Is attending a sentencing hearing worth it?

I don’t know how you’ll feel—probably mixed emotions if I had to guess. I haven’t endured the kinds of abuse this scumbag put you through, so hopefully you can get better advice from those who have been through something similar. I mainly wanted to post to wish you the very best no matter what you decide to do, and to remind you that we’re here to offer you support and advice should you want it. Sending you good vibes and positive thoughts.

Thank you so much @gorillapaws I appreciate that a lot.

If asked by prosecuting/sentencing attorney YES !

Otherwise ask for transcript.

Wasn’t asked. Just my choice.

Oh wow. I have no idea how I would feel. Can you imagine yourself a day afterwards and if you would regret not being there, or regret having been there? I don’t dare give you advice not having been through something like this. Just wanted you to know we are here for you.

I don’t get closure usually. Not in a specific moment like some people talk about. I don’t know, I still ruminate about things even when I think something is supposed to give me closure. My husband is better at it. Only you will know in the end if it is right for you. I guess if you are unsure you could go to the courthouse and then decide at the last minute whether to go into the courtroom. If you are not there you can’t change your mind. I think I wouldn’t go, but impossible for me to really know for sure.

This can’t quite be framed to apply my reversibility test (if you don’t do x now, can you do it later? if you do x, can you undo it?), but it can still be a useful yardstick: what if yes, what if no? What’s the worst outcome either way?

If you go, you can leave anytime. If you don’t go, maybe you will always wonder. Maybe not.

If what you see or hear upsets you, you can’t unsee or unhear it. If it doesn’t upset you, you will know something you don’t know now.

It’s a tough choice, and only you can make it. But either way, time will help.

If you decide to go, please don’t go alone. Have someone with you as a show of support.
I wish you the best no matter what you decide.

Personally, I would be worried about my reaction to seeing him. You’re still very vulnerable around this issue so I would try to avoid further trauma. I believe that hearing the sentence afterward will bring you relief. In my experience “closure’ is not a one-time or permanent happening, trauma experiences reverberate over time throughout your life and very gradually the effects will lessen. Don’t feel like you have to steel yourself and do this.

I have not had the experience you had so my advice is coming from other places. I would just add that you should follow your gut and if this seems you something “have to do” rather than “want to do” don’t do it. My experience of abuse was different but I think honoring and nurturing yourself is more important that pushing yourself for a goal that may be allusive for now.

Some years ago I was involved in a bad car accident after which I was sued. Any time over the five years until it was settled that something arose that was pertinent to the accident, I was traumatized. A court case was called and postponed a few times and it was eventually settled out of court. I was so relieved and didn’t need the be present for the final meeting. I know that is a little different but just pointing out that the events were triggering each time: I have also been abused and have had to work on that over many years.

Sending much warm caring your way whatever you decide. Certainly do take a supportive friend if you decide to go. And keep talking to us.

While I agree with @janbb to a great extent and respect her tremendously, my advice takes a different slant. I think too often in our society, we give away our power. This is an opportunity for you to be in a (physically) safe environment and see someone who presumably has caused great harm. Perhaps you can preserve some autonomy and regain some power by going. I agree that there may likely be mental health impacts, but those pop up now and then no matter what. I would suggest you make a plan for your mental health (soothing, meditation, therapy, social support, etc.) and consider going to (1) confront your fear and (2) regain some power and control.

Of course, I don’t know your circumstances or the extent to which this may impact your mental health. But as an abuse survivor, my abusers consumed my power and authority and I wish I had more circumstances in which I could have regained power and demonstrated my autonomy.

Please be gentle and patient with yourself. Whether you go or not, there are sure to be some trying times ahead.

@Cupcake Your points make sense but since the OP has already testified in court against this criminal and is suffering from a great deal of anxiety around the whole issue, I’m not sure that she needs to subject herself to more by attending the sentencing.

Obviously only she can decide what’s best for her and I would just encourage her to listen to her gut and not some external “should.”

@janbb @Cupcake @janbb @LuckyGuy @JLeslie @Tropical_Willie @gorillapaws
Thank you all for your responses. I will try and see if the advocate can come with me so I don’t go alone. Also, I was lucky enough to not have to testify. He plead guilty before the trial.

