Help me be reasonable, How would you handle this?

I think you should go with your gut.
You are not wrong to be upset and I think you are a very tolerant person.
You’re not married to her, you are married to the man she is interested in. He needs to act right.
You could give him an ultimatum but need to follow through or everything you say (or threaten) after that will be ineffective.
The bottom line is whether or not you can change a liar and if you were able to, would you ever be able to regain trust?
I hope everything works out for you.

I think that this man loves being the center of attention from “two” women fighting for him?

Tell him to block her messages as it is not acceptable if one is married in a loving relationship.

He seems to be caught between infatuation and the lure of a side life with another women teasing him, as if he were a single man?

You show people how to treat you and you have shown too much tolerance for his games,so much so that now he deems it acceptable to disrespect your marriage.

Ask other women friends and I bet they would be surprised at how much you have tolerated.

I was like that with a man that seemed to always use charm to get out of anything making it sound like it was “just” an innocent thing?

I learned from a counselor that “I should had confronted him with anger and let him know where I stood on that matter!

I also learned through reading about behaviors that perhaps he was the type that need you to show jealousy so that he feels wanted and loved so much that you would fight for him” .

Strange as some are like this stems from his relationship with his mother always needing validation and approval.

One thing for sure is ,If you don’t tell him that trust is the issue and that you are not accepting his behavior because if he can do this easily now, then surely there is or will be others that he will see on the side.

@Inspired_2write
Your comments really hit home with me, thank you.
He often gets mad when I don’t get jealous and asks if I even care about him so I see what you mean. He is definitely the product of a “sMother” and overbearing mom.

Do you have means to support yourself?

I tell you what I’d be tempted to do is snag her number off of his phone and send her a text on your phone saying “I will be leaving (husband’s name) on Friday because of all the women he gets texts from, but lies about, so after that he will be free to date if you, and them, want him.” What will happen is she’ll get with him, all excited, talking about how they can be together forever now!!! His shock, his response, will seriously piss her off.

I’d really be ready to follow through, though.

My ex started that shit. I filed for divorce. Oh, how he cried. Never mind that I gave him 3 years of warning.

@Dutchess_III I’ve been so curious what would happen if I messaged her – for both her and my hus reactions.

I don’t know what is going on, I just need to get respect because I don’t think it’s there.

I’d do it. I blew one of my husband’s girlfriend’s actual fucking stupid mind by talking to her, down playing all of her drama about being in love with my husband. My reaction just blew her away (She squeaked “But don’t you feel the least bit threatened by me?”
I chuckled and said, “Of course not. What is he going to want with a used Volkswagen off the street when he has a clean, shiny Cadillac in the garage!”) We “talked” for 20 minutes. She was absolutely leveled when we were done.
Then Robin moved out. They lasted one and and half weeks after that. He left her, tried to get back with me.
NO.

And you can’t force someone to respect you.

The point is that you’re not happy with all this texting so your husband should put an end to it for that reason alone. Tell him he can have text messages on his phone from a stranger or you and let him make up his mind.

I’d sure give him an ultimatum.

I’m sorry. That sounds very dramatic. It must be taxing to worry about your husband cheating on you…especially if you’re satidfied overall, and want to stay with him.

In general, relationships are most healthy if you manage to get away from the “should” thinking. You can tell your mate how you feel, but to police his text messages? To me, that sounds like unhealthy boundaries within your relationship.

From the limited information we have, it seems like you do not have any proof that your husband is encouraging this person in her advances. Guilty until proven innocent, right? I would take a good look inside myself, and wonder where this lack of trust comes from.

Have you thought about couples counseling? Sometimes it takes an outside perspective to untangle all those anxious thoughts. Here is a science-based online counseling option.

Either stay with him or don’t, but to make a game of it would-d show great disrespect for your relationship.
If you chose to leave him, cut off cold. Don’t bring up alternatives or ultimatums. Simply state that you are tired of the ridiculous (and it is) behaviour, and that it is over.
If you decide to stay with him have a discussion without tears or pity plays. Tell him how much it bothers you, and firmly state that his disrespectful attitude about you, and your relationship must stop.
I have known several men in my life who enjoy toying with their women just for kicks to see them upset. Your description leaves me thinking your husband is one of those.

I like @longgone‘s suggestion to get counseling. I think you both definitely need it.

I agree with @Patty_Melt. If you let him walk all over you, which it sounds like you do, he won’t respect you.

@BackinBlack
Because he erroneously thinks that you really don’t care.

@BackinBlack response to Duchess about calling the girlfriend.
I know that its unfair to her, but I would call her and tell her that she can have him , and encourage her to run away with him, leaving the problem with her and not you.
You deserve a partner that is committed and loving.
Two types of men abound:
1. The ones who run around with multiple partners and can never settle for one and thus cheat in marriages.
2. The ones who are satisfied with one committed partner as they are and love it.These types stay in marriages and are much happier and live long.

Call the girlfriend, tell her you are calling all of his “side pieces” and telling them all they can have him. That will make her wonder. Then tell him adios.

@longgone the lack of trust comes from the fact he deleted her messages before and others from other people and lied about it.

I don’t think he’s cheating on me with her. Or ever did. I think he knows that he would not like me doing the things he does with guy friends/ coworkers so he hides it. I think this girl is overbearing and he doesn’t want to be mean to her because that makes him uncomfortable.

I am upset because if he loves and cares about me the most he shouldn’t care about what others think of him. When it became clear this girl overstepped her boundaries I wanted him to say ” can you not text my personal phone for things that aren’t’ business related?” Or something like that. Instead of just ignoring it and being passive.

Sometimes it helps to walk people through their own thoughts and actions instead of talking about your own.

I would point out to him that if he deleted the text, then he already realizes that this is wrong.

So if he realizes that it’s wrong, what is the best solution? Does he think the current solution is working?

Let his brain work it out for himself.

“I don’t think he’s cheating on me with her”
Stop making excuses and read the writing on the wall.
HE IS CHEATING AND LYING!
He is denying you a full engaged committed husband.
Just as a tiger can’t change its stripes neither can a manipulative cheating husband right under your nose and with your consent too!
He has now made this an ingrained pattern that cannot be changed.

Make your choice before its made for you, for a better future without this one, there are better than him available.
I suspect that “if” you don’t make a move that he or another will ?( girlfriends)

Wow. I agree with @Inspired_2write
He’s painting the fence white. You see him painting the fence white.
You ask, “Why are you painting the fence white?”
“I AM NOT PAINTING THE FENCE WHITE! YOU’RE DELUSIONAL!” he insists, as he continues painting the fence white.

I should mention that a long time ago my hus invited her to a concert with us in hopes he could get us to be friends. He thought we would click. He says she asks about me all the time and invited us to things that I would be interested in -like a vegan restaurant.

He asked her another time to use her connections to get me good seats at concert for my favorite band, she got us lighting booth seats.

After these instances, she had his cell number so that is why she texts him. He said she is an alcoholic and thinks that is why she texts at weird hours. He said other people at work get bothered by her too.

When he told his brother in law about one of the late night texts he told him that she was a trouble maker at HR at work and that she does some questionable things at work.

It still sounds stupid to me as I type this. Maybe she is crazy but maybe my husband should be more aggressive in setting boundaries.