What would you do if a friend asked you to marry their spouse (details inside)?

People say odd things when they are faced with something like this. Take it with a grain of salt.

Wow, strange. Not you, just the request. Your call all I can say is proceed with caution. I don’t think my wife would request something like of me and I couldn’t do it anyway. We’re too close. I know it sounds sappy but its true.

I think your response to her was pretty good for being put on the spot.
If any of my friends did that to me, I’d simply tell them no and let the chips fall where they may.

Promises made to a dying person are not to be taken lightly, but one’s of such magnitude cannot be binding once the person has passed. You can promise yes, that after an appropriate period of time, you and the husband will get together, and leave it at that.

The bonds of marriage don’t extend to her holding him fast to anything once she dies.So be agreeable to ease her thinking, don’t talk to anyone about it, and just otherwise be supportive.

It’s all based on the assumption that he would go along with it.
What if he’s just not that in to you?

I wouldn’t make any promises.

If she brings it up again I’d probably just tell her that I can’t promise such a thing, but you do promise to check on him and help him if the worst happens. I’d reassure that you know how much she loves her husband and worries about him, and that you have concern for him too since it is important to her and to try to focus on herself and getting well.

Seems like he’d be grieving for a while anyway. Wouldn’t even be open to thinking about a new relationship. Wondering of maybe he has the hots for you and put her up to asking? Don’t shoot me just speculating.

The choice is out of her hands just as her illness is too.
But let her know that you can if he wishes to look in on him to see if he is looking after himself etc, but that is all that you can promise.

Wow, that’s quite a request!

It seems really pre-mature and peculiar. I would tend to suggest revising the proposal to stay in contact and be very supportive, but it seems pretty impossible to promise a good marriage with someone you aren’t even involved with, and have an established non-romantic relationship with.

My reaction would be to tell her she had best live because I have never believed in arranged marriage.

I once came within a few feet of smashing my myself and a friend into a wall because she kept talking a suicide a ll evening, over a MAN of all things!
There was a street in town which took a deadly sharp turn right at a tall retaining wall. People didn’t use it much.
When I couldn’t get her off the subject, I drove to that street, increasing my speed as I told her if she was serious, I’d do us both. Just before hitting the wall she screamed she didn’t want to die, and at the same time I did one of those use your brakes to hit a turn stunts. I had to pull over then because she was hitting me and crying. I told her I knew all she needed was to hear her own voice say she wanted to live.
Sometimes, when someone is talking death, what they really want is to be reassured that they are going to live, but the best one to do that, is themselves.

If that failed, I might start hitting on her husband in front of her as if she weren’t there. It would be taking a chance of losing a friendship, but I would count on it showing her she wants to be around to keep claim on her husband.

She’s assuming he’d want to marry you. He has some say in who he gets married to, I’d think.

I think it’s a weird thing for her to even think about. Yes, it may not be uncommon for a spouse to wonder about what will become of their loved one after they pass on, but to say to a friend that they want the friend to marry their spouse is weird, in my opinion. To expect that the friend will heed their wish is weird, to me.

Also, in your first sentence, you say it’s supposed to be treatable. Treatable, yes, all cancers can be treated. Did you mean to say curable? Not all cancers are curable. Is hers curable?

Eh, I wouldn’t do it, but then I don’t really find any of my friend’s spouses attractive. Or likable as people.

@jca2 Yes, curable is a more appropriate word. My mind was going in 50 different directions yesterday. I went into my own shock when she told me about the cancer. Then she followed it up with asking me to marry her husband. She’s normally a very down to earth person and I was caught completely off guard with everything that she had to say. I’ve been awake all night searching for the best way for me to talk with her!!! Actually, I’m hoping that once she has had some time to process her emotions that she will become more rational & realize the absurdity of her request!!!

Wow. I usually have strong initial opinions, but I really have no idea. All I can say is that you handled the situation much better than I would have had I been in your shoes.

I guess the ultimate dilemma boils down to this question:

“Is it the right thing to do to lie (a huge lie) to a dying friend to give them piece of mind in their final days?”

I’m so sorry to hear about your friend’s diagnosis. Sending you good vibes in this difficult time.

This reminds me of this story: https://nypost.com/2017/03/03/dying-womans-dating-profile-for-her-husband-will-make-you-cry/

Perhaps you could offer to help her write something like that as an alternative?

@LadyM My mom was diagnosed in 2011 with stage 4 breast cancer, due to meds she took for another issue.
The ER doc said it was in 8 places and she had 3 months or less to live. After testing and meds and rafiation and chemo, she had the least aggressice cancer and meds were effective. She was given 10 years or less.
She was 100% cancer free this week.

My point is emotions during diagnosis and testing are all over the place. You are overwhelmed with doctors, treatment aka chemo brain, and people often freak out in panic.
Give her time, placate her, shower her with love and support. She’s processing and trying to control her current experiences. Its normal. In time, you can look back and giggle together about this.
Sending love and strength thru the process for all of you.

@gorillapaws Thank you…I felt so lost with the conversation we were having & I’ve seen the jellies brainstorm a mess into a doable result. Not being personally attached to any of us involved, I’m thinking that at a minimum one of you or maybe even ALL of you will say something that will help to defog my now muddled brain!!!

That would be a hard no.

