Can you tell me a really funny joke?

A guy visits the proctologist’s office and complains “Doc, I have this irritation back there that’s driving me crazy”. The doctor says “remove your trousers and lie face down on the exam table. I’ll take a look.” So the guy climbs on the table while the doc dons a pair of latex gloves, then proceeds to peek and poke around. He’s only at it for a few seconds when he exclaims “WOW” as he reaches in and extracts a dozen perfect long stemmed roses. The doctor is of course astonished as he walks the roses over to the top of table snd shows them to the patient exclaiming “what the hell were these doing in there?” The patient looks puzzled and replies “I dunno doc. Did you read the card?”

Bar jokes:

A man walks into a bar and sees a horse. Well now, that’s something you don’t see every day. The man asked the bartender what’s up.
The bartender explained that most of his customers are regulars. Only a few can play darts at a time. The others get bored. So, they turned to bar bets. The bartender said the horse was his. He’d brought it in to put his customers to the test.
What kind of test? Asks the man. The bartender said the wager is your fifty bucks to my fifty and a free beer if you can make the horse laugh.
The man put fifty on the bar. He says, “I’m up for that.”
He approached the horse. He started petting it, and patted its neck. After making sure the horse was calm, he gently lowered the horse’s head, and whispered in its ear. The horse jerked up his head, twisting it side to side, and laughed!
The man went back to the bar. He pocketed the hundred dollars, drank the beer, and left.
Sometime the next week the man was back again.
“I see you’re still taking bets on the horse,” he said.
The bartender said he was, but the bet had changed. It was the same wager, only to make the horse cry without harming him.
The man put fifty on the bar, went to the horse, and taking it by the halter, led it to the stock room, and after two minutes led the horse back to the corner. It cried the whole way.
The man walked back to the bar. He pocketed the hundred dollars, and drank the free beer.
As the man turned to go, the bartender blustered, “Mr., you took a hundred dollars and two beers from me. I gotta know how you did it.”
With a straight face the man replied, “I whispered to him that my piece of action is bigger than his.” The bar crowd roared with laughter.
The bartender pressed, “How did you make him cry?
“I showed him.,”

I could but you’d have to pay me first!

NSFW. From Jimmy Kimmel. Not exactly how he told the joke but…

“After his divorce Brad Pitt seemed to be having a lot of problems and he even needed to learn how to swim. He needed to learn because he was drowning in so much pussy.”

What did the monkey say when he peed off a cliff?
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A little of this goes a long way.

In Texas, everything is big.
A Texan man and some other guy were driving across country together.
Mile after mile the Texan went on and on about how everything in Texas is bigger than anywhere else. The other man was about nuts over it.
Suddenly the Texan complained he hadn’t seen a town or rest area for miles. The other guy said yeah, he wanted to stop somewhere to pee. The Texan stated that he too was feeling pressured. The road had no place to pull over.
Finally there was a bridge ahead with a small patch of flat ground right next to the end. Texan parked, and the men walked into the bridge to let go. They went to opposite sides. Suddenly the other guy wanted to give Texan some payback. He said over his shoulder, “man, this water is cold.”
Texan shot right back, “yep! Deep too.”

Guys, I know you can do better! ;) Gimme more pls!!

A rabbi walks into a bar with a parrot on his shoulder. The bartender takes one look then asks “where’d you find that?” At which the parrot screeches “Brooklyn, they’re everywhere.”

@Patty_Melt really awful…...

Sorry.

How do you know you’re an alcoholic?

When you walk in a bar for the first time and the bartender calls you by your name.

@Patty_Melt… My Dad was raised in Texas. I was born in Texas. He told me that joke when I was about 20 so I love it!

He was also in the navy. So a navy guy and an army walk into the bathroom. They pee. When he’s done the navy guy starts to walk out the door. The army guy said “My momma taught me to wash my hands after peeing.”
Navy guy shoots back “Well my momma taught me not to pee on my hands!” and left.

In November 2016, God and Satan walked into a bar to get drunk.

And…
Another thread ruined by political discourse.

Not yet. You want some funny Trump jokes?

@stanleybmanly no :D

Why did God and Satan decide to cancel their cage fight? Because there are kids in it.

Teacher: Given 8,756 and 3,279, what is the difference?
Student: That’s what I say. What’s the difference?

Saw this one on television a long time ago:
Teacher: There are two words you should not use. One of them is swell and the other is lousy.
Student: So what are the two words?