Would you have found a way to prepare people for communion at a funeral?

I’ve never been to a Catholic funeral but I’ve been to Catholic masses and weddings. I guess I kind of figured out on my own that I was not supposed to take communion but yes, it might have been nice if you were advised beforehand. I don’t really see a right or wrong here though.

Actually, I asked the priest afterward and he said anyone can take it.

It just put a bunch of us in a quandary. We didn’t know if it would insulting to Catholics for a non Catholic to take communion, or insulting to the spirit of my mom’s funeral to NOT take it.

I have been to one Catholic funeral (and a bunch of weddings).

It seemed self-selective. If people knew what it was an wanted to take Communion, they would move out of the row, go up to the front, and have their wafer. If you didn’t want to, or didn’t know well enough, you just stayed put.

No one was bothered.

Although it would have been proper for the priest to announce something, to put people at ease:

“For Catholics or guests who wish to accept the host, please come to the front” or something like that.

We just didn’t know if it would bother people or not. I wouldn’t have given it a second thought, really, except it was my mother’s funeral.

A mass is a mass. When it comes time for communion, you take it.

See how conflicting it is? From two other people I’ve heard that non-Catholics are not supposed to take it. It would be sacrilegious.

This article says non Catholics can not take communion, ”... there are very good reasons why non-Catholics should not receive Communion.”

Most masses that have non Catholics in attendance (funerals, weddings) the priest will make a short announcement, usually a long the lines of “we welcome those of the faith to join us in the Eucharist”.

Catholics believe one should be in a state of grace to receive Communion. How one defines that for oneself is up to the individual.

I was of the faith at the time, just not the Catholic faith.

When was this funeral?

It was in 2006.

I am very sorry your mother died. I am very sorry there was family drama about the funeral.

It was a long time ago. You’re rehashing ancient history. Time to move on.

@zenvelo (et al) is correct. The priest SHOULD have made a brief, coherent announcement and instructions.

There is no way for the priest to know who is Catholic and who isn’t. But it might matter if you don’t know what to do. I wouldn’t personally take communion out of respect but see nothing really wrong with it if someone wants to,

Supposedly, the most respectful thing, is to stand in line as you approach the priest, but cross your arms over your chest as a symbol that you are not receiving the Eucharist. The priest still does a blessing for you, and then you move on,

There was no family “drama’”
@Hawaii_Jake. Just momentary confusion.
Quit blowing things out of proportion.
It was a question. This is a place to ask questions. The date is not relevant.

It was a good question for discussion, too. We need more questions like this.

In the Catholic church, you take communion up front at ( a what I would call the) communion rail. Not everyone goes up to the front for that.
When my father passed away, he was baptized into a church (not being a Catholic one) and that pastor asked Mom if she wanted communion also (she refused), so it is not something only Catholics do. (Dad never attended Catholic church with the rest of us, but must have felt compelled to be baptized into some religion, not Catholic, by something his grandmother had told him. I considered this act of his as a way to cover his bet, or something like that.)
@zenvelo To be in a state of grace for communion, the Catholic must first go to Confession.

@kritiper One only needs to go to confession if one has committed a mortal sin. A mortal sin is of such grievous nature that an individual would not find oneself in a position to even receive communion unless very repentant. Reconciliation can take place with little formality.

I was at a Funeral where the Priest mentioned that if one wanted to take it fine and it was also fine is one did not.
He stated this as he was about to give communion.

I have been to a few Catholic weddings and they did communion. I just don’t line up for communion. Not my religion, not for me to participate in that part. Even people who are Catholic aren’t supposed to take communion if they haven’t confessed.

Since I’m a minority religion I’m in situations in churches that I don’t know what the heck is going on all the time during weddings, funerals, baptisms, first communions, and so on. It’s nice when someone bothers to explain, but I find that only happens about half of the time. My best experiences have been at an Episcopalian funeral and a Greek Orthodox wedding. Almost all Jewish weddings the rabbis explain what is going on. I’m Jewish, but I’m just saying for those in attendance they get some explanation about what and why. They also typically translate the Hebrew prayers to English.

