Help... Need to resolve some drama queen issues between wife and grand daughter?

Why would your wife object? Must be a reason.

What is the big deal? Is the mom usually not in the girl’s life?

Wife all butt hurt because our grand daughter wanted to spend time.with her mom. Our son and his wife are separated but still on good terms. My wife seems to think that the Grand daughter doesn’t love us, but I call b.s. She spends almost all her time with us anyway, and we’ve basically raised her since she was an infant. So now grand ma is mad at me because I said she’s acting childish. And the Grand daughter is mad at me because when she called to ask me what she should do, I told her I was watching the Cowboys game. She said I care more about my “dumb football” than I do about her. Good grief we all live in the same town, her mom is maybe 15 minutes from our house. Not like she’s in China and we’ll never see her again. I’m too old for this drama queen crap. All I want out of life is a cold cold beer and a good NFL game on TV. What can I do, if anything?

Well mom is a bit self centered and lackadaisical. Last time the kids were with her they were tardy to school. But it is what it is. I’m just happy my son and her have worked out some immicacble arrangements on sharing the kids. I’ve seen much worse.

Tell your wife she is gma not mom, butt out. Nicely.

Tell gkid nothing is more important and help her to moms without guilt.

LMAO. Sorry to laugh, but typical girl drama I guess. I am sure some female jellies won’t like that comment from me. Your typical guy answer is what cracked me up.

I’d tell your wife, “you know how kids are, they go back and forth with which adult they want to spend time with. If you want we can plan something with her, but stop competing with her mother, it is her mother.” Something like that. Maybe add, “stop guilting the kid, it is completely unfair to her to guilt her about wanting her to be with her mom.”

The granddaughter I think you should have said, “Spend time with who you want, if you want to be with your mom you can come here a different day.”

@KNOWITALL I do that anyway. I tell her all the time she needs to spend some time with her mom and no need for a guilt trip. The spouse is the one that’s gets upset not me. I’m just the one that always gets the “what should I do paw paw” bit. Geesh

@JLeslie Good idea thanks. Ditto KNOWITALL. (Last time I had to deal with this was last year at school dance time. G D drove me nuts because four different boys had asked her to the dance and she couldn’t figure out which one to attend it with. So I told her go with the first kid who asked, then just don’t dance with any other boys. They said in the old days, dance with the one what brung ya. ) Hell I think being a grand pa is harder than being a dad.

You dismissed your grand-daughter when she asked for assistance.

You failed to console your wife.

Then you come here looking to assuage your guilt.

I didn’t dismiss her I was watching football. I can’t make her decisions for her. And my wife is acting childish and after 40 years of marriage I think I have the right to call a spade a spade.

LOL. I can hear my mom saying, ”@Nomore_lockout you’re impossible.”

My husband is sitting by me wondering what is making me laugh.

Hell I SHOULD have joined the Foreign Legion all those years ago. I’d either be dead or chilling in France in the Old Legionaires Home..swilling wine and not getting trashed. if only there had been a way to foresee the future lol.

“Why the big deal?”

Ask your wife, but with curiosity. Consider that she’s sane and her feelings make sense. “Hey, you’re really upset! [hug] What’s going on? Are you worried about [granddaughter]? Or just scared that she needs us less, now that she’s growing up?”

Find what’s making sense in her responses, and tell her when you agree. Ask questions. Don’t try to cheer her up, or fix the problem by trying to see the positives. Maybe watch this short video first.

Telling her she is childish must have hurt. It doesn’t actually matter whether her feelings are “rational”. She’ll feel them anyway, but it will be easier for her to cope in healthy ways when she can get support from you.

I have ridiculously overblown feelings occasionally, and so does my husband. Sometimes he gets so upset, and I really don’t see the big deal. Saying so is adding insult to injury, and it’s a little arrogant anyway. I mean, am I going to pretend I don’t get unnecessarily upset? Are you?

