What should I do if there is an ocean between us?
Asked by
flameboi (
7554
)
July 30th, 2007
I met this girl about 5 years ago while still in high school and I had and instant crush on her, she moved to France for college right after, we are in touch constantly but we only see each other during summer, we date and stuff (romance included since the first date). She knows I have feelings 4 her, and somehow I know she has feelings 4 me (though I dont know exactly what she feels because she is extremely reserved about that). Im in a turning point in my life when I have to start to make long term plans and my decisions will have, maybe, a permanent effect for the rest of my life. Weve recently discussed that by the time she comes back to town we will finally have a formal relationship to see if that path leads us to marriage. She likes the idea as much as I do, but theres a 3 year period to get to that point and thousands of things can happen, the same way thousands of things have happened the last 4 or so years. Ive suffered a lil and Ive tried to move on but she finds the way to keep me chained to her, or, lets say, she has my heart from day one and is not willing to give it back to me no matter what happens, Ive even wondered if its destiny or fate or both and not knowing how it will end fills up my nights with anxiety and thoughts of how would it be if… There is another detail, weve never discussed family issues, the only thing we know about each other is that she has a sister and her parents are divorced, she knows that I have a sister and a brother and my parents are still together after 25 years; she knows where I work and the college I attend. I have the education, the taste and the look of a fine, wealthy gentleman but is not because I come from an affluent home, but because Ive worked so hard you wouldnt imagine since I was a kid, and she, actually comes from that kind of affluent, very rich family. Thats something I dont like to think much about. Do you think that it will become a problem that sooner or later will arise? What if, after all this years, she comes back and its been only a time gone and she finally gives me my heart back but I will not longer need it? How should I prepare for such scenario? I love her and I cant have the picture of my life without her in my future, well actually I do, is the same but alone…
Thanks, I know Im way too young to be in such dilemma but I chose to grow up faster than many kids for many reasons.
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6 Answers
Love is so grand and from time to time can be a bit complex.
I've had long distance relationship (one was 6 years (4 years was long distance after college) I can relate. It is worth it and the same time hard to be apart. The being together was all worth it and he was a worthy guy.
I think let it flow. I think too soon to make big decisions. Enjoy what you are doing now (job or college). Time does have a way of unfolding things.
The one question, you can let her know to feel free to talk about the thing she was reserved about. Let her know you care for her and love her so much. And say "I feel" you are feeling reserved when this subject pops up and wonder why. Might be best to ask her in person.
I wouldnt worry about families fiances.. true love overcomes that. Sounds like she loves you for who you are and you for her.
Continue to be you. Hope this helps.
You are a sensitive and articulate young man, and obviously very much in love. You've written eloquently about your situation, etc. etc... That said, you should dump her long distance ass, forget about her, quit being a mush and get a local date. Like tonight.
Here's the practical. Long distance relationships can work but I think some part of that time has to be spent together at the beginning. Sounds like that hasn't really happened. Spend every summer with her, take French classes, and enjoy the time you do have together. It is rather impractical at your age to commit yourself in this way however, so don't think about the larger questions just yet. At some point, you should try to live with each other as a trial run I think, your relationship will develop more quickly and that will be a testing ground. If it doesn't blow up at that point, I say keep going. Maybe she'll move back, maybe you'll find a way to move to France. It's not impossible.
Such disparate answers may confuse you more. Here's another stab at it.
Sounds like it's been very dreamlike. She hasn't met your family? You haven't met
her family?
I disagree very, very strongly with Jill E. True love does not necessarily conquer
sociological constraints. The mostly-long-distance basis puts much of your relationship in the realm of fantasy. This is compounded by your not having told each other vital things - in your case, you've never explained the financial thing; in her case, we don't even know what it is she's been reticent about. I completely sympathize with you both but this isn't yet very real. Rovdog is right: get in the same
place and then talk instead of wondering.
Long distances are hard; and one tends to fill in the gaps with projections of the other.
I can’t tell you what to do, but I can tell you that at some point I let a relationship (and it was a long and beautiful 6 year one) go; with the trust that if it really was persistantly and naggingly important enough to us, then we would make the effort to see each other, and get togther again. But to bind someone, and to close yourself off to the possibilities of people next to you here and now; well, that’s not a choice we made.
I can say that in my case this worked out as it should be.
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