What is the polite way of asking a potential friend if he has mental illness?

A direct question is not a polite way, in fact any question without an explanation why you are asking is not polite.

The healthy way is to establish a boundary and why that boundary is necessary, and to initiate with how you feel.

“It makes me uncomfortable when you pick at my furniture/double check my stove/look in my freezer/wash the plate I just handed to you before you use it. If you can’t stop, can you tell me why you do that?”

I can’t think of one.
I suppose it depends on what they’re doing.“Are you ok?” might be a way to initiate that conversation.

Interesting question, @mazingerz88. Depending on how ‘weird’ the behavior is, I’d probably just get to know him outside my home and not ask him any questions related to his behavior. Let him divulge what he chooses to divulge, in his own time.

There is still a lot of stigma with mental illness, and he may need to get to know you a bit better, too. Many mental illnesses have caused or were caused by trauma, which isn’t always easy to talk to people about.

Would him disclosing help your relationship?

I wouldn’t, ever!
That would be crass, insensitive & wholly unnecessary.
Leave it up to them to say, if they even do, they’re in charge of that decision entirely.

Re setting boundaries. Not sure I would be comfortable telling an adult to from now one not do what normally thinking people should have already known. It would feel like I’m dealing with a kid.

Some of your language reads as red flags to me. I’m not sure pursuing this relationship would be healthy for either party.

@raum Agreed. I’m so curious about the ‘weird’ behavior.

The weird behavior is close to what @zenvelo mentioned.

@mazingerz88 Oh I see, probably OCD or ADHD. I have a lot of friends with both, and it sounds very familiar. Either way, there’s nothing they can do about it to make you more comfortable, it’s compulsive.

Accept him as he is or not. Those are really your choices.

Don’t most crazy people not know they’re crazy?

@KNOWITALL I should just probably limit our friendly relations outside of home. Am I correct thinking that is what you would do if you find the unusual behavior too weird? Don’t know any other adult person with ADHD or OCD.

@mazinger I would but if it’s very bad, it could also be embarassing in public. I suppose it depends on your tolerance level.

One of my friends with ADHD is wound pretty tight, never sits still, which increases my stress level, and my dogs, so I just stopped inviting him over.

He’s spilled wine on my carpet, brought mud in on boots, doesn’t make his child behave, it was just destructive. Outside the home, it doesn’t bother me much at all. Best of luck!

“Dude, are you getting help for that?”

Potential? Does the friendship hinge at all on the answer? Aberrant behavior in YOUR household is always worthy of explanation, but .the question is too vague regarding the severity and threat presented by whatever “tic” is displayed to determine the urgency of your requirement for explanation.

Thanks jellies for all your input.

There isn’t one.

“Seriously, are you out of your freakin’ mind?”

“You are totally f—ked up in the head, you know that?”

If his behavior is too weird, I wouldn’t want to be too friendly with him. I might also find it embarrassing in public.

He may have an undiagnosed illness or he may not want to disclose it to you.

@Dutchess_III Using the word “crazy” is generally not done any more – at least not on the coasts. And in my experience you are wrong; most people with mental illnesses know they have one and what it is by the time they are young adults or adults.

@KNOWITALL I wouldn’t mind so much some of the weird behavior. It could be bewildering yet little bit humorous at times. I just wish I knew why and how to deal with it without offending him. What makes me uncomfortable is the picking up of personal stuff without asking.

@mazingerz88 I get it, sorry. My ADHD friend does that, too.