How do I tell my parent I'm transgender, and that I am not their daughter, but their son?

I’m not sure where you live, but there are lots of resources in America for people who identify as trans, and lots of support groups that may be more personal and helpful than an online forum in helping you figure out the safest and most comfortable way for you to come out to your parents, if that’s what you choose to do. I don’t know you, but I’m proud of you for being yourself even though it may be harder for you than it should be.

This is very common. Join an online support group, or ten local LGBT organization.

Life is full of scenarios, where you have to have uncomfortable conversations. Being genuine, with those who love you, shouldn’t be one of those.

Be tactful. Choose the best time, and place. Sit them down, with no distractions. Tell them what you feel. Hold nothing back. Get it all done, in one conversation.

Most parents, love their child regardless of the situation. It may take a while, for them, to digest it. But, if they really love you, they will accept it.

Be yourself. Life is too short, to not be…
You DESERVE, to be able to be yourself.

I don’t know you, but I support you.

I wish you nothing but love, and peace. You can’t have any of these things, without your parents knowing.

You were born this way, and have no control over it…

Find the courage, within yourself, to be YOU.

Don’t EVER feel bad, about your true self. No matter what anyone else thinks. That is a path, to happiness. You deserve that.

Remember, to love yourself too.

There’s nothing wrong with you. You just are, who you are. I respect that. I encourage that.

Stick your chin up, and be YOU. Fuck everyone else…

@MrGrimm posted the exact words I’d write. Just cover your bases and find alternative living space, just in case it goes bad at first. Friends, auntie, someone who loves you unconditionally.

As Yarnlady suggested find a support group. I was born female and never felt like I was something else so I have no first hand knowledge on how to put those feelings into words that can be heard and understood by someone else. But I do know what it’s like being a parent. If I can get you to understand how or why they think a certain way, then maybe you can be prepared and counter those thoughts. I think they will be disappointed but don’t mistake it as being disappointed in you. Often without wanting to see it for what it really is, parents feel like they let you down. A mom will wonder is it something she did or didn’t do.
So guilt will be one way your parents may go.
Denial you already met.
Then if religion is a factor then that’s a whole other thing.
I think of big issues like that as a death of a dream. Parents have certain expectations the moment they are told they have a boy or a girl. Nothing you can do to minimize those feelings. You have to let them ride that wave. Give them time. Manage your own expectations.
You are thinking it’s your body your life. Your parents are thinking how do I deal with how we are feeling and they are dealing with a million questions. There is no parent manual when you get a child. You wing it. But some things always stay true. Once we love our children, we always love them. But this a huge curve ball that very few people are prepared for.
Personally, I think (don’t know) I would feel I was living all this time in a fictional life. My reality is all just that. My own reality. Then I will wonder how did I not see this coming? Then I would blame myself for making my child suffer alone. Whether I sensed or didn’t sense it, I would’ve felt as a parent I failed in that area.

Yes there will be a lot of I before you. But it’s a process. Like death. Even when you don’t have anything to do with someones death, you feel guilt over something.
Then hopefully after many conversations you both get on the same page. Acceptance. Remember, you always knew who you were. They always thought they knew and must come to terms that they were wrong.

For now though. Put your feelings into words in a journal. Write all your fears and let your parents know what they are and how you feel about them.
When breaking news that may be seen as bad or troublesome, I wait till after the holidays. Not because I don’t want to ruin anyone’s holiday but because their thoughts are less stressed.
Personally I like letters easier. Its a way of putting down everything you want to say and not worry you forgot to say something or that you may say something wrong in the heat of the moment if tempers rise.

Review your letter, and make sure you are not assigning blame anywhere. That makes the receiver less receptive to your main message..

Read it to a friends mom or dad and ask they how they would take such news. But make sure its someones who’s life style and likes are similar to your folks.

But do seek professional assistance on this. Since I’ve never been in this situation, it really is mostly guessing.
Best of luck. I hope you find happiness. Which is every parents real wish above everything. Remember your parents wish for your love and happiness always.

I also suggest finding a support group that deals specifically with this. They are going to have lots of people who are struggling with the same issue, and also people who have moved through it and can share their experiences with you. In some ways, you’ve already taken the hardest step by being honest with yourself. Sincere best wishes to you going forward. I’m sure your parents will always love you, and just know that this may be confusing for them too, and may take some time to fully process. Also, welcome to Fluther!

I can’t really add anything else other than look for support groups. But I wanted to welcome you to Fluther.

Excuse me, but her “support group,” are supposed to be her parents…
They love her, for exactly who she/he is, or they suck. You support your family, through thick, or thin. This counts as neither. Their daughter, is a son. WTF , difference does it make?