I try, instead, to just give him thirty minutes or so of unquestioning support. Almost always, he calms down as soon as I start doing that. Within minutes, he feels supported. Suddenly whatever happened is no longer a big deal, because at least someone understands.

@longgone Thanks I’ll give that a shot. But I still think it’s much ado over nothing.

You can think that! You’re probably right. Just don’t say it, especially not to your wife. It’s unhelpful and not realistic. What’s marriage about, if it’s not being on each other’s side even when you don’t really get it?

@longgone Agreed. But if I didn’t have one foot in the grave and the other on a banana peel, that Legion E’strangere is looking better every day.

Yeah, don’t say it. It’s dismissive. Just listen to your wife. Maybe she needs to vent about more than just your granddaughter. Maybe she has a few things on her mind. Next time ask if you can talk about it after the game. Say you want to give her your full attention, but would like to see the game first.

Well the Cowboys (my team 4 ever…my dad was raised in Texas, played QB at his tiny Texas school, I was born in Texas so of course I’m a Cowboy) the Cowboys lost in spite of the Hail Mary attempt at the last screaming second (the Hail Mary was first thrown by Dallas in 1975 and I saw it) but it failed this time. And God! They were playing the Steelers! Who could not have a lingering love affair with the Steelers if you were alive in the 70s. It was an emotionally charged game for me.
Does your wife suffer from a mental disorder?

@Dutchess_III No she’s just overly close to that first born grand daughter from our son. I love her to death too there is no reason I see to get her estanged from her mom. Ditto that Coyboys game. They did well considering who they played today!

Is this the same Mother who had a grown daughter get married recently???

You’d think that afer 40 years of marriage that you’d be smart enough to know to not call your wife ”childish” & not expect some repercussions!!!

Telling an 11 year old girl that your sports are more important than her problem was pretty insensitive!!! It wouldn’t have taken much longer to say ”Honey, you are intelligent enough to make that decision for yourself. Just let me know what you decide & I’ll support you.” That might have kept one female off your back!!! Now days an 11 year old is going through puberty much like a 13 year did when you were growing up. Her hormones are going to be all over the place for the next several years & it sounds like she depends on you to help support her decisions.She’s at the time in her life that being pushed away no matter how you meant it is going to be a BIG deal. IF you miss a play in “real time” & it’s really important, they will show it in reruns a thousand times after the fact. You only get one shot with your little drama princess…there’s NO instant replay with her!!!

No that was my daughter. This one is my daughter in law. And I’ve told my Grand D a thousand times over, if she wants to go to her mom’s for a weekend or after school it’s not a problem. I don’t know how much plainer I can make that. Maybe I need to try freaking Swahili? The other thing was more that my daughter doesn’t like her new son in law but I’m staying out of that one..Just didn’t want them to ruin the older grand daughters wedding day. Different issue though.

And for those of you who think I’m an ogre, how would you have felt as a mother, if one of your in-laws wouldn’t let you see your own child, or made issues out of it? Think about that one awhile. I am trying hard to AVOID something like that. How’s that make me the baddy, even if I didn’t handle it in the best way?

^^Just guessing here, but maybe your granddaughter wants you to talk to your wife to get your wife to tell your granddaughter it’s ok. :) I can really see this happening.

Or, maybe your granddaughter just needs to hear you say it’s ok more than once.

When you tell your granddaughter it’s ok, do you look at her in the eyes and tell her squarely and nicely that of course it’s fine? Or, do you say it while your eyes are on the television?

Do you have a DVR? You need to hit the pause for a minute.

She’s eleven. She’s probably sensitive to your wife’s feelings. Your wife probably does a crap job of hiding her feelings.

Bingo!! Re: crap job. Re: granddaughter I always hug her, tell her how special she is to me, and going with mom is no reason to feel guilty. I just don’t see what more I can do.

Do you think your granddaughter feels better once you reassure her? If not, maybe ask her what will make her feel better.

