I wrote this a long time ago. The question was “How do I convert my atheist friend?”, but the answer still applies. It is, of course, not a serious answer.
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How do you convert an atheist? It’s pretty simple, and it won’t cost you much – just $12.48, which I’m sure you can save from your allowance. I’ll give you easy, step-by-step instructions.
1. First, go to your local Home Depot, Lowes, or other hardware and lumber store.
2. Buy the following: one twelve-foot length of pressure-treated 4×8 lumber, one six-foot length of the same, four eight-inch nails, and four six-inch nails. Or you can just buy a box of eight-inchers if you’re planning to do this more than once (it will cost a little more, though).
3. I’m assuming you have your own tools, or can borrow some from your Dad. You’ll need a good-sized hammer, a shovel, and something reasonably long with a pointed end – a sharp crowbar should do nicely.
4. Move all of this to an open, fairly private outdoor area. A small hill would be nice.
5. Dig a three-foot deep hole just wide enough for the 4×8 board.
5. Attach the 6ft board to the 10ft one in a perpendicular position, three feet from one end, using the four 8-inch nails. Make sure it’s well nailed. Leave it lying next to the hole.
6. Invite your Godless friend to meet you at the hill.
7. When he arrives, lie down on the assembled cross and have him nail your arms and feet to it firmly. Make sure he drives the upper ones through your wrists, not your palms! Religious art is not a reliable guide in this instance. If he puts the nails through your palms, they’ll quickly rip through and you will flop forward. It will look ridiculous and you won’t convert anybody.
8. Have your friend slide the lower end of the construction into the hole, standing it upright.
9. Have your friend jab the sharp crowbar at least six inches into your abdomen. Do not skip this step; if you do, the project will take much too long to finish and your friend will probably get bored and leave.
10. Die.
11. Come back to life.
12. Your friend is now ready for conversion.