What is his behavior trying to say? Does he play mind games or what?
Asked by
Bellezzz (
98
)
December 23rd, 2019
from iPhone
Hey there, my boyfriend tends to have this hot and cold behavior (this is how I see it), I’ve been going through a hard time with my boyfriend a lot of things happened to him like the lost of his ex-wife which he divorced like 7 years ago, had according to him a friendship with her after the divorce ( their marriage was a hot mess, lots of issues, this woman had outbursts) etc.
She did not last 1 month with her illness and she died, he was there for her and even though he had no feelings for her, this hit him hard (he has guilty conscience cause he cheated on her and they were just separated but not divorced, so it’s something that he has not been able to forgive himself of.
Anyways it’s been 6 months and he has not got over it, at the beginning of her death he just cried too much until like 2 months ago.
The point is after all this dilemma, I just feel like he does not truly love me, he says he does but I feel he still lives on his past and has not really gotten over her death or his life with her( this woman was 14 years older than him( he is 48 now,) she was 60, and I am 31.
I feel as if he does not truly love me neither will he marry me or have kids with me.He has this weird behavior for moments and I can see it in his face.
By the way, why do I feel this so much? Does it mean I am being insecure or that I am feeling his vibes? And why would he be with me( he has the knight in shining armor problem) he never wants to be the bad guy) so I assume that maybe this is why he wont break up with me, I don’t understand any of this.
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8 Answers
It’s hard to put a timeline on how long someone should grieve.
He was married to her. That is a significant part of someone’s life, divorced or not.
I think you need to give him a break. Literally.
Give him some space to work it out.
Six months of grieving is (generally speaking) not long.
Give him all the time he needs (and you allow yourself to give, of course).
One can’t put a timeline on grieving/mourning.
It happens that people never bounce back.
I don’t think he is playing mind games with you.
I think he is probably genuinely still hurting from her death (even if the were divorced, she still meant something to him, for a long time).
My guess:
- you and he are wrong for each other. He is 17 years older than you, and in a totally different place in his life than you are.
- you are placing demands on him that he doesn’t (or can’t) meet. You need to back off and quit demanding stuff from him, because it is going to come back and zap you in the face.
1. Nobody “gets over” a death.
2. From what you describe sounds like a second wife married to a man whom places his first wives memory over hers and will continue until he gets grief counselling and at this time NOT a good idea to be into another relationship as yet.
3. You are competing for attention with a a dead spouse who had MANY years of memories with him.
4. Better to be a friend and do not live with him nor marry him as HE is clearly NOT ready to put his past and severe loss behind him and that can only be done by professional counseling .
5. It doesn’t help when you are pressuring him, better to leave this as a relationship and find another to have relationships with.
However JUST stay As a Friend in the background in the meantime.
6. Death of a loving spouse cannot be replaced fully and right away until he understands and processes his pain through professional counselling only.You are not what he needs at the moment.
By the way Christmas time is not the best time to leave anybody,so see a counselor yourself to learn how and when to leave this broken relationship and heartbroken man whom he is leaning heavily onto you .
Now is not the time to pressure him or push him to “get over it” as you stated!
You clearly are not capable nor trained in grief stages nor the right person to help him except as a friend in the background.
You cannot ‘fix’ him so stop trying to change him, but accept him and understand what he is really going through, but get him the professional help now.
Not mind games.
Just a lot of baggage.
You just have to ask yourself if you want to have to put up with
it.
I wouldn’t, but I’m sort of lazy that way.
Whether or not your boyfriend had a good or bad relationship with his wife, she was still his wife, and he clearly cared about her, and most likely did his best to take care of her during her illness.
Grieving is a process that is very different for each individual. It is not for you to decide how, or for how long this man grieves for his ex-wife.
You and he got together during a very painful, and difficult transition, a transition that is ongoing. It appears that the timing was bad, and also that you two are not really a good match.
If you really care about this man, you might want to suggest that he join a support group for grieving spouses, and then let him do that.
In the meantime, let him go. You are wrong to think that he didn’t care about his ex-wife. It is clear that he did, no matter how bad their married relationship was. Things are not always black and white. He probably told you that he had no feelings for her so as not to hurt your feelings. Sounds like he is a decent guy, but he has a lot of issues to work out, and the two of you are not in the same place in life. Do him a kindness. Let him get help, without you being in the picture. Find someone else with whom you have a better chance for a future.
@Kardamom
I agree, but now at Christmastime is not the best time..they need to work this out in the next few months.
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