How do you deal with a family member who isn't able to tell the difference between something serious and a joke?

”...she is stressing really bad over this C19 thing. Far worse than she needs to,...”

You really can’t say this, I feel.
When you are stressed, and I mean to a debilitating level, it’s very well imaginable that certain functions don’t function as they would when one isn’t that stressed.
I was very, very stressed a while ago, and the smallest snippet of news, or any funny meme that I was sent, sent me over the edge.
To a level that I didn’t recognize myself, in hindsight.

Don’t judge people on their, possibly, atypical behavior while we are in grave circumstances, is what I would do.

I’m worried that the kids are going to suffer needlessly. She has a very low patience level to begin with.

I don’t think telling someone that they shouldn’t feel the way they other people are making them feel but should feel the way you think they should feel is helpful. However, you might suggest that if posts on Facebook are making her feel overwhelmed, maybe taking some time off from FB and other news might help her feel more at ease..

I didn’t say I wanted to tell her. I’m thinking of oblique ways to hint that she doesn’t HAVE to stress just because some people on FB are panicking. She doesn’t HAVE to do what they do.
Like, I just posted, “I hope no one thinks the kids can’t go outside. They can. They just need to stay in their yard, and stay away from other kids. They NEED fresh air and sunshine.”
They say that child (and spousal) abuse is on the uptick because of this, and it scares me.

@rebbel So when you were stressing did you take it out on your kids?

Of course the range of reactions to this thing are going to be all over the place. She will settle down to this if only because it will be displaced by the next crisis over which she can worry herself senseless.

I know, right? I just pray that she isn’t taking her stress out on the kids. I’ve told them a hundred times that I’m here if she needs a break.

I just wish people would quit being so irresponsible. They’re posting recipes for sanitizers that include mixing Comet and bleach. Recipes for home made Pedialite.

I’m sure she doesn’t live in a vacuum, and that people closer to her than you are, are looking out for the kids. Are they living with you? If not, you can’t know every little thing that’s going on. Do they not have a father? If she hasn’t said anything to you, how do you know what her state of mind is?

I just posted ”As we navigate this mess, keep in mind that the survival rate of C19 is 97.2%. However, we need to continue to flatten the curve so we don’t overwhelm our medical system, and we want everyone to stay safe so we can protect our weaker people.”

I started to include the CDC link, but it huge BOLD letters the headline reads:
Severe Outcomes Among Patients with Coronavirus Disease 2019 (COVID-19) — United States, February 12–March 16, 2020

No telling how she could interpret that so I left it off.

Invalidating someone’s feelings doesn’t seem helpful to me. More useful would be setting a positive, upbeat example (without being obnoxiously cheerful) and offering help or support (e.g., “I’m here if you need to talk”) to whatever extent you can.

Also noted: These days we may need to call upon the wisdom of our years to strike a good balance between helpfulness and MYOB. I have a relative who thinks I’m wrong to let my son go out. He’s a grown man and I’m not “letting” him. This relative doesn’t know what it’s like to live with him cooped up. His advice is not helpful at all; it just feels judgmental, and I do not need that.

Reminds me of a fellow student in a public speaking class I took once. A young man got up and gave a 15-minute PowerPoint presentation on child-rearing, with lots of do-and-don’t pointers on how to raise a successful child. During Q&A time, someone asked him if he had any kids. “Yes,” he said brightly. “He’s six months old.”

I have not spoken to her about this. I’m just posting more upbeat and positive messages. I have a standing invitation to take the kids if she ever needs a break.

I’m not very into the COVID19 related jokes either. A friend of mine sends me parodies and jokes, and some get a giggle out of me, but many of the videos I watch for a few seconds of it or not at all. I’d rather laugh about something unrelated to the virus. People are overworked, are critically ill, and are dying en masse. Most of my friends seem in the same mode. They remind people to stay at home, to distance, and speak out when people post photos of groups of people together on Facebook.

On the other hand, most of us are not bored. We talk about what we’re doing. Some people are doing zumba online, some are walking with neighbors on opposite sides of the street. Some are still working. One of my discussion groups is organizing a lecture on zoom. One of my closest friends is painting her garage with her husband. All sorts of projects.

I would not be sending her jokes, I doubt you are, but I’m just putting it out there.

If she doesn’t want to let her kids out maybe let her know what the stay at home order actually covers by tagging her on a photo explaining it if you have one in your state. People can usually still go outside for walks or whatever activity, as long as they don’t go near people they don’t live with. Keep ten feet or more. It varies by state though. If she wants to stay only inside, I say let her, she just needs to make sure she’s getting exercise.

Maybe she is a glass half empty type of person. Or, maybe she just is listening to too many people who are anxious and negative. Maybe she needs to focus on positive and using her time on something she’s interested in. Maybe you can help her with that?

It’s not that she isn’t “into” them. She has a very hard time recognizing jokes when she hears one. She tends to take them literally.

@Dutchess_III I wouldn’t try to joke with her then. If she’s getting upset about how some people joke maybe she can tell the person she doesn’t like it if they are doing it in person, or on Facebook hide the posts from the people who usually post them.

I’m not sharing jokes, and I’m not joking with her. I am talking about FB posts.
She isn’t upset about the jokes. She doesn’t recogize that they are jokes.

I’d say leave the poor thing alone. If things are as you say, it must be hard enough being in her place without someone wanting to improve her reactions and correct her feelings.

I am not bothering her at all. I haven’t said a single thing, not one single thing, to her.

I am worried about the kids. I’m trying to figure out how to offset her inability to recognise a joke.

You asked:

“How can I handle this, reassure her that it is not a requirement that she has to be stressed out?”

It just sounds to me like maybe you don’t have to take that on.

One of the things I’ve tried to learn in my latter years is that people don’t owe it to me to spare me from worrying about them. That worry belongs to me, not them. Pretty hard when it’s my grown kids, but I try because I don’t want to drive them nuts.

I’m not worried about her. I’m worried about her ability to deal with the kids rationally. I’m worried about the kids.

She doesn’t get any jokes ever? Or, just COVID19 joke?

Do the kids complain to you that their mom is being unreasonable? Maybe they just see it as another day in their life and not something serious.

If like you say she freaks out at every joke, I think she has a deeper problem with her emotion than this epidemic. Telling her to just chill out won’t work.

Either way I would suggest you get some perspective through her children. Ask them something like “how are you doing these days? Anything you feel uncomfortable with your mom?” The answer may not be what you expect.