How can I help make mom more comfortable in my home?

Acquire a huge, fluffy dog.

Good on you @KNOWITALL. I actually bought this house with Mom possibly moving in one day, but it didn’t happen.

Gosh, I don’t know what else. Maybe, as Raggy says, a dog? My mom really hated dogs, but she loved our dogs. She’d sit on the couch and our black lab, Asa, would jump on the couch and put her head in mom’s lap and just stay there, for hours, if need be. Mom would just kind of absentmindedly pet her, while she was worrying about who know what….this was when she was getting dementia.
Considering what a wild child Asa was, her lying motionless for so long was almost a miracle! I think she sensed that Mom needed her there.

haha, come on guys, you know I’ve got two gorgeous dogs and two beautiful birds to keep her company. I will never NOT have animals…lol Plus we’re only a few blocks away from a very active, nice senior center, I’m hoping she’ll enjoy.

@Dutchess_III I’m sorry you didn’t get that chance, but you tried dear. Not going to lie, we bought this house with both our mom’s being single at the time, so we always kind of planned on this. I’m actually really happy I won’t have to spend nights at her house when she’s having a tough time. Or worry about her being lonely, or falling with no one noticing. It’s going to make us all much happier I hope. Plus she can retire if she wants now and stop working, which is probably the best thing she can do for her health at this point. Relax, enjoy what she has left you know.

I fergot you have dogs! sry.

I’m glad you’re doing this. She’ll be glad too.

Well, since I’m an “older Jellie” I can only say what I’d want.
I would want to be warm year ‘round. I hope you don’t have to make your house hot, though. I’ve heard of that problem in summer.
I would love to be able to watch my favorite tv shows with no guilt
I’d not want to be awakened in the morning but to wake up at my convenience. And have hot coffee ready if that’s what she likes. With hazelnut creamer.
I’d want to feel safe in the shower; be given my favorite snacks. I’d like to be taken to an eye doctor for reading glasses. And to the movies on occasion if she’s up to it.
You’re a great daughter.

Can she have her own TV?

Fire place, antique armchair, blanket, bear rug.

Her own TV would be nice and possibly a mini-fridge in her room for drinks and snacks if that would make her feel more in control Does she read? It would it be good for her to have book shelves or a book case in her room. Photos or favorite paintings on the wall. Nice bedding. A comfortable chair with an ottoman.

Bring in everything from her old home. She can gradually part with stuff after moving in if she has to.

I agree with her own TV with DVR, unless she is one of those people who doesn’t watch TV.

If she likes to read, make sure she has adequate lighting or maybe buy her an Ipad or kindle she can read on. Actually, as far as lighting, just make sure it is bright enough and convenient to turn off and on, even beside the bed. Second bedrooms are notorious for bad lighting.

If you tend to be very organized and picky in the kitchen, make a shelf for her that she doesn’t have to worry about meeting your standard. If you aren’t picky then it’s not an issue.

Try to keep the temperature so she is comfortable, or if that is hard to comply with, keep an extra blanket in the family room and her room, or you room, depending on who is cold. Comfy slippers for her and a nice robe if she doesn’t have one.

If you don’t have an ottoman in the family room consider getting one, so she can put her feet up when spending time with you.

Great ideas all. Once she’s here and on my netflix she can watch all the classics she wants lol. I’m pretty excited.

Give her as much freedom as you can stand!!! Allow her to be as independent as she feels she still needs to be. Share household duties so she can feel that she’s serving a purpose. Get yourself mentally & emotionally prepared for a role reversal. You’ll become the mother & she will become the child.& she’ll resent being treated like a child & at the same time will act like a rebellious teenager. Do a lot of research on sundowners so you can recognize when she’s being rational & when she’s detaching from reality.

Encourage her to bring whatever she feels she needs from her home & then give her time to weed out the things that she really doesn’t need. Bring a lot of pictures that remind her of happier days & sit them around her room. Hug her a lot & tell her you love her!!!

Have her favorite things around her within reach.
Ask her what she would like to bring?
Maybe she had her own routine,find out how she lived in her own home…communicate with her is the best advice .
Maybe a plant to welcome her home?
Does she Cross stitch etc What other hobbies, gardening…ask her?
I know a lady here who has cancer for v=several years now and does gardening and canning and preserves etc
She doesn’t let cancer stop her from doing the things that she likes.
Invite HER friends for a game of cards if she is so inclined?
A lot here play poker and bridge card games, listen to old time music, and watch old time movies, eat out a lot,drink wine,and wink at the old fellas here too..lol.

Lots of patience, and love. Caring for a person in declining health is very emotionally draining on all involved. It would be impossible to expect you not to get frustrated. Just try not to let it show, to the person receiving the care. They’re already going through a lot. Make sure they don’t feel like a burden.

As with any roommate situation, communication is key. And all parties involved should have realistic understanding that there should be compromise.

When I was a teenager, my grandmother moved in with my parents and myself. She was very “set in her ways,” and had gotten used to living alone, and controlling every aspect of her environment. Over time, it became apparent that we could not coexist in a four bedroom house. She shared a wall, and bathroom with me (remember I was a teenage boy.) She hated that, and was never shy about letting us all know. Eventually, my father asked her to move out. Now she’s much older, and her needs have increased. She lives in an assisted living type place now. It seems nice, but she hates it. Unfortunately, none of her children will let her live with them, because they’ve all tried, and had the same outcome.
Let me be clear. My Granny is a great person. But she is incapable of making any adjustments to her desired lifestyle. She would be MUCH happier, if she had been able to accept that living with others requires diplomacy, and compromise.

