Do you have a funny twist on a popular saying? (Possibly NSFW and dark humor)

Actually, it is pretty difficult to get to the heart through the ribcage.
You need to bypass it, either through the armpits, from below through the stomach, or from the top behind the sternum at the neck.

It takes two to tangle

The most exciting thing in life, is taking someone else’s.

@ragingloli Actually, to get to the heart they break the ribs in open heart surgery.

@janbb
I was talking about stabbing someone to death with a dagger or sword.

I have a problem with these two – because they are saying the opposite thing:

A stitch in time saves nine – meaning to take your time to do things right.

But that hits up against:

He who hesitates is lost imply that if you take your time to do something, you have lost out on something.

And that runs up against the ancient Latin saying Festina lente – meaning – “make haste slowly”.

The penis…mightier than the sword.
(In the wrong hands, more harmful)

A rolling stone gathers no moss.
(Have you seen the state of Mick Jagger?)

To add to @elbanditoroso ‘s list of contradictory sayings:
Absence makes the heart grow fonder
but
Out of sight, out of mind

The way into a man’s heart is through his penis.

With a friend like you, who needs enemas?

@Yellowdog What a shitty thing to say. GA. :-)

I once worked under a woman I think her name was Kelly, and she had a friend / assistant director named Emily. I told Kelly once that with a friend like her, who needs Emilies.

The usual: Always a bridesmaid, never a bride.
The twist: Always a friend, never a lover.

The usual: Happy wife, happy life.
The twist: Happy wife, happy life. For the wife.