@KNOWITALL I’m thrilled for your Mom!!! And I do understand what you’re saying. I’ve had a couple of close friends who were given less than 6 month. One lived 8 years & it wasn’t the cancer that took her out. The other lasted 10 years & was killed by a drunk driver. This friend wasn’t given a time frame…yet. She’ll be going back for more tests & get updated info as to what she can expect. At this point, I’ve decided to be there to support her when she needs it & I plan on pretending we NEVER had the rest of the conversation unless she brings it up again. Maybe by then I can conduct a more rational discussion with her. I’m assuming that IF she approaches her husband with her request that he will at least call me to form a plan of action on dealing with her. I know he loves her deeply & I don’t see him as being immediately open to her request. I don’t think that she was thinking when she came up with her idea!!!

@LadyM You’re a good friend, she’s blessed to have people who care. Best of wishes for remission

I see this as hostage-taking! No one has the right to extract such a promise.

I would look at them in utter amazement and say, “What do you think I am? Some kind of nut??”

@ARE_you_kidding_me She’s normally a well grounded & in control lady. Today I’m thinking that maybe I freaked out because she was freaking out. I’m holding my breath every time the phone rings hoping it’s NOT her when I answer. At the same time I feel the need to be there for her whenever she needs support. I know she knows how much I love my husband & we’ve had many discussions on how my heart still feels as though he’s still here with me & how I’m NOT interested in having another man in my life as I haven’t stopped loving my husband since he passed!!! I’ve also been thinking of pointing out to her that her husband will feel much the same & how marrying just for the sake of marrying is NOT a very good idea!!!

@NoMoreY_Aagain I do understand what you’re saying!!! When my husband passed, I was heart broken. With time, I realized that I still held enough love for him in my heart that it was only growing stronger!!! Before I found my one true love, I couldn’t understand why my Mom’s friends said they didn’t want another. Well, I now understand because I have NO interest in having another…simply glad I had the one I did!!!

This woman is a control freak in their marriage & I’m wondering IF she’s thinking that he won’t know what to do IF she’s not there to tell him when to do it. I think he often forgets things just so she can remind him to do it. He’s always telling her I’d be lost without you. I think that he’s going to miss her terribly, but will manage to take care of himself when necessary!!!

I’m hoping that he will be thinking enough like you, that he will decline her request & handle it in a much better way than my saying absolutely NOT!!!

@lucillelucillelucille Thank you. I knew it was the wrong time to say NO WAY…yet I know that’s going to be my answer IF she ever asks again!!! I’m hoping he will have a more loving way of telling her that’s a crazy idea OR she will realize it herself!!!

There is nothing wrong with just telling the truth about how you feel. Tell your friend that you will provide support for her husband, but that marriage is not an option because, as much as you like him, you are not in love with him.

@LadyMarissa -How do you think she’d react if you just told her, “No. I won’t do that”.?

I think you can very simply say, if she brings it up again. “That’s a lovely thought but I don’t think it will work for either of us. However, I will certainly continue to be a supportive friend for him.”

Food for thought? Honey, this is yours to deal with. I have no food for thought for you.

As for me, it would be a ‘No, I can’t make that promise; I love you too much to not be honest.”

HELL YES BABEY

Now that I’ve gotten past the shock of her news & her request, I have decided to decline her offer!!! At the time she was asking, I didn’t feel that she could stand hearing a no. I’ve not heard from her today & I’m hoping that she is processing the news & hopefully has had a discussion with her husband. He has been married to her for over 30 years & he’s very good at reigning her in when she gets over the edge. Hopefully by the time we discuss it again, we will BOTH be in a better head space & I can tell her how I really feel about it!!! I’m pretty calm now & think that I can finish this conversation with her in a way that will make ALL 3 of us happy…or as happy as we can be considering the reason for the request. I think that in time, the problem will also be a thing of the past!!!

In the wise words of @RedDeerGuy1,

Funny thing, when you think of who you would want to take care of your spouse if you have to pass early who would you want it to be? I picture my best friend.

@photonboton @RDG…NOT going to happen!!! I don’t think that she was asking me to have sex with him!!! She’s very bossy & she’s always telling him what to do. He often pretends that he doesn’t have a clue all the while grinning from ear to ear. I think a lot of what he does is to make her feel that she’s the boss & she wanted me to be bossy with him so he won’t be so lost. I don’t think that he & I could ever have the same type of bossy relationship because he lets her get away with it because he loves her so deeply & I don’t see us ever getting to that point!!!

I don’t mind checking in on him to make sure that he is taking care of himself, but I think that’s as far as I plan to carry our friendship!!!

That’s the ticket! Problem solved. Next time take it to Dr. Phil.

Uh oh…got a feeling I’m about to get run outta town on a rail. Again.

I’d like to THANK everyone who responded. Each of you gave me a piece of the puzzle that brought it all together in my mind!!! With the news she had just received, I can’t blame my friend for going over the edge. One of 2 things are about to happen. 1) She gets herself back together so she can deal with her problem…OR 2) she’ll be so embarrassed that she never mentions it again!!! Personally, I’m rooting for #2 although I prefer that she gets herself back together as well!!!

@NoMoreY_Aagain What did you do??? I musta missed it…I didn’t see nuffin!!!

Excellent! Hey is that an owl? Cough.

My dad had lung cancer and this was back in the mid-‘70s. They took a lung and a half. We lost him in 2001. Cancer can be beaten. I had cancer and I’m still cancer-free after 4 years. I can love a friend, but that doesn’t mean I could have a life with her. I’d try to be there for her and to be as strong as she needed me to be.