Social Question
How can I shake, or overcome, these feelings of anxiety, fear, depression?
My last fulltime job was my position as a church pastor in a small town in Alabama. The church had a lot of problems when I went there, and I only lasted about 18 months. I was kind of the last hope the church had, as they had run off ten pastors in about twenty years. I was also their final pastor. They closed about a year later.
I came back to Memphis and eventually found a part-time job at a campus bookstore. But in 2012. I was shot in a robbery and eventually went on disability.
I’ve spent / wasted many years since the church pastor position primarily being a volunteer caregiver for several individuals close to me. I always assumed I would get a book written (had a book contract at one time) or that something else would turn up.
One day it occurred to me that I was getting old; most of the adults older than me in my life were getting old and fading out, and I cannot rely on being on disability forever. It doesn’t pay the bills or keep me afloat, and I have no resources.
I am in my mid fifties and am beginning to panic that I have let too many years go by. I can work again, but not anything that requires a lot of manual labor due to my disability. I could probably serve as a church pastor again, if the right opportunity presented itself. Except that I’ve not done it in about fifteen years.
My parents are old and disabled and need me for some assistance and for transportation. My GF does not have a job or car. I cannot sever ties with my sense of place not with those close to me. It hurts me too much to let go of my “stuff.”
I am an ordained minister and have a Masters Degree. How can I shake this feeling, and how can I be a productive citizen again?
One more note: Dead end jobs such as fast food or Walmart, just don’t work for me. I do not focus well due to ADHD, have difficulty with following directions or instructions, get fired a lot. I would lose my disability benefits and that would include medical, which would be a disaster, I need a real job, a real sense of purpose, and/or a real source of income.
For about a week, I’ve been gripped with fear and a sense of dread, and quiet desperation which I at first assumed was seasonal.
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