How do you move past a terrible past?
Like I’ve said before in previous posts, I have done a lot of things in my past that I’m not proud of but the two things that haunt me the most are the things I have specifically pointed out in other posts which are that I attempted to rape someone who was trying to help me, little did she know I just took someone’s death on the unit the previous day and used it to buy my way into her office so the door could be closed and I kept just bouncing around the subject trying to build up how of the what, when, and where I was going to do it, and then with in 7 days I tackled a tech because she was running her mouth about my family and hit a soft spot and talked shit on my grandmother, who was the woman who raised my deceased fiance and I after she(my fiance) got me away from my horrific childhood and who also was on her death bed at the time. So I snapped and when she turned away and walked out of my room, I charged her full speed and drilled her face into the lenoleum floor, I was a 4 year starting LOLB in highschool who might be playing in the NFL if it wasn’t for a career ending blow to the knee the championship game my senior year, of course I really didn’t have much intention of accepting the scholarship because I had more intention on continuing my family history and be the 5th generation on my pops side to join the military so you get what I mean. Unfortunately that woman died from the injuries I caused about a year later. You know not a day goes by that I don’t wish I could trade places with her and what haunts me the most is that the only consequences of both of those actions was 22 days in the freaking daycare that is Greene County Prison. My question is how do I forgive myself and move on now that I am obviously remorseful. I’ve been remorseful since I seen that heartwrenching, terrified look on the social workers face after she was safely out of the office and I only got as far as touching her breasts but that look just broke me into a trillion pieces. Thank you.
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I’ve seen one on a weekly basis for the past 13 years and these incidents happened in March of 16. I don’t think it’s really a psychiatric problem I just don’t understand why I could get T Boned by a freaking water bottle and fracture my freaking skull hanging halfway out the windshield, blood everywhere in 17 but a few months prior this woman dies from injuries I caused and she usually was a nice person. Why am I alive and she’s gone.
I’d have to agree with @Tropical_Willie, but share these thoughts with him/her. It sounds like you have a number of issues that are all conspiring to make you one confused unit. You don’t seem to be able to handle any emotions in a constructive way. Caring becomes obsession, self-loathing causes you to strike out at others, very little self-respect, inability to interact social in just about any setting. There is a lot there. The good news seems to be that you are reaching out, trying to unravel this mess. A professional could help with that, but only if you are willing to invest yourself fully…no holding back, no pooh-poohing of their suggestions.
As for how do you move past your past? It sometimes isn’t easy. Sometimes you need to figure out what justice looks like to you. Someone else died and you wish you could have taken their place…you need to maybe think about how you can make your life more beneficial to the world…so you can make amends for your own perceived faults.
A lot of criminals are remorseful. I don’t know how you get past your past, but there are a lot of people trying to figure that out in prison. You need to dig deep into why you did such terrible things. Did you just go to a psychiatrist (one who just prescribes meds) or a therapist too?
@anniereborn in SWPA they have a mental health team called “the Community Treatment Team” which I have been a part of since about a month b4 my 18th birthday and I turn 25 on 9/10/19. This team does things like psychiatry, life and job skills, mental health and drug addiction therapy, trauma therapy, housing assistance, etc. Unfortunately my team isn’t worth the Charmin extra soft they clean theirselves with. But I will be moving to Washington pa once I’m done with this inpatient treatment facility and the Washington office has the top rated team among their company where my current team is rated in the bottom 3. So I’ll finally be able to talk about this stuff. @seawulf575 I’ve recently decided to get certified to work with veterans and open up, with the help of a friend with a business major, a therapy clinic geared towards helping veterans but any one would be welcome. Also you hit the nail on the head with that description of ur perception of the issue. Unfortunately I’ve had virtually no self esteem my entire life due to abuse. But I’m gonna get with this ACT team and I’ll be able to talk about everything once a report is built. Thank you guys for the ur answers!
Well. The good news is that you’re still young. And, as @seawulf575 pointed out, you are reaching out for help. And you’ll need it.
You likely have a counselor, or social worker assigned to you. Tell whomever is managing your care, that you feel like you aren’t making progress. They should be able to make some changes in your treatment plan. I would start there. If changes are made, and you still aren’t making the headway you desire, keep asking for more changes.
Most of your process, will need to be done internally. The place where you are, and the new place you’re going, can only guide you. The journey can only be taken by you though. Being candid, about every detail of your issues,with whomever is trying to help, will benefit you.
It sounds like you have a long road ahead of you. All humans, have made mistakes, or regrettable decisions in life. And dealing with them, is part of life, for us all. The most important thing is to try not to repeat the bad things, and focus on how you could have handled those negative things, without the negative outcome. It sounds like, currently, you should definitely be in an inpatient program. Don’t remove yourself from such a program, until you are absolutely sure that you can function without extreme responses, to certain situations. You need help. And THAT’S OK. I would recommend that you keep hope alive, and lean on whatever support you can get. And take things one day, at a time. Similarly to reflecting on the bad things you’ve done, focus on the good things too, and how you accomplished those things. Try and change the way you handled things that went bad, by using the good things you’ve done as a guide for similar future decisions.
Keep hope alive.
Peace n love.
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