Social Question

jca2's avatar

Do you think that calling an older person "dear" is ageist, insulting and inappropriate?

Asked by jca2 (16826points) November 29th, 2019

I am in a etiquette/advice group on FB and today, one of the people in the group said she went to dinner with her family and the waiter called her “dear” two times during the meal. She said afterwards, she chastised him and told him it’s inappropriate and condescending to refer to an older woman as “dear.”

I would not have thought this to be so, but that doesn’t mean it isn’t. I am open minded about possibly being incorrect.

People commenting on the FB group post seemed to either agree with the OP that it’s terrible, and a few (like me) said it’s no big deal. They said it’s a term of endearment, like “hun” or “love.” One person said that a waiter would not deliberately insult a patron since they work for tips. One other person said just because some people feel it’s not ageist doesn’t mean it’s not, just like because some may not think of something as racist doesn’t mean it’s not.

What do you think?

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17 Answers

lucillelucillelucille's avatar

I’d hardly find it offensive as I highly doubt the waiter’s intention is to offend. I’d most likely view it as their own quirk.
I always wonder what kind of things don’t irritate people who look for reasons to be offended

Dutchess_III's avatar

I hadn’t really thought about it, but I suppose it could be. Kind of like automatically giving the senior discount without even asking if they’re over 65.

canidmajor's avatar

Oh, for pete’s sake. I’m 65 and never offended by such things. A stranger trying to be pleasant is a good thing.

Inspired_2write's avatar

It will sound very condescending for a younger person to call an older respectable person“dear”.

I had a much younger women do that to me and she used it often( condescending) to let me know that because ( newly married) her husband owned the store that through divine osmosis that she inherits the same respect and title???? Its denigrating.

I stopped her in her tracks when I started replying the same to her ” Yes dear…..etc)

She realized her error pretty quick ,but it took embarrassment for her to see it.
She went too far even with her new in laws calling her mother in law “dear” also didn’t go well.
Another one that she used was “my dear” after everything that she said.( “make sure that you do..“my dear” )..got people pissed off.

ucme's avatar

Can’t say anything these days without some bugger being offended.
All I will say though is, it would depend on the way it was said.
Not in this case as that is highly improbable, but I’ve seen it said before where the person will lean over speaking in a patronising way as if the elderly person was deaf or was a bit slow. That is not cool & they deserve a swift kick in the nuts.

Inspired_2write's avatar

Its called elder speak and its NOT helpful to seniors especially

Here is a link:
https://changingaging.org/elderhood/elderspeak-babytalk-directed-at-older-adults/

Inspired_2write's avatar

At its core, elder speak communicates a condescending attitude.

And from that attitude the person’s language might demonstrate the following features of elder speak:
Speaking slowly
Speaking loudly
Using a sing-song voice
Inflecting statements to sound like a question
Using the pronouns “we,” “us,” and “our” in place of “you.”: “How are we doing today?”
Using pet names such as “sweetheart,” “dearie,” or “honey”
Shortening sentences
Simplifying syntax (sentence structure)
Simplifying vocabulary
Repeating statements or questions
Answering questions for the older adult: “You would like your lunch now, wouldn’t you?”
In other ways talking for the older adult: “You are having a good time on the patio today, I see. And you have your pink sweater on, which you love.

johnpowell's avatar

You know what is condescending and inappropriate?

Puffing up your chest to express your economic superiority over the staff .

Got a problem.. Talk to the manager. Don’t corner the people just wanting to get by. What is your desired outcome? “Ma’am may I please your clean the heels of your shoes?”

I would have 86’ed the bitch.

Zaku's avatar

Depends on how it’s said and meant, and perhaps also on the audience and how they receive it.

I think it’s accurate that usually, wait staff don’t try to upset their customers.

(This reminds me of how I can’t help feeling annoyed when wait staff ask “how’s everything tasting?” though again, I know they don’t mean to be annoying.)

Sagacious's avatar

No. I don’t look for things about which to be offended.

canidmajor's avatar

@Inspired_2write: there is a HUGE difference between a server saying “dear” and someone with whom you are doing business saying “dear”. A younger waiter using the term is so unlikely to be condescending by simply using that word that it shouldn’t even register on the meter. In fact, the older woman chastising the server at his place of business is beyond rude and condescending.

Context is everything.

stanleybmanly's avatar

Not at all. I am much more inclined to believe the affectation a habit acquired from the waiter’s youth. He almost certainly picked it up from some woman who used it routinely when he was a kid. Perhaps his mother when speaking to her mother or other elderly acquaintances. I have definite memories of women routinely referring to people as “dear” in bygone days, and lavished on kids and husbands in particular. Funny how the trait has all but vanished.

KNOWITALL's avatar

Its more familiar than I’d use to a stranger.
Ma’am, Sir is more appropriate.

kritiper's avatar

Belittling. Disrespectful.

Pinguidchance's avatar

In America I wouldn’t call an older person ‘dear’.

Potentially costly perhaps.

Dear oh dear oh dear.

JLeslie's avatar

I’ll go with inappropriate, but not a catastrophe. I think people say it out of habit with no mal intent, but I have to say that when I am interacting with a stranger who is older I tend to try to be more careful about showing respect, and even being a little more formal.

I’ve caught two different waitresses in different restaurants where I live calling 60+ year old patrons “kids” and I find it extremely off-putting.

I wouldn’t make an issue about the “dear” nor get worked up about it.

Dutchess_III's avatar

@JLeslie I read about the incident on Facebook, and of the 5 or 6 people at the table, the older lady was the only one the waitress addressed with that term.
I think it’s thoughtless, at least.

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