What helped you get through the death of a parent?

Writing about her life and completing a Family History books outlining her origins of her relatives of which we never knew about until “after her death” after I did some research on it.

I took three years + before I could actually view her pictures without crying.

I now look at them with all the positive things about her life instead of lamenting her passing .

I used to celebrate her Birthday instead of the day she passed on but recently I stopped that altogether , in order to move on and stop reminding others as it keeps everyone feeling down.

Silly As it may sound humor has really helped. My father had an awesome sense of humor, And he Would have appreciated the jokes I make at his expense now!

I happened to already be in therapy when my father was hospitalized a month before he died. After a week in ICU, when it was realized he probably wouldn’t ever go home again, my therapist asked me a very direct question:

“Do you have any unfinished business with your father?” (meaning, are we resolved on any open questions between the two of us).

I was able to honestly answer that we had not left anything unresolved, that he knew I was “fully launched” and I knew he loved me and knew he had done his best to be a good father.

When he passed, I was able to let him go without resentment or questions.

When my Dad died (we were very close) my mother took that opportunity to take the governor off of her mouth and let me know, it no uncertain terms, just how much she disliked me.. I went into therapy as much to deal with that as to deal with the grief. My dad had always had my back, and if he questioned some of my life’s decisions, we talked about it. We shared so many interests that los8ng him was especially hard.
That was 13 years ago, and I still miss him fiercely.

Conversations I had with both of them before they died. Funny little things as well.
My mom was in hospice and was unable to speak. She could hear and understand things perfectly well though.
I tested this by asking her to slap my husband if she could hear me, which she did gently, of course :)
My dad stopped over not long before he died and we had one hell of a conversation. It was a gift.
I miss them both very much.
As far as death goes, it wasn’t a surprise so that makes it a bit “easier’ but with any loss, it takes time to get to a point where it isn’t so painful.

@canidmajor That’s messed up, I’m sorry. You’d think she’d have let you grieve first, as if losing your father wasn’t hard enough. Wow.

Time. The only thing that’s real.

I was lucky. @Gailcalled helped me. She reached out to me and gave me comfort and humor when needed. She even sent me a book of poems that was given to her after her son’s death. It has book marks for the poems that specifically helped her.

Prayer and forgiveness. He took his own life by jumping off a bridge and I was the last person he talked to. He called me from the bridge. I never got mad at him for that, I just felt sorry for him that he felt that was the only option he had. Praying for his peace and forgiving him anything I might have felt he did wrong did wonders.

Friends who listened. And listened. God Bless

Nothing never really gets you through a painful loss, we all handle things of this nature differently, as time goes on it just hurts less, but the heartache remains. When my Mom passed away, I found myself keeping in touch with her friends and we would always swap stories and share memories, laughed and cried, still till this day, I committed to always placing a lit candle next to her photo along with a Birthday and Mothers Day Card. It just does something good for my heart when I do….Doing this helps me.

My mom died 3½ years ago and I still think about her every day. Usually once a day I will have a thought about “I should call her” and then I remember, no, I can’t call her, she’s dead.

She was diagnosed with stage 4 breast cancer, and then it went into remission for a few years, and then all of a sudden it came back, having metastasized to her bones. I learned a lot about cancer treatment and also, what cancer does to the entire family. It’s like the whole family is sick, and it becomes an ongoing journey of tests, waiting for test results, the anticipation of test results, changing the course of treatment, seeing how the new treatment works, tests, test results, and on and on and on.

What I didn’t realize when she was diagnosed with bone cancer is that, although the bone cancer can’t be cured, but can be treated, it breaks down the bones and the calcium spills into the blood stream, screwing up the kidneys which has a whole host of bad symptoms. Then it spread to her liver, which she never told me. She told me she had spots on her liver. For about a year I was hearing she had spots on her liver. Every time she went to the oncologist, I would ask my mom “What did she say about the spots on your liver?” Every time, she said “she says not to worry about them.” So I figured if the doctor says don’t worry about them, I won’t worry about them.

At the end, she was very frail and weak. I made an appointment with a grief counselor. She told me I was in a good position because I was coming to her (the counselor) prior to my mom’s passing, so I could prepare. I told her how my mom was such an inspiration to me when I was growing up. She had a BA in Biology, and then when I was about 10 she went back and got her MBA (this was in the 70s when this was a relatively new field for women). She used to dress up every day for work, take the train to the city (NYC), and it was all very inspiring. She was beautiful, smart, everything. The therapist told me that maybe I wanted to let her know.

So with my sister, who is 18 years my junior, we talked about what the therapist said. We went together to my mom’s bed, where she was laying very weak. We both told her about how she inspired both of us. She could barely speak but she said “that’s sweet.” She died about a week or two later.

I saw the grief counselor one or two more times.

My mom, like many matriarchs, was the glue that held the family together. The family is still together, but she was really the hub. She used to have parties and dinners and we all went for holidays and cookouts. She was tireless when it came to being a hostess. Wee’d go on vacation together and to things like the circus and plays in the city. That’s changed when she died. We still gather but we will just as easily go to a restaurant. The dynamics have changed, not worse, not better, just different.

For me, I kind of have rolled with the punches. I miss her every day and I know the whole family misses her dearly.

My mother was recently diagnosed with breast cancer and I’m just trying to process a lot of things. It helps to hear all of your stories.

Thank you for sharing.

@raum: I remember when I first heard the news that my mom had breast cancer, I was very upset and decided to take myself out for a drive and to go shopping (to feel better). I took back roads through a beautiful area, and it was not helping. I went to the store, and I was not into it at all. I was very upset that whole weekend and then I decided that I’d have to pull myself together for the sake of going to work and being a parent and all that.

It was unimaginable, having my mom die but it’s definitely a journey.

Hopefully your mom has a good outcome, @raum. Hopefully she has great doctors, which makes all the difference. There are so many new treatments now and new courses of treatment.