Why are we so likely to get defensive when criticized?

These are my thoughts:

The person knows they made a mistake or didn’t follow through on a commitment and feels badly about it. They don’t want to feel badly so they switch the blame to the other person, or decide that the expectation that had been put on them was unreasonable.

Accusing someone else of being thoughtless, or in some beneath expectations makes the accuser feel they are at a higher status or more perfect.

Lastly, it can be leftover from childhood when your parents could dole out punishment, either verbal or physical, and trying to explain why the punishment should be less severe was self protection.

Sometimes feel rice Tati is of them were unfair, and instead of standing up for themselves before the matter, they find they are in a situation to defend themselves after the fact. For some people defending themselves is done in a mean manner. Sometimes out of frustration, sometimes it’s learned behavior. They have been treated the same way.

Ugh. Horrible typos, and I can’t correct it. Last paragraph: Sometimes people feel expectations placed on them were unfair, and instead of…

I can only speak for myself. Seems like people want to be understood, even in disagreements. It can be very frustrating when your words are twisted or people receive your words in a way you didnt intend.

Also, by your examples, perhaps priorities are different. None of those comments are very kind, maybe the person is just a jerk. Its a man isnt it? Many are horrible about being thoughtful, in my experience.

@KNOWITALL Generally speaking, I think men hate to be wrong.

This just happened to me yesterday and this morning. A friend called me last night and I didn’t answer. I was at Costco trying to print cards from my phone and phone was hooked up to the photo machine. She texted me asking if I could call her. I got home late. This morning, I texted her and explained why I didn’t answer and I said you can call me during the day. She responded “I guess I won’t leave you messages any more. Never mind.” I then was compelled to respond and explain how I was shopping from 3 o’clock when I got out of work until after 9, no dinner, etc. I felt defensive because she was expressing why she was annoyed, and I had my own shit to deal with (getting home late after running around stores all evening). It was like we were both on different wavelengths.

@JLeslie There’s an awful lot of women who are the same, me included. haha

@KNOWITALL Do you mean women who hate to be wrong? I agree a lot of women are like that, but there are also a lot of women who immediately feel they did something wrong and at too hard on themselves, and some women (like me) who many times hope they are wrong, because they worry about things a little too much.

Being wrong is wrapped up with ego and self esteem. Some people think not knowing something means they are stupid? I don’t think that at all. I do however feel badly when I don’t accomplish something I said I would do, and sometimes if it’s pointed out to me I lash out, I try not to, but it happens.

@jca2 Was your friend having some sort of emergency? I can’t imagine getting so bent out of shape as she did. I don’t always pick up my phone or respond right away to a text. I can understand why you felt annoyed. If I were her I never would have left a dismissive message like that. She was passive aggressive with you. It’s obnoxious.

@JLeslie Yes. I just hate to be wrong because I try to educate myself on things I care about. If I don’t care and am wrong, that’s not so difficult.

I would think that so many spend a good deal of time forming an opinion so it pisses some of them off when their opinions seem to be casually pooh-poohed by someone else who doesn’t seem to put as much thought into it.

@JLeslie: I was asking her on the text if everything was ok. If something was not ok, then I would have been willing to sit in my car between shopping in stores and talk to her, even if it took a while to have the discussion. If it was not urgent, then I had stuff to do. I felt like if she just texted me some summary of what the issue was or how urgent it was for her, it would have been helpful.

I have always been very self deprecating & think It’s an essential tool to have.
Happy to take on board constructive criticism & benefit from it, but if the criticism is unfounded or malicious, then you bet your life I’ll defend myself.
Some unfortunate souls thrive on negativity & will sling mud in your direction for no other reason but spite, they deserve scorn & I serve it up in spades.

It varies.
It depends on the person of course but I do know that narcissistic types do not take criticism well. That could be due to their deep insecurities.
Narcissist rage is a thing to behold.
Others might see it as an attack because that is exactly what it is.

@jca2 I’m with you. Having friends and family who need immediately attention for non-urgent things is annoying. Everyone is busy. It takes the joy out of the relationship and turns it into an obligation or chore.

If it were urgent of course you would have acted differently, but it wasn’t.

Nobody has a clean enough doorstep to say anything about what I do.