the least. Frankly I think it would be irresponsible of her to not ask, for her own safety and she cares about the kid. If it’s her home, it’s her business.

And some people are coerced or tricked into things, too, he’s young. I don’t know many grandmothers who wouldn’t be concerned after all she’s been through with him.

He is making his own money. He can spend it on whatever he wants.
He is on the Dean’s list. If he was using drugs he would not be on the Dean’s list. He would hardly ever be home.
As long as he’s making the grades I’d let him stay and mind my own business.
If he starts F-ing up in my house, I’d kick him out.
Maybe she should just kick him out now anyway, and be done? Then she won’t be obsessing over what he’s doing when he isn’t home.

@Dutchess_III If he doesn’t choose to tell her what he’s doing, she has every right to choose to kick him out, or charge rent.

Yep she does. If she thinks that him not divulging all aspects of his personal business to her is grounds for kicking him out,then she needs to do that. She can kick him out for no reason at all.
His education can just go to hell. Her choice.

I agree that his grades and the dean’s list are the correct barometer on gauging the kid’s stability. I also think that from my perspective, I would have to be damned busy to avoid obsessing at the thought of my grandson enmeshed in the porn industry, particularly at the talent end of that business. Most of us here are at an age to appreciate that it is not a field conducive to positive outcomes.

I agree. IF he is in the industry. Maybe he’s just making silly Youtube videos.

I’d forgotten about you tube, testament to my age. A “film” these days could mean damned near anything. And there can be a million reasons why the boy is secretive about it.

@stanleybmanly he could be making @Aster a “happy 80th birthday” video for all we know

Well, I am so embarrassed. He said the movie will or may be out on Netflix in the fall and it’s about a man dying of cancer. He also said he has no speaking part and that he sits at a desk in scrubs. He even told me the name of it.
I was very emotional about the whole thing partly due to my close friend calling me almost daily three weeks after her husband died of cancer in their home. She is taking two drugs that youtube says should not be taken at the same time or they can cause suicide ideation or suicide. And she does tell me she wishes she were dead. But it’s not so much about losing her husband. It’s about being or living alone. She has a strong dread of being alone and has had this her entire life.
And btw; my grandson does not live with us. He lives half an hour away in a dorm.

@Aster Well now you know and don’t have to worry about it. :) Good for you both.

@Aster I’m glad you spoke to your grandson, and you can rest easy about that. Don’t be embarrassed about jumping to wrong conclusions, you have been through the ringer from what I can tell with your first husband and drug addicted daughter, and of course you sometimes worry about the worst being a possibility. Family and friends should be understanding of your experience, and be extra candid or be willing to take the extra minute, so you don’t have have your mind wandering.

As far as your girlfriend who just lost her husband, do you think you should call someone? It’s so hard to know what to do. Many psych drugs have a “side effect” of suicidal thoughts. Part of the reason, is because if the drugs are given for depression or anxiety, the patient might have been suicudal already, that’s why they are on the drug. During testing, all symptoms get recorded and reported, and so the drug might not be the cause of the side effect, but just something occurring while on it. I can’t speak to the specific drugs she’s taking, but it sounds to me like maybe it wouldn’t hurt to change her meds.

@JLeslie I googled the two drugs she’s taking and they said they should never be taken together. One is Lorazepam. I told her “you know that is highly addictive” and she said she didn’t care, she’s 77 now so what difference does that make? I can’t recall the second drug. I remember I couldn’t pronounce it.
Thanks for your kindness and understanding.

@Aster If it specifically says not to take together then that is a concern, unless maybe it is just another benzo? Then it says not to take them together because it is basically more of the same drug.

I’m not a doctor, but I think taking benzo’s after a spouse dying is perfectly justified. It’s an acute situation. I would, I would ask for them outright, and I don’t take much of anything, I even stopped my BP medication, because I believed it was harming me when nurses and doctors were telling me I had to take them. That’s a whole different story.

I think every pill has some sort of bad side effect. I don’t drink, I am worried about becoming addicted, I can’t even swallow pills easily. But, if my husband died I would be inconsolable, and probably physically ill, which isn’t good for me either.

If she has been taking those drugs since before he died that’s a different story, and maybe she already is addicted, and it actually causes her more anxiety in the end. Having said that I do think at 77 people can push it with drug addiction worries if they want, as opposed to a 25 year old.

I think it’s great you looked up the drugs though, I think you should ask a pharmacist so you know the risks, and then you can help her. My dad had two drugs prescribed together that can kill you in combination. My mom asked me to look them up, as she always does, and I knew without looking they were deadly together. They went to the doctor, and he realized indeed he did something really dangerous and inexcusable. One of the drugs is no longer on the market. Now the computer systems catch some of those mistakes before they happen.

