Hmm, yes. I attempted suicide when I was 17. A naive attempt, and I fear pain like most animals, so I went drugs. My parents had a huge container of ibuprofen in their bathroom. I ingested 4 handfuls of the pills… emptied the bottle. I thought that any drug in such vast volumes had to be sufficient to get the job done, especially after hearing about overdosing on tylenol. Turned out that over dosing on ibuprofen requires more than someone could fit in their stomach, and still wouldn’t likely work, because as it builds up in the bloodstream, it triggers the body to purge… just like alcohol or any other drug.
I went to the hospital and a police officer asked me if I was aware that suicide was illegal, and I looked at her like she had three heads. Obviously if you plan on dying, whether your act was against a man made law or not is really irrelevant.
I was not forced into an institution, but I didn’t care if I was placed there (i’ll get into apathy soon). I was in for about a month I think, and have some interesting stories from that too.
After I was released, I fell into a catatonic state for about a month. For those who don’t know, catatonic is the stage of depression lower than that of suicidal… as in more depressed. I laid in bed for a month, crawled out twice to eat some crackers just to assuage the pain in my stomach from slowly starving. And the fear, anger, and pain that you put those who care about you through is beyond words. That state is much like experiencing a true refined essence of apathy, total lack of caring for anything. You don’t even care enough to kill yourself… you just exist. During said state I climbed inside my thoughts and remained there. People become no more than moving objects within view, the world becomes just stuff that feeds the eyes.
Yes, I was informed that my extended family thought I attempted it for attention, and that made me wonder how many others thought the same but refrained from sharing. No one likes having people think things of us that we know are inaccurate.
Anyforth, your question is what drives someone to these actions/decisions. There’s a lot to explain there (and note that ‘s is used here as a contraction). Different people find different things that make them sad, angry, happy, and so on (not that I think you didn’t know that, just laying the groundwork). Mine has a lot to do with people, and society, everyone fighting to make laws to force others to do as they judge appropriate. Having my freedom taken from me gradually by a voting population, all vying to force others to do what they conclude is right is the epitome of slow dismantling of freedom in the name of right and safety. I provide my personal example to point out that the cause of the suffering is perceived as irreparable. I cannot change a nation of people, and the fact that there are others out there that see things the way I do does not assuage the suffering, nor does it make me happy. So key point, the inability to solve the ‘problem’ (the cause of the suffering).
I’ll try to simplify this. Imagine a set of scales that are weighted by good feelings and bad feelings. As the bad feelings side fills up, and the good feelings side empties, life becomes more and more dismal. At a certain point, one stops striving for happiness, being unable to obtain it, and simply longs to end the suffering… just stop the train (of pain), please, I want to get off. And at that point, death becomes an obvious, accessible, even desirable option.
People that haven’t suffered anymore than common depression that comes with the loss of a loved one, loss of their job, so on and so forth often consider themselves capable of sympathy, but at best can conjure some amount of empathy (which is vicarious).
I disagree with @JackAdams . I most certainly considered those that would be left behind, and from my discussions with other patients in the hospital, so did every one of them. If you are saying that we don’t base our decision on those left behind (as to save them from suffering the loss of us), then that is true… a bit arrogant to say that someone else’s happiness or contentedness is more important than ending my suffering, but true without doubt. The consideration of those left behind makes the situation more difficult. The person feels trapped. If I continue to live, I must suffer this for however long, but if I kill myself, I will hurt all those that I care about. And this trap actually adds to the misery of life, it is one more dead end that precludes you from solving the problem, one more way in which you are stuck and doomed to suffer… death begins to look like the only way out. It’s appeal even begins to grow.
Keep in mind that all this anguish is like one long problem solving event. Making decisions is very often much harder than carrying them out. Once the solution is decided on, the person will appear to come out of their depression. Actually, I would argue they do come out of their depression via the temporary application of apathy as a cure and the misery is washed away by a feeling of relief.
Hypothetical: If my planned death date is two weeks from now, then I know when I’m going to die. I only need to make it two weeks. So for that two weeks, I am care free. After all, what could possibly get me down? Whatever issue, dislike, or problem comes my way, whatever! It will be solved in two weeks.
Notice the ending the suffering here… all the suffering is going to stop, no matter its origin… death solves all for the dying.
That’s a lot of reading, and I condensed a mountain of information into a pebble (as far as I’m concerned). But I’m thinking this might give you a little insight into what the person went through. I would mention that at the moment of performing the act, many people feel an overwhelming relief. He likely wasn’t crying when he took his life. If he was crying it was for those he knew would miss him. That relief is also what allows the person to come out of their depression once the act is planned. My point here is that he didn’t die suffering, he was likely very relieved.
If you want to relate, think of that which you hate doing most, and then think of the feeling of relief when you complete the task and can then do something you want.
As to the people we hurt, it is often them that are part of the problem. It doesn’t mean we don’t love them or care about them, and that presents a conflict all its own.
One more note, as if to extend a novel on suicide (sorry about that), is the issue of selfishness. Suicide is most definitely a selfish act, one that gains the suicidal at the cost of others. Its purpose is to serve the desires of the self and no one else. But morning the loss of someone is no less selfish. You are morning YOUR loss, not theirs. They will never suffer again (depending on your considerations of after-death). They got what they wanted, and who are we to get upset that they got their desire just because we desired them to not get it. Things went their way, not ours, and to be upset by this is no less selfish. In fact, we got what we wanted (those that desired not to lose them) right up until the point they decided to satisfy them self instead. Might we be taking for granted that they lived in anguish, torn by the decision often times for the sole consideration that they would be hurting us? It moves me to think they suffered life for any amount of time to avoid bringing them self relief and causing me pain.
If I were to conjure compassionate words for you, they would be, “He’s in a better place (more desirable situation by his preference) now.” Funny how that cliche now takes on a whole different meaning without changing the words much.
I hope that helped. Sorry if it was painfully long.
Composing members:
0
Composing members:
0