Is it uncomfortable when I don’t know what’s going on? It was uncomfortable the first few times it happened to me, but then I became more used to it. The only time I was really annoyed (I might even say offended) was when an evangelical minister performing a wedding said being Christian is how you keep a marriage together and that being Christian is a hard choice with the attacks and ñ Christianity today. This was at a wedding!

I find it odd to do communion and for the priest to say things where the audience knows just how to answer back. I find it odd to leave people in attendance excluded in some way, but thatsM’s how it’s done sometimes, and I don’t think it’s with malice, it’s just how that ceremony is done.

The only time I really want fair warning is so I don’t offend anyone. If I need to dress a certain way, or if men should cover their heads, or some sort of requirement of the place of worship.

Good question, tough call. I wouldn’t know what to do so I would probably do nothing, just sit there. Six of one, a half dozen of the other.

In the Catholic churches I have attended, it was understood and reinforced that communion was for those that had already been baptized and have accepted Jesus as their savior. To take communion if you did not meet these criteria was considered wrong. If they didn’t put this out, they should have. But in the end, if you don’t want to do something, you don’t need to explain yourself. If you choose to forego the communion ceremony, you don’t need to say anything and just skip it.

I’m not Catholic but I’ve been to Catholic masses, funerals, weddings.

What my Catholic friends have always told me is that you have to have done confession recently in order to receive communion. Mortal sin is so much more than just murder and horrible crimes, @zenvelo.

I just googled it and found this to be just one of the requirements for communion. Here’s a link:
https://www.catholic.com/tract/who-can-receive-communion

It would have been nice if the priest explained.

This is a good question and one that’s worthy of discussion, in my opinion. Yes, in your case it was a long time ago but it’s something that could come up for any one of us at any time.

I’ll add, I wouldn’t expect someone in mourning to necessarily remember to warn me about what to expect. I think it’s up to the clergy, and volunteers and employees at the place of worship, more than anyone, to make everyone comfortable, and to be welcoming. It’s their job to have everything go as needed and expected. Second, I would hope others in attendance who are not the primary/chief mourners would help if they know what’s going on, and know others are not the same religion.

Yes they should have made a statement. Like @kritiper says, even Catholics dont always go up for communion or ashes, whichever. So staying seated is appropriate for anyone not comfortable or ready.

How awkward. Plus the length is quite different from other religions, maybe an opening thank you for coming and brief outline in mixed faith company.

@seawulf575 Communion was for those that had already been baptized and have accepted Jesus as their savior. I had been baptized….in a Pentecostal church. I had accepted Jesus as my savior in the 70s. Born again in the 80s.

Any other place I really wouldn’t have cared. I’ve sat through other communions without thinking twice. Like I said, the concern was, were we going to be seen as rude to my own mother’s memory by abstaining from that ritual?

My parents were Christians. I do not believe in Resurrection or Divine Origin, so I am not a Christian.

I don’t take communion wherever it is. It wouldn’t be appropriate.

Just like I don’t recite the Lord’s Prayer (although I always bow my head out of respect)

Just like I don’t genuflect if I happen to be at some sort of service in a Catholic church.

And most grown ups know this. Don’t they? I would no more expect to be told that I do not have to take part in Communion, than I would expect to told that I must.

Well, like I said, I’ve passed on lots and lots of communions, but these were unusual circumstances. What would Mom have wanted us to do? As her dementia grew, she fell back on the old Catholic rituals.
I wish I could remember exactly what the priest said that left so many of us confused.

@Dutchess_III I don’t feel like your mom gets to choose. It’s the rules of that church. It’s inappropriate to take communion in a Catholic Church if you don’t meet their requirements.

My MIL has a false memory of me taking communion in a Catholic church and it completely pisses me off to no end that she thinks that, because not only would I not take communion for my own rules as an atheist Jew, but I also would not take communion because I feel it is disrespectful to the church. I would never do it. When I go to someone else’s place of worship I absolutely and completely care about abiding by their rules and customs.

I feel like it’s always a quandary whether to honor the type of funeral the deceased would want, or having a funeral that the mourners might want or need.