One is the sleeping Benzo Lorazepam (now she cant sleep a wink without it ) and the other is for either hypertension or cholesterol. It is hard to explain but she is not and cannot think clearly now. If I suggested she point out to the doctor that the two drugs together cause suicide ideation she wouldn’t do it. She is in Washington; her doctor is in Texas. She can only speak of her awful past, her awful childhood, how much she misses her husband, that she’s alone now forever, she wont know a soul in Assisted Living (this remedies itself fairly quickly I assume), her cruel or stupid three husbands, the fact she adores her son who works full time Monday to Friday as does his wife and she is staying with them now in Washington, that she was raised by her sadistic aunt who would lock her in closets and tell her the Devil will come and get her and her entire life was one of hard work and rejection . Her grown daughter cant stand her and she has no idea why, she says. Her son loves her and she’s with him now but only catches a glimpse of him when he gets home. The fact that she’s Hispanic with a very strong accent won’t help her make friends easily * I think .*

@Aster Awww. She sounds terribly distraught. Maybe some actual brain deterioration also, aside from the loss.

During these difficult times our brains fog up.

Can you tell the son your concern?

Can she join some sort of Spanish speakers group? Card game maybe?

She won’t talk about joining anything. She sticks 100% to her past, present and future. Joining anything is a positive so she wouldn’t discuss it.
Her brain has shrunk. She has had four strokes and one major seizure. Just for starters.
Her son is living with her so he has first hand knowledge of all the concerns. He is the type of guy who has never spoken much but is a computer whiz with a fantastic job in tech, Seattle. I met him once; never heard him utter a syllable.

I fear she is at risk of dying. Many spouse’s die within months of each other. Hopefully, she feels better and calmer as time moves forward. I would be devastated if my husband died, and I am fairly self sufficient, and have many social things I do. I would still be very lonely and in deep mourning.

Yes; in her late seventies she is at high risk of death which she tells me is what she desires more than anything else.

She basically just lost half her body. It’s not only emotional, it’s like a physical sever also, like losing a limb. I’m sure you now, we all have been through losses. I hope she can get some help to reduce the suffering a little. She’s very lucky to have you as a friend, and her son.

I know someone who took lorazepam and seemed to lose their mind and/or warp their personality, though I think they also took prozac and maybe something else, and I couldn’t say which did what when, but it was disturbing enough to make me not want anyone taking lorazepam or prozac.

I took Prozak once. I really didn’t think I needed it, but this doctor thought I did. With the first pill I didn’t feel right. I took it for three weeks, because they kept telling me it might take some time to work. My thing was, I was not saying it wasn’t working, I was saying it was screwing me up! I had a friend who had told me a couple of years before that Prozak was her wonder drug, and she finally felt normal again after years and years. She lost 80 pounds, she did great on it. Anyway, I stopped taking it after the three weeks, and within a short time I was ok again.

I don’t buy into waiting weeks for side effects to subside. I do have patience for waiting to see if a drug will help, if the drug needs time to build in the body. Bad side effects can mean you damage yourself or die in the meantime. No thank you.

@JLeslie I hate benzo’s, gave up after a year, just made me sleepy. I heard Prozac is pretty bad with a lot of people.

No one should be taking benzos for a year in my opinion. Not regularly. Unless, they’re 75 years old, then let them do what they want I think. Within reason.

@JLeslie I agree. It made me feel sluggish, but I really needed some help at the time with stress before I broke (husbands health, finances, etc….) My doc said I was one of the only people he’d ever had say they didn’t want them anymore. I think I gained about 20 lbs that year, too.

Obviously meds have different effects on different people. But for some they are a god send.

@KNOWITALL Not surprising about the weight. When I took them it was for an scute situation where my anxiety was causing me dry heaves in the morning, I couldn’t sleep, no appetite, I would shake out of nowhere, I was really really bad. The thing that bothered me the most was the stomach problems. Xanax was, as @janbb said, a God send. I finally could eat. I took it three times a day for about 6 weeks. Then I weaned down and stopped. Now, I take maybe 5 a year, some years I take none. The stash I have, I’m guessing are 3 years expired. I think I have 6 or 7 maybe. I think high stress is now a serious cardiac and stroke risk for me, so I will pop one if I’m really stressed. I took one 3 days ago. Probably the first time in a year.

@JLeslie Yikes, I’m sorry.

I just never have handled stress very well, although I’m getting better at it. Drugs and alcohol just don’t do it for me. I learned to take a vacation day, or spend time in the woods/ nature, etc…but I’ll be honest, the thing that has helped the most is quiet time alone.

Used to be, I’d never have time alone and now that husband works 2nd shift, it’s been a Godsend (not in a mean way, but he is a high energy person, always going full speed ahead.)

Plus getting my own office has helped during the day. My headaches went away and I’m sure my bp is down a lot.