How do you react when you are sure (but can’t prove or confront) that you have been smack-talked behind your back?

I confront.

This happened with a co-worker/friend. After a week or so of her seemingly ignoring me I just flat asked her “you seem to be avoiding me. Did I do something to upset you?”
She was quick to say she was going through some stuff and it wasn’t me. Everything went back to normal after that.

If it were someone I really cared about, I would ask them if something had changed in their feelings towards me, if I had offended them or if they heard something about me from someone..

I appreciate the input, guys, but I was serious about the “can’t confront” part. There are some situations where questioning and/or confronting (even just asking gently) aren’t feasible, as it would put the askee in an untenable position.

I would be sad over the situation.

@canidmajor i see a difference between asking and confronting but if you feel there’s nothing you can do, then there’s nothing you can do but accept the loss. It’s taken me six years or more of trying to have a relationship with one of my sons and I’m finally just working on detaching. But it hurts.

@janbb, I meant “confront” in the most general way, meaning any direct communication on the topic
I am so sorry about your son, these family things are so difficult.

Well, in the words of our Dear Leader, “It is what it is.”

I’ve generally found it best to directly address the concern and not “beat-around-the-bush.” There are ways to approach the situation directly that aren’t confrontational. Without understanding why it’s not possible to confront the person, it’s hard to really give an account of how I would handle it.

That said, I don’t always live up to my own ideals and sometimes it’s easier to just ignore a problem than tackle it head-on. That usually just festers and becomes worse over time (at least in my experiences).

I would talk to supportive friends and family about my feelings. Or even a professional, if it’s very intense.

I also have some cognitive strategies to lessen the pain, such as the ABCDE method. It’s designed to separate all the negative self-talk from what you actually know about yourself and the situation.

I hope you feel better soon and I’m really sorry this is happening. It must hurt, especially if you care about those doing this. [hugs]

@canidmajor Is there someone close to the person you could gently ask? Or have you reviewed the last interactions to see if you can remember any controversy?

Stinks if you can’t ask, sorry.

My response would depend entirely on whether or not I wanted to try to mend the apparent rift and preserve the relationship.

But first I would examine our recent history very carefully to see if I had done or said anything that might have caused a problem. If so, I would apologize. I don’t generally apologize on speculation.

If I thought it was worth a try to save the relationship, I would continue to treat them as I always had, offering greetings, extending courtesies, and so on. If their attitude has really changed toward me, this will bring it out in bold relief. If not, it will reveal my mistaken interpretation without making me the offending party. When they seem ready to resume normal relations, we will. I may never ask or know what happened.

If I didn’t think it was worth salvaging, though, I would repay chill with chillier. Withdrawal, icy silence, bare civility. No questions asked, no hurt feelings exposed.

And I would never forget it.

Even twenty years later, though, I would accept an apology if offered.

Taking your question at its word, I’m not describing what I think should happen. I’m describing what does happen.

Postscript: I once had a very pleasant, likeable coworker named Brian, an optimistic leader type without being pushy or domineering. He stopped me in the hallway once, with no one else around, and asked me straight out if he had done anything to upset me, because I looked angry with him whenever he saw me.

Quite surprised, I said no, not at all. I explained that my long-ago-injured knee was giving me a lot of trouble and that every step I took was very painful. What Brian probably saw in my face was how much it hurt to walk and not anything to do with him.

And I did apologize. Not only had I been thoughtless toward him (and probably others as well) but I had disturbed workplace harmony.

That woke me up in two ways: first, how unconscious I had been of whatever I might be telegraphing to others (which of course would have been mitigated if I had told anyone about the pain—but I’d been brought up not to pester anyone with my complaints), and second, how simple and positive it was for him to ask me directly (and discreetly) if something was wrong—which I would probably never have done.

I tried to take two lessons from that. Only moderately successfully, but still.

And I did make sure to greet Brian in a friendly way every time I saw him after that.

I am so so sorry. I have a sister who lives 30 miles from me. She has not stepped foot in this house once since I bought it 21 years ago. I don’t know what I did. We used to be best friends.

@Dutchess_III, that’s sad. I’m sorry.

I become curious about what insight that they have on me.

If it was a person or situation where I could not confront the person directly, I might try to discuss with someone else who knows them, to try to figure out together what could possibly be the problem. If that didn’t work, or if that was not possible, then I would probably withdraw from dealing with them. If they’re talking shit about me, then I wouldn’t want to be their friends anyway.

@jca2 I guess I didn’t make it clear. I meant that people have have smack-talked to are behaving differently, the smack-talkers don’t get any concern here.

If it’s someone I overall feel good about and it seems to be one time and I believe they wouldn’t want to really hurt me, I act like nothing has changed and proceed like I’m not aware. If their behavior goes back to normal then I just move forward.

If they persist in being mean or cold and I can’t confront them I get myself to a place of indifference. When I was younger I would get very hurt or angry. There were two significant times in my life this happened to me and never again if I can help it. Both times when I finally didn’t give a damn anymore because they kept it up too long and seemed to enjoy the power and hate; once I didn’t care anymore it was like suddenly they started coming back to me for attention. TOO LATE. I’m talking months or years here, not a few days. I am not a grudge holder generally, but when someone drags out hate and passive aggressive behavior I have very little tolerance for it.

If I have done something to cause it I might attempt an apology depending on the person and the situation and my history with them.

I’d most likely talk to a friend who knows the players or the situation if it’s ongoing. A way to vent about it.

By the way, I think in most cases you are probably right and not paranoid. People know when there is a withdrawal of love or affection. At its worse it’s abusive.

You say you can’t confront, but can you give hints that you are aware of what’s happening? That is something I would feel compelled to do.

It has happened to me and I tend to brush it off. I really don’t care much other than to make a mental note of trust concerning those doing it.