How can I get my grandson to move out and get an apt? He has been here five months!

In my experience, many adult children stay until forced to leave. Since you’ve used the word crumble, I’d be interested to know what he says his reasons are. Perhaps some counseling while he’s there is worth researching?

Give him a deadline and stick to it. Say something like You have until September 1 to get another place to live. If you are still here, I will put all of your belongings outside and change all the locks. And then do it.

All of the reasons that would entice a young man to be on his own are pretty much absent these days. With quarantine/lockdown social distancing in effect, nobody can really be social. You don’t have to worry about the embarrassment of “taking a girl back to your grandma’s place” because people aren’t going out, and when they do, very few are hooking up with strangers.

That said, it sounds like your grandson is struggling with a lot of internal pain from having such a challenging childhood. Staying in a “safe” environment when he grew up in such unstable conditions may be reassuring psychologically, especially with all of the uncertainty in the world overall right now.

Sincere best wishes to you and your grandson.

First of all, don’t do his laundry, and don’t cook his dinner.

I started doing my own laundry when I was 16. He should be doing YOUR laundry @Aster !

And, he should be pulling his own weight to make life easier for you all around, the means doing the gardening, doing repairs, doing all the little things in lieu of rent.

And, why can’t he pay rent? He can get working and pay his way, even if only a little.

And hs should smile and be thankful; being nasty is not permitted.

Completely agree with @zenvelo. You are enabling him.

Talk to him about it, but don’t give him a deadline.
He’ll be working all his life.

Thanks guys. He is so stressed out – a nervous wreck – and has offers from friends to come live with them. But he’s afraid of the virus. And he does have it quite cush here.

So make it not cushy.

Tell him that “you need him” and that the best way that he can help you is helping with small chores ( at first) around the home.

He may be upset about ( breakup from girlfriend,loss of job, motivation anything, but he is not sharing that information with you, but maybe an other male he might ( father figure)?

Its too bad that is a Pandemic now as I would suggest him volunteering to help others to make him feel as he IS contributing plus learning that he has it better than some in this world.

An acquaintance of mine lost his job,place to live, and friends that he used to hang around with, felt old at age 52 years old, and depressed..after about two years of wandering around the world couch sitting, he volunteered in a hospital for children and worked on the cancer wards..there he learned that those kids where brave and rarely depressed since they valued everyday of life…it was a humbling experience for him and he shaped up.

He went back to school and got a job where he works in Hospitals, course now the Pandemic affects him but I have not heard from him for over 4 years now.

He’s a user. He’s taking advantage of you. Stop cooking his dinner and stop doing his laundry. He’s a grown man!

Sit down with him and give him some expectations. You expect him to get a job. You expect him to pay some rent. In addition, you expect him to help out. He can do yard work. He can take the garbage out. He can do small helpful things that you need done.

Him saying he is stressed out is a ploy to get you to back off. Don’t fall for it.

It’s your house. You can throw him out at any time.

That said, it sounds like you aren’t completely comfortable with that. It’s admirable that you want to help get him set up, and kids from difficult family situations don’t grow up in the same way happier ones might.

Would he agree to therapy or any type of counseling? If he’s scared of going places, there’s online options such as “Betterhelp”.

Once he’s built a trusting relationship with his counselor, it might be a good idea for you to join a session so you can set up expectations together. Meanwhile, maybe sit down together at a calm time and explain that you like having him around (stress that point!), but not the “nasty” behavior (give examples). Also, absolutely stop worrying about his laundry unless you love doing laundry. He’ll work it out. If you can use a smartphone, you can use a washing machine.

I taught each of my kids to do their own laundry on their 13th birthdays. I never looked back.

@Dutchess_lll Same, my mom taught me young and by the time I moved out at 17 yrs old, I was cooking, working and paying my own bills, laundry, etc….Then she got all sad because I didn’t ‘need’ her…haha!

Thanks guys. I honestly won’t allow anyone to do laundry. I don’t know why, really. It’s like I dont trust anyone with the controls. He is awful at trimming shrubs and we don’t have a lawn mower so we have a yard guy. And the guy edges; my GS cant edge. The only thing left, I suppose , it to make him pay rent which will erase half his Ebay earnings & I have no idea what the amount would be. He would resent me very much, too , because he knows I don’t need the money so what excuse would I give?

@Aster….just straight up tell him to “GET OUT.” You are under no obligation to give him a reason.

(Odd about the laundry tho. What could go wrong if he used the wrong controls besides mess his clothes up? Also not your problem.)

@Aster you are making a lot of excuses for him. Do you really want him out? You are giving him a free ride, so unless you start making things harder for him to live with you, he will never leave.

^^^^ What she said.

@Aster “He would resent me very much, too , because he knows I don’t need the money so what excuse would I give?”

Tell him it’s about developing important life skills (because it honestly is an important life skill). You can also let him know that he’ll get it back in your will.

When I moved back home after college, my parents charged me rent (and they didn’t need it). When I bought my first house, my mom had kept track of the rent money and returned it to me to help with the down payment. It was a really awesome surprise.

@Aster: ”erase half his Ebay earnings?”

Just pick an amount you think is reasonable and tell him you decided to have him start paying. What’s reasonable? $300 a month? That comes to 75 dollars a week. That, to me, is reasonable.

If you want him to move out, ask him to move out. Otherwise, it’s so comfortable for him there and you make a lot of excuses for him, as someone above pointed out. Maybe you really want him to stay and you like to have a reason to complain about him.