If I knew that’s what my Mom would have wanted me to take communion, then I would have taken communion. No one would know if I met the requirements or not.

The funeral my sister put together neither honored my mom or helped the mourners in any way. It was like a cookie cutter, fill in the blanks with the deceased’s name and talk in Latin a lot. Also, walk around in robes and wave incense all about in the dark soaring church. It was the most depressing thing ever.

@Dutchess_III so let me look at it this way: If your mom really was a solid Catholic and believed in communion, she would forgive you for not partaking of something you didn’t believe in. If she did go to heaven, she will know you weren’t being a hypocrite and would be proud of you. If there is no heaven or hell and she is just gone, then there is nothing to offend.

I would still honor her memory.

@Dutchess_III When you say your mom left the Catholic Church, does that mean she just didn’t bother going to church, but still identified as a Catholic?

Do you think it helped your sister with her mourning?

I have empathy for what you are saying though. It sounds like if you had been at least asked, you would not have opted for the Catholic rituals, and you should have had a say in my opinion.

If you really feel your mom would have wanted you to take communion you can still do it. I don’t see the logic though. If she were a practicing Catholic she would know you shouldn’t. If she was a non-practicing Catholic she probably wouldn’t care. If she basically had denounced the church, she’d probably be more annoyed it was a Catholic funeral than whether or not you took communion. Even if you had been warned about what was going to happen during the funeral, you would not have had the opportunity to know what your mom wanted you to do regarding communion, unless it was all planned while she was still alive and able to have the conversation.

If my MIL died (God forbid) I can’t imagine my husband taking communion. His mom is a devout Catholic, and for sure we would have a Catholic funeral for her.

She washed her hands of them. Done. Until she got dementia. Then she just fell back on the old rituals. I don’t remember going to church much. We went to a Methodist church for a while.

I don’t think my sister cared. She does stuff that she thinks will make her look important and In Charge.
She was mostly focused on what money she could inherit. Turned out to be $30,000. My other sister and I didn’t see a dime of it.

So it does sound like your question is rooted in bitterness against your sister from years ago?

Wouldn’t blame her it if she was bitter. Got stiffed on a $75,OOO inheritance by my own two sisters. Happens in a lot of families. I’ve buried the hatchet with them long since, I don’t like to be hateful or carry a grudge. But sometimes I still get pissed when I think about it, despite myself.

Tricky. I’m not religious, but if I died I think my husband would choose a religious burial, maybe a reformed rabbi. I would be ok with that, and I would kind of expect it. Even when people aren’t very religious they often rely on the religion they identify with to handle the rituals of big life events.

Boy you should.have heard her yell 30 years ago when her husband millionaire grandparents past and the uncle who had power of attorney took everything! Every thing has ALWAYS been about money. If she gets something new, like a piece of furniture, it doesn’t matter how tasteful it is, doesn’t matter what it looks like. The only thing that is important is how much it cost. It’s really wild to me. I don’t understand that kind of thinking.

No. It really isn’t the money. It’s the underhanded, devious way she went about stealing it. She rewrote Mom’s will so it read my other sister and I were to give my sister every little thing that Mom had given us over the years….EVERYTHING…and she would determine who should get what.
I didn’t even respond.

And that is NOT what Mom would have wanted. I know her original will divided things up equally. Once, in the late 90s my sister had amassed a small.fortune. She was set.for life. My other sister and I were still struggling. Mom told me she was tempted to take rich sister out of the will altogether.
I said “Oh God! Don’t do that! She’d never talk to us again!” I don’t know if she did or didn’t. The point is moot cuz rich sister custom wrote the will in the mid 2000s.

So the question is not actually about etiquette in that circumstance?

Well, in an attempt to answer the Q as written, this is the response I got from a friend of mine, who is a Catholic priest. Many years ago, over a casual dinner in a diner, I asked what the protocol was in just such a circumstance, wedding or funeral mass, with non-Catholics taking communion. He said that they always are prepared to accommodate those that are ignorant enough to join in the communion. Rather than make a fuss, and ruin the mood and the flow, they behave inclusively, but they kind of wish people wouldn’t do that.

