@rockfan “Is it transphobic for a straight man to be uncomfortable dating a transgender woman?”
This question is ambiguous. Do you mean “is it transphobic for a straight man to be uncomfortable dating a woman who happens to be trans” (i.e., he isn’t comfortable dating this particular woman who, perhaps unbeknownst to him, is trans), or do you mean “is it transphobic for a straight man to be uncomfortable dating a woman because she is trans” (i.e. the only thing that stands in the way of him being comfortable dating her is that she is trans)?
In the first case, the answer is “no.” It’s not transphobic because the fact of her being trans is not the source of the feeling of discomfort. In the second case, the answer is “yes.” It is transphobic because the fact of her being trans is the source of the feeling of discomfort.
“But wait,” one might say, “those aren’t the only two possibilities! What if he finds her unattractive not due to the mere fact that she’s trans but due to some other thing (facial structure, vocal range, genitals, etc.) that comes from her being trans?”
That, however, was not the question. Discomfort and lack of attraction are not the same thing. Lack of attraction is simply that: the person does not register to you as being attractive. Discomfort implies that you would otherwise date a person (that is, you are attracted to them), but some fact about them makes you uneasy, anxious, and/or embarrassed.
Furthermore, the factors cited (facial structure, vocal range, genitals) are not solely things that have to do with her being trans. There are plenty of cis women who have “masculine” facial structures and vocal ranges. And there are all sorts of genetic anomalies that affect genitalia that have nothing to do with whether or not one is trans.
The relationship between genotype and phenotype is not 100% determinative, so a person can have two X chromosomes and still end up with a penis. Similarly, a person with an X chromosome and a Y chromosome can end up with a vagina. Your genitals do not fully determine your status as cis, trans, male, or female.
“I asked this question on a subreddit about transgender issues and I immediately got labeled transphobic.”
And it seems that you might be.
BUT
There are degrees of transphobia, just as there are degrees of all kinds of bigotry. You aren’t comfortable dating a trans person, but you are presumably not someone who goes around assaulting and/or murdering trans people. Both are transphobic, but one is pretty clearly more transphobic than the other. The second kind should be met with strong condemnation and criminal charges. The first kind should be met with gentle explanations of what’s wrong with your attitude and some help untangling your conceptual framework. Unfortunately, we are not very good at navigating this kind of nuance.
“I asked this question after coming across an article by a transgender woman claiming that it’s impossible to be a transgender ally if you have a sexual preference against dating trans people.”
I haven’t read the article, so I can’t comment on it directly. If the claim was something like “you can’t be an ally if the mere fact of someone being trans prevents you from dating them even if you are otherwise completely attracted to them,” then I partially agree. I think you can still be an ally, but an ally with a bit of personal work still to do. If the claim was “you can’t be an ally if you’ve never been attracted to a person who happens to be trans,” then I disagree. It is possible, even if unlikely, to have never been attracted to person who happens to be trans merely as a matter of coincidence.
“I was also called transphobic for saying that a man dating a transgender woman is not straight, he is considered pansexual.”
This isn’t transphobic so much as it is straight up false. Trans women are women. If a straight man dates a woman, it doesn’t undermine his straightness. That said, your reasons for believing the false statement could be transphobic. So you might want to consider why you believe it.
“I was also accused of being transphobic for insinuating that a transgender woman isn’t a woman.”
Well, trans women are women. So yes, this would be transphobic.
“I later clarified that they are biologically male but transitioned into a woman”
But what exactly do you mean by “biologically male”? This concept is a lot more fraught than you might imagine. The only coherent way to talk about biological sex is in terms of allosomes, and once we do that we discover that biological sex is not binary. So it is not necessarily the case that every trans woman is “biologically male” according to whatever definition of “biologically male” we may settle on (assuming we don’t reject the term altogether).
“but I still acknowledge that they were born biologically male.”
In what context are you “acknowledging” this, and why is it so important for you to bring it up? It just seems like a weird thing to hold onto so tightly.