Which kind of emotion was harder to show in your family of origin, negative or positive?

In my family, positive emotions were not shown. Negative definitely was, as my mother was quite vocal. My father, who was an adult child of an alcoholic, was brought up in a depression era family and then enlisted during WWII, becoming a part of a cohort that did not express emotion.

I once asked my mother why no one ever said anything about an A had gotten on a test, and I was told, “well that’s what you’re supposed to get, why should I say anything?”

I have worked very hard as part of my own recovery to not perpetuate this family dynamic.

My parents had some aversions to expressing anger (not so much annoyance or disappointment, nor the emotions you listed as positive).

However, this didn’t make me uncomfortable expressing anger, though I sometimes was frustrated with my parents discomforts with anger.

If anything, I think it made me more outspoken about anger and strong negative opinions. I can be diplomatic, but often I find that there are outrageous things that I think need to be called out and railed against. I was conditioned to be the one who would speak out about things that are terrible that I think people ought to be angry and outspoken about.

Definately negative emotions were not expressed.

Just be happy, keep a smile on your face and your mouth shut. Do as your told. Don’t sass back. Don’t make people uncomfortable. Don’t be too loud. Now, speak up, don’t be so shy.

As an adult, I moved out at 17 yrs old and have been chasing happiness with a bold stride every since.

‘I’ll say what I want until someone beats my ass, then I’ll say what I want with a black eye.’

Positive emotions were not expressed.

@kritiper Many of my friends were the same, I’m sorry.

Simple we were ignored unless something went wrong then the shit hit the fan.

No support of any kind, no positive reinforcement of any kind.

Both parents NEVER stated that they wanted nor loved any of us..that was for sissies???

It wasn’t until my late mother was in her 80th year that she reluctantly put “Love You” in letters or postcards.

I suspect it was her late mothers ( my Grandmother) upbringing in hard times and getting married very young ( a business arrangement?) so perhaps a child bride ( she just turned 17 yrs old).

In the 1920’s 30’s it was deemed that one would raise a sissy or spoiled child if given too much affection etc???

They wanted us to be independent and in time we all did!

So independent that we left our parents as soon as possible.

All sides of emotions were expressed, but I’m not sure I’d use the word balanced to describe it. There was definitely some dysfunction going on.

I’d say too much anger in the house growing up, and I do have my moments of being too quick to anger. The anger was never physically violent in any way, but it probably would rise to the level of verbally abusive at times. My sister and I used to wish they would get divorced.

My parents certainly showed their enjoyment of things though. We had plenty of fun, like swimming in the summer, sledding in the winter, even flying kites, singing songs, dancing, watching TV shows together, going to the park, all sorts of things.

When I was very little we had plenty of hugs and cuddles.

My parents never said I love you.

I’m not a parent, so I can’t answer that part of your Q, but as a spouse I do say I love you to my husband regularly, and I try to be calmer than my parents were to each other. When my husband and I were under a lot of stress for several years the anger level was really high. I became my father at times. I see my parents much calmer now that they are retired. I think life is made more stressful than it needs to be in America.

I’m so much more in the moment as I get older. I enjoy little things and seek fun. My parents do this same thing, I just didn’t recognize it as a child.

Also, my parents appreciate beautiful things. Scenery, music, the arts, things that affect the senses. My mom was quick to say when someone was beautiful, and it taught me to not be jealous, but rather appreciate beauty both physical beauty and internal beauty. I’m the same.

My parents showed disappointment when we behaved badly. I don’t think that necessarily such a bad thing. They aren’t much for punishment. We were rarely grounded nor did we have things taken away much. We were told why what we did was wrong and it had an edge of disappointment sometimes. Made me feel bad. Feeling bad means you have a conscience, you’re not a sociopath. Other feelings of did appointment my loaded on me was he made me feel badly that I wasn’t achieving as much as he thought I could or should and that did me some harm I think. My mom never did that.

Lastly, my parents were reliable and honest and even in the midst of dysfunction I felt safe. I think this point of integrity was big deal, and I have that with my husband. Hopefully, not too much dysfunction, but definitely reliability, trust, and honesty.

@JLeslie I’m always surprised at homes that don’t use I love you. There are a lot! I wonder why that is?

@KNOWITALL I think it’s just habit that gets passed down through the generations. When you are not used to saying it, it’s very hard to say. I purposely changed it with my husband. It took me a while to get used to it.

In fact, when I was first dating as a teen and young adult, when a man told me he loved me I was like “what?” In my head, because it always seemed way too quick and odd. Some people throw around that phrase easily.

As a young teenager I remember questioning whether my parents lived me because they never said it, and my dad would say, “of course we love you.” As an adult I understand they always did and do, but as a kid you want to hear it. As a wife I’d like to hear it more.

My parents and husband do things all the time that show their love for me though, and actions are more important than words in my opinion, but the words are nice too. Interestingly, my grandparents and other relatives never said I love you to me either, but I always felt loved by them. They were always happy to see me, and gave me lots of attention when I was with them, and complimented me, and told me stories about the family. It was nice.