If the OP’s parents, don’t accept the reality, THEN she finds a support group. And her parents, are pieces of shit…If I had a son/daughter, who saw themselves, as another gender, I’d love them just the same. Regardless of their sexuality, they are still YOUR offspring.
That doesn’t change.
If they have a problem with it, it’s THEM that is the problem…
The OP, has a RIGHT, to be whomever they want to be. And live a happy life…

Here is a good resource for both the OP, and the parents. It deals with being transgender, and talking to parents about this very sensitive subject.

https://www.hrc.org/resources/transgender-children-and-youth-understanding-the-basics

You are so brave. Thank you so much for sharing your situation with us.

First, if you are feeling very sad and having scary thoughts of suicide or self-harm, please call the Trans Lifeline at 877–565-8860. There is no shame in having scary thoughts. They happen. I have had scary thoughts in the past about my life as a gay man. I wanted very much to die by suicide for some time, but I got help, and now I’m very happy and out and proud.

There are some places on the internet where you can go to talk to other trans people. Reddit has some subreddits that might be helpful. Here is one. When you search for things on the internet, please be very careful. There are a lot of people out there who claim to be giving good advice, but they are not. @Kardamom already linked to one other good resource. It is from a reputable organization.

One of the members of Fluther is the mother of a trans boy. I hope she finds this question soon.

@MrGrimm888 The Op asked for help to approach the parents. A support group is use to providing that sort of help.

@MrGrimm888
Just a few thoughts on your response: and I would encourage you to say he not she

“her “support group,” are supposed to be her parents…”

Yes, I agree with you on this that everyone should be able to confide in their parents. Unfortunately, (and you said supposed to be so I’m sure you know) that not everyone can confide in their parents with touchy subjects such as this.

“If the OP’s parents, don’t accept the reality, THEN she finds a support group.”

Sounds to me that his parents don’t understand what OP was getting at when he first tried to come out, (they said he was “confused”). That may mean they don’t agree with it that may mean they just don’t understand but would support if they did understand. You don’t know.
The parents reaction could be from totally accepting to pissed off and hurt. There is no way to find out unless you asked a hypothetical “would you support this?” and even then, they might react differently to their own child coming out.

“Regardless of their sexuality, they are still YOUR offspring. That doesn’t change. If they have a problem with it, it’s THEM that is the problem… The OP, has a RIGHT, to be whomever they want to be. And live a happy life…”

Some people disowned their children once they found out they were LGBT and if OP is a minor, the parents can try and do everything in their power to take that right of being whoever they want away, until OP turns 18

I agree with your earlier response and I agree with @KNOWITALL OP should try and find a living situation just in case things go badly.

I would strongly encourage OP to reach out to support groups because it is a good idea to be prepared (mentally, emotionally, etc) for EACH outcome that could happen when coming out, good or bad, and they can help the most.

My son came out to me as trans three years ago. He was lucky to have supportive parents. I’m here to help and support you. I have access to an online support group just for teens that’s safe. Feel free to message me for more information.

@MrGrimm you’d be surprised by the number of parents who don’t support their trans children. Being gay is one thing. Trans is a whole different subject. A support group is exactly where this teen needs to go.

@Jonsblond Exactly. I’ve had a few friends come out as transgender and their parents were more pissed than my friends who had come out as gay.

Coming out in general is incredibly hard, not trying to claim one is worse than the other, but it sort of is like comparing apples to oranges considering that at least in my experience hearing people talking about the LGBT community, they really look at the “T” in a very, very, very negative light. ((again, just my experience))

^ You are exactly right. It’s sad.

You also have people who are both trans and gay like my son. People can’t wrap their brains around it. And don’t get me started on TERF’s. :(

https://www.forbes.com/sites/dawnstaceyennis/2019/12/19/jk-rowling-comes-out-as-a-terf/

Good advice. I certainly don’t have any experience with this. But, I’m a strong believer, that you can try, and give people a chance. If they are not aware of the issues, they can’t be judged.

I would like to think that the parents, might be resistant at first, but then they grow to understand the reality.

I get the sad fact, that it could go sideways. But, is the OP, doesn’t even give them a chance, that’s kind of a intolerance, in itself.

Maybe one of the parents, might be more understanding. If that’s the read, go to them first. They may guide the other, to where the objective is…

Again, I don’t have much experience, with this exact issue. But, I know people. They can’t need to be given a chance to prove that they are capable of understanding the situation.

I like the idea of a place to live, if things go badly. Always have a backup plan…

@MrGrimm888 Yes, give a chance. Sometimes you can’t always assume the best in everybody but you can still try to give them a chance provided you have backup plans in case things go south