@Dutchess_III I feel ya. Been there done that got the t shirt. That said, I’m sort of glad to know that my own siblings aren’t the only greedy sob’s in the world. Oh well, that’s life I suppose.

Provide handouts with an outline of the service. Anyone who will be offended will have time to excuse themselves.

I never knew people could change a will at will if they were not the makers of the will.

@janbb They can’t unless the will is not probated and simply used as a guide. This is the case sometimes for those who really have little in the way of assets, but who still want certain items to be distributed in a certain way. In this case families may agree to do things a bit differently. A beneficiary can always, of course, force probate though which would insure everything would be done according to the will.

She had power of attorney.

She only took things that had monetary value, which means I got left with things like a lot of paper work and Mom’s purse and billfold.
Mom had dementia but still knew how to sign her name. We’d taken away her car keys about 3 years earlier.
What my sister did was take Mom to renew her driver’s license one day. That renewal date is the same date that is written on the will. I’m pretty sure her argument, had we fought it, would have been “The DMV wouldn’t have issued her a driver’s license if they thought she was incapable of driving.” Stupid argument, but I’m pretty sure that’s what she was thinking.
So, she just shoved these papers at Mom and told her to sign them. She did. No way in hell could she have comprehended what she was signing.
It’s pretty disgusting.
Among the paper work I found a small life insurance policy for $2,000. I was the beneficiary. After she passed Rich Sister learned about the policy and demanded that I turn it over to her. I used it to pay off my lawyer, and told her to take it up with him.

Power of attorney dies when the grantor dies. Often the attorney-in-fact (person named in power of attorney) is named executor of a will by the court. If you have suspicions call the probate court and get a referral for a probate attorney.

If your sister did business on behalf of your mother after your mother’s death via the power she had as an attorney-in-fact, I believe you need to call a lawyer today.

I

Well, I guess it seems like it’s water under the bridge by now or to use another metaphor, that ship has sailed.

My attorney at the time said it would cost about $50,000 to contest it. At any rate, it’s not the money. It’s the despicable way she treated Mom who couldn’t defend herself. Nothing can be done about it. I think my sister actually feels ashamed of her behavior.
Our youngest sister and I have been talking recently, and she asked what I knew of Mom’s will. Lot’s of stories came out on her side of monetary trickery on the part of the Rich Sister.
My youngest sister was not even aware that there was a will, so I ran it all past her. She got very, very quiet. Turns out Rich Sister was telling her completely different stories.

Younger sister didn’t make it to the funeral. Rich Sister had told little sister that there would be a meeting with attorneys after the funeral. Younger sister asked if I had gone. I told her that if there was a meeting I didn’t know a thing about it.

@Dutchess_III People get wacky when it comes to family deaths and money. I’ve been thru it a couple times and it’s incomprehensible, what some people will do for a few dollars.

It does blow my mind. Rick’s dad just died. All the carrying ons about who gets what furniture, and if they should have to actually buy it just about turned my stomach. So they buy Dad’s furniture….and who gets the proceeds from the sale?

@Dutchess_III Yep, and why would they want used furniture anyway, unless it’s antiques?! The proceeds usually are divided amongst the legal heirs, even if it goes thru probate, here anyway.

The battle of my grandfathers death was a new car of all things. My uncle wanted it and got it, but the siblings had to pay him a portion of the proceeds, since his portion was basically the new car. That didn’t go over real well, but they all followed thru on it.

They still won’t sign papers for the family grave plots, but I’ve washed my hands of all that.

When my MIL passes, that will be a battle royale, I assure you. Her three boys are mercenary….and she won’t do a will, just put everything in all three boys names. Sigh. I tried.

I hate it. I wish there was an afterlife so I could threaten my children with haunting if they ever acted so poorly.

I wish there were an after life so that maybe I could reincarnate as an only child in a well to do family. But with my luck they’d leave everything to their poodle.

@Dutchess_III I didn’t say a word about contesting your mother’s will.

You suggested contacting an attorney….for what reason if not to contest the will?