Does your wife actually think the kid doesn’t know how she feels? My MIL is the silent treatment queen. Passive aggressive to the hilt and they think they are fabulous for not saying anything directly to the person. Is that your wife?

No she’s more of the vocal type. What set all this off is that the child called her mom to pick her up from school on Thur. They had a teacher work day and thus Fri. Sat. and Sun. off. And I had to work all weekend and she’s really close to her Paw Paw (me). Maybe the wife thinks she cares more about me than about her. Hell I don’t know, all this crap is giving me a headache. I don’t what’s worse family or politics.

Stop it. Lol. This thread has been the best part of my night.

Happy to hear that. At least somebody is having a good day. @JLeslie

And the Cowboys lost after a great first half, to top it all off. Somebody just shoot me.

Right? ;[

Ever had one of those days, Dutchy?

My grandmother and I were very close, too close some thought. She was never jealous of my mom but the whole family was against visitation with my fathers family.
It really hurt me, destroyed and chance of a stable relationship with my sibs or bio dad.
Too many people loving you and wanting some time is a good problem. Seems to me gma and grandkid need to have a heart to heart, and leave you out of the middle.
Still not exactly sure why your wife doesnt want her with her bio mom though.

From my experience from an in-law who tried to usurp my relationship with my children :

She is long gone ( died in the 1980’s) and fought tooth and nail to “claim and act as if my children were hers”! She would sabotage me at every turn).

( she had only one child and could not carry any more pregnancies, so therefore her Grandchildren were her saving grace to garner “acceptance” from her own aged mother and sisters who had several children .)

It destroyed our family ( divorce and alienated my children as youths and adults).

She used bribery by means of money and gifts and attention of which she had more money to do so.

In the end it was due to her husband s who rarely took time with her as a wife and thus she transferred all of her devotion and need to consume the attention on my children.

In short….take your wife somewhere to regain the relationship of a loving couple , before she causes a ‘divorce” and alienation and confusion of the children’s loyalties.

In my case I had a “mommas boy” as a husband that was compliant to her mothers need to control and take over not only his life but our children’s as well through bribery and knocking me the mother of my children down for over 11 years.

Don’t let that happen to your Granddaughter nor the “mother” of the children too.

Your wife is trying to displace the mother due to lack of attention from a husband who is bent on leaving things as is just to get some peace?

Take your wife out as a loving couple does , when the kids are not with her to remind her that you are together. as a couple.

Good luck I hope that the situation does not escalate to what happened in my case.
My prayers go out to you and your family that you solve this peacefully.

She died in the 80s? Your kid wasn’t that old in the 80s.

Maybe I’m wrong, but it seems to me that you place yourself inside of all the drama and then forget to take your shovel in order to dig your way back out. Sorry your team lost

@Dutchess
Too personal and you do not have all the facts of my life nor should I divulge them to you either.

@Nomore_lockout I wasn’t trying to say that you were wrong. At the same time, you weren’t exactly rght!!! You keep saying how many times you’ve tried to support your grand daughter & don’t understand how many more times that you need to say it. Whether any of the adults in this situation see it or not, she’s feeling great stress & has the feeling of being torn between her Mom & Grandmom. I don’t care IF you’ve told her a million times that it’s OK, IF shei’s still asking & needs to hear it one more time, tell her one more time!!! Look at it from her POV, IF she spends time with Mom, Grandma gets hurt. On the other side IF she spends time with Grandma, Mom is going to be hurt. That’s a LOT for an 11 y/o because she does NOT want to hurt anyone & it hurts her when she does…she’s in a NO win situation!!! The ONLY person she’s not hurting is her Paw Paw & she’s unsure whether or not he’s hurting from her actions.

Maybe it’s time to sit Mom & Grandma down & have a frank talk with BOTH of them asking them to act like adults & not keep pulling that sweet child in different directions. Surely they can work it out between the 2 of them & give your little princess a break!!!

Good advice @LadyMarissa Think I will act on that.