Can "do not celebrate my birthday." and "you have to celebrate my birthday" be compatible?

Once again, I have no idea what you are asking.

I do not celebrate my birthday. I don’t want cards or gifts.
My wife likes to celebrate her birthday all month. Seriously. All month.
Are we compatible? Married 35 years.

@filmfann Ok, but if one is against the whole idea of celebrating anyone‘s birthday, (except for very rare people). and the b/f or g/f gets offended plus “how could you she/he not have done x y or z for my b/day? ...then?

@flo…is English a second language for you?

Well making a big deal out of an adult’s birthday is ridiculous. And an adult getting bent out of shape because someone didnt make a big deal out of their birthday is pathetic. Birthday Big Deals are for children.

There is a lot underneath this question. Let’s talk Relationships 101.

First, peers don’t issue commands to each other. “Do not celebrate…” and “You must celebrate…” are not the language of respect. Also, anything that starts with “How could you” is right out. These are not healthy attitudes, nor healthy approaches to problem-solving.

Second, this idea of being offended at another person’s inconsistency—it’s completely artificial. If I skip my woman’s birthday but then have a big blowout for a drinking buddy, “offended” doesn’t apply. I haven’t done anything to her. What is she offended about? She thinks I’ve made a statement of some kind, right? My drinking buddy is more important, or something like that? No. I haven’t made a statement. There’s nothing for her to be offended by. And she doesn’t know the meaning of my choices until she asks me about them.

Relationship Rule #27a: You can’t read his mind.
Relationship Rule #27b: He can’t read yours.

Now, she might be **hurt**. That’s different. I didn’t do anything to her, but she is hurting. What is causing her pain? Until she asks me about it, she is causing her own pain, by listening to her own unfounded interpretation of my behavior. I can be sad for her pain, I can comfort her about her pain, but I’m not causing it. She is.

Here’s what you do when you are hurt. Talk to your partner. Don’t talk **about** him, that is, don’t tell him how wrong or cruel or insensitive he is. Just talk about the events. He skipped your birthday, then he had a blowout for his buddy, and that made you feel like he cares more about his buddy than about you (or whatever it is that you feel about it—but remember, nothing about him; don’t say, “I feel like you’re being a dick”). Then you can ask him: do my feelings match up with your intention? And then he will say “no”, and you can figure out what it did mean (probably nothing) and then you can explain that it would mean a lot to you if he would do so-and-so for your birthday. Think about the different kind of response you would get, telling him it would mean a lot to you, rather than saying he’d better do it or else.

People who consider each other equals don’t order each other around, or attempt to coerce. They negotiate, and take responsibility for their own feelings. Peace and luck

@flo reading your question for the 5th time, I think you were asking if those two things were “comparable,” not “compatible.” And yes. They are comparable for all the reasons @SaganRitual listed.

@SaganRitual
I’m looking at “First, peers don’t issue commands to each other. “Do not celebrate…” is my innaccurate rephrasing. It’s “Please do not do anything celebrate my birthday, not even a card, breakfast in bed etc. ” And re. “You have to celebrate my birthday” should be “How can he/she/(you?) not celebrate my birthday?!!”
-I don’t agree that there is difference between “offended” and “hurt” , part though. It’s a very negative feeling either way. These two seem way too incompatible.

Edited my above post.

@SaganRitual I agree with “People who consider each other equals don’t order each other around, or attempt to coerce.”

Hi @flo, I understand, you didn’t mean it exactly the way I took it. However, the answer is all the same. You just need some translation. “Please don’t so-and-so” is really just a command. “Please” means he is going to have to explain why he won’t do it, or he’ll be subject to some kind of emotional punishment. And “How can you…?” Is a command wrapped in a sledgehammer of shame and guilt. You both deserve more respect than that.

“It would mean a lot to me if…” says more, conveys your true intention more clearly, and invites emotional connection. You are telling your partner about what’s going on in your heart, and connecting it to this thing you want. Now, instead of feeling like you just issued him an order, he can feel like, well, if it means a lot to you, then of course I want to do it.

If either of you has any skill at batting your eyes, Life’s Big Book of Rules says you are permitted to use it to get your way at every opportunity.

I didn’t mean to say that feeling offended doesn’t hurt. Of course it hurts. But she is hurting herself. If he doesn’t know that she wants a birthday party (meaning, if she hasn’t told him clearly), then she is doomed to disappointment: he can’t read her mind; see rule 27b above.

In any case, as I said, if she’s hurting, then of course it’s appropriate for him to comfort her, and I should hope that’s what he’d do. But it’s important to take note of the causes of your feelings. They’re often caused by simple misapprehension of the situation, a faulty assumption about what your partner is thinking. Try to get into the habit of reality checking with your partner any time you start to feel unhappy about something. Don’t waste your time having unnecessary feelings based on faulty information.

I don’t know anything about compatible. I think we’d have to see how they do once they clear away some of the obstacles. They can hardly even know each other, if this is how they interact. They might be a perfect fit.

@SaganRitual before I continue to read and respond, re. “You both deserve more respect than that.” Why the “you” since my q is about them?

@flo My advice is as much for you as for everyone else in a relationship. I hope you will try it on to see how it fits, in addition to relaying it to others if you consider it worthy.

@SaganRitual I’m not reading it.

@flo You owe me nothing. It’s a gift to everyone. I’m not hurt if you don’t want it. Peace

@flo his point is, two adults do not make those kinds of demands on each other, especially not over something as trivial as a birthday. It’s disrespectful, belittling and rude.

@SaganRitual “Sorry I made the assumption, ignore the you part.” applies to any 2 people conversing.