I’m not trying to put a negative spin on this type of situation, but a long talk about both of your expectations could greatly improve the future living situation. Most importantly, is that all parties involved understand that they are a loving family, and will need to function as a team.

If coexistence is possible, it could be a great thing.

Good luck @KNOWITALL .

Peace n love.

She did live her a few months before she quit drinking and before cancer and it was tough on all of us. Minus alcohol it should be fine.

We both kill plants overloving them lol but everything else is good. Thx

When is she arriving @KNOWITALL?

Gave her notice this last weekend so hopefully by 5/25. That’s the plan and she better because I’m spending quite a bit sprucing up for her. haha! Menards and I are becoming best friends!!

Is the cancer terminal?

@Pied_Pfeffer Stage 4 breast cancer with mets, so basically. Or the treatment will. She was diagnosed 8 years ago in several parts of her body. With all the years of treatment now there’s some lymphadema and other breakdowns occurring, making it harder for her to work and things. Chemo brain affects memory, too. It’s just not a good time for her to live alone anymore.

She was cancer free starting 2019 and just had her scan, so we’ll see. But in this case, sometimes the treatment repercussions can be as bad as cancer. Robbing you of your strength, causing constant pain, something new every month basically.

I’m hoping that when we fix her diet and exercise at my house, we can detox her lymphatic system and get rid of the lymphadema so she can be happier and healther. But I know she won’t do it herself. It’s tough but she raised me, I can handle some role reversal.

8 years ago they said around 10 years is the life expectancy since she had the least aggressive form of breast cancer and it responded very well to treatment. But with mets, it pops up, goes away, pops up somewhere else, goes away, just ongoing.

^Yeah….Unfortunately, it can get into the bloodstream, and pop up anywhere…

In addition to all the good suggestions above, see if you can fit in a comfortable chair, and little table so your mom can have guests come over (if she would like that) so they don’t have to sit on her bed. The table is so they can have tea, or play cards, or do needlework, or whatever else they would like to do together.

Make sure that the room and house are free of tripping hazards such as rugs, and electrical cords, or excess furniture.

Would it be possible to put a CD player with headphones next to her bed? Have a variety of her favorite music, and ambient sounds available, and within reach. I’m only 55, but I don’t do music on an ipod or my phone.

Find out what scents she likes, and get some candles with those scents, or some essential oils to put a drop on a cloth, to make the room smell nice. But make sure she likes and wants extra scents in her room. Some folks get headaches from added scents, or they may be too overwhelming.

Make sure that the window treatments have the option of blackout curtains, as well as blinds or drapes that allow in dappled, or full sunlight. She may be napping during the daytime, so blackout curtains are a good idea.

Have a bell, or some other type of device, on her bedside table so that she can get your attention, if need be, without having to yell down the hall.

Also, make sure her favorite lip balm and lotion is within easy reach. Chapped lips have always been a problem for me, and I would go mad without my lip balm.

If you can set up some daily (or whatever is convenient for you, and she) to help her with her hair, and makeup if she wears it. Even cancer patients want to look their best. If she is used to getting her hair done, either schedule a regular trip to a nearby hairdresser, or see if you can find one who can come to your house.

If your mom can eat candy, keep a dish stalked with a few of her favorites.

Make sure that there is always a lidded container with a straw, filled with water, on her bedside table. She might get thirsty in the middle of the night, and the lidded bottles with straws (the insulated ones will keep the water cold) are better, so they won’t spill.

Have a pop up container of wet wipes nearby. You can get the un-scented baby wipes. They’re good for wiping sticky stuff off of fingers, or the table, or used for a cooling compress.

If your mom has a cell phone, make sure she has a charger and a cord and a plug close enough to her bed to have easy access to it.

You are doing a good deed by taking care of your Mama in your home : )

I just re-read this, Note: the candles would only be for their own scent, not for burning.

@Kardamom The bell!!! I love that! That way I don’t intrude on her or check on her too much. (I’m really bad at being a hover parent to her…lol) I actually have black curtains, I’ll ask her- she’s very opinionated…haha!

No candy, that sugar adds to her lymphadema, but I like the water suggestion. I’m going to put an emergency potty in her bedroom (it’s a big bedroom) just in case.

Thanks, she actually worked in nursing homes so we got a lot of experience being there and neither of us want that for her. Not that they’re all bad, by any means, but I would love her to stay with me and never have to live in one.

Maybe a Nixplay picture frame? Family and friends can upload pictures from an app. It’s a nice alternative for older generation that doesn’t keep up with smart phones and Facebook.

How is her vision? There are these digital readers that will read labels (that you record) for her.

@raum Not too bad, but she definately is retiring once she moves in.

In spite of her substance abuse problems, she still managed to raise one helluva kid! Oh wait. You can’t say that about a Christian can you?! :D

Hopefully its a human thing! Lol

I hated her for awhile, but I hear taking care of the one who abused you can be very healing. So a win-win.