I am leaning towards going but I am worried that it will re-traumatize me to see him again. It’s really a situation that has positives and negatives no matter what choice I make. Either I go and risk being traumatized again but also maybe get some closure, or I don’t go and not have to worry about seeing him, but also maybe I would regret it.

I have time yet. I will decide soon

Do you think you want to be present but not see him? Not have the visual, but hear everything that happens? Get there early and have your eyes closed, or see if there is some sort of closed circuit TV or something that you can just listen. If the court has the ability maybe they will accommodate you.

Almost everything has been over zoom so I wonder if that will happen and he won’t physically be there. your comment actually reminded me of that. I will email the advocate and see because maybe I won’t need to see him at all.

Yes! Actually even if he is there in person maybe they still are set up for zoom, so maybe you can still watch or listen that way.

Worth asking if it feels more comfortable for you. The only possibly snafu is if there is a technical glitch.

Personally, I wouldn’t go. I’d get my closure from never seeing him again. I don’t know your entire situation but it sounds to me as though you may still be under his control and seeing him face to face one more time would do you more harm than good. I wouldn’t give him that opportunity. I’d feel that by not showing up that it would show him that I no longer cared enough to want to know what happened to him

Personally, I have never experienced closure from any big event. I think that may only happen in novels and movies. In real life, it’s a quiet and very peaceful feeling that comes and goes, until it finally stays with you more often than not. It’s strongly correlated with your well-being, so being kind to yourself is very important in this context.

“But I am scared to see him.”

I would be scared, too. I don’t know how good you are at listening to your feelings in general, but there is a great deal of wisdom in our emotions, especially when it comes to big decisions. Don’t try to “logic” your way through. In our society, there’s a lot of harmful messaging about how to handle trauma, a lot of emphasis on “working through” and “getting over” it. Like many of us, you might have soaked this up so completely that it’s hard to be patient with yourself. Especially if you’ve experienced abuse and if your family is not particularly sensitive to internal pain.

A long time ago, someone on Fluther gave me the excellent advice to just let decisions lie. Visit them once or twice a day, mindful of your feelings and any bodily sensations. Do you clench your jaw or hunch up your shoulders when you think of going? Does your heart beat faster? Revisit the question once in a while, and wait until your subconscious has an answer. Trust yourself. I think you already know what to do.

For what it’s worth, if you are scared now, chances are you’ll be scared at the sentencing. Presumably, quite a bit more scared. That doesn’t sound like an empowering experience. If you could go in five years, maybe. But at this time in your life, I just want to say that it is okay to not feel strong enough. This guy is not allowed to hurt you anymore. You get to decide here, and you don’t need to do anything that doesn’t feel good. That can be a very powerful change.

[Hugs]

@longgone Thank you so much. I do have family that tell me that this sentencing is my closure and it should help me get over it. I know the reality is that I will never truly “get over it” but I wish I could get closure. I do tense up and get nervous when I think about going. I will revisit that and see if it changes. Thank you so much

@SEKA I do agree that seeing him may mess things up more.

I do need to email that advocate yet and see how things will go if it’ll be in person/zoom. Maybe that will help.

I have decided not to attend.

It sounds stupid, but I have dreams of him sometimes. Not usually ones where he is assaulting me (thank God) but just random weird ones.

Last night I dreamt he was in prison and was getting surgery(??) but i was like forced to see him. I woke up wanting to cry and it just stressed me out.

Everytime I dream (or I call them nightmares because I always wake up emotional and upset) about him I just get sad and sometimes angry. I feel like if I have such a negative response to seeing him in a dream I won’t respond well seeing him in person.

He gets sentenced on Tuesday and I will share it here. Just to let it out because no one I know in real life is really aware.

I think its best I sit this out. Thanks all so much for the advice.

Doesn’t sound stupid at all. None of it. I hope you get some more peace after the sentencing. I think the surgery is him being helpless and his body being attacked. The surgery is you witnessing his sentencing in a way.

It was really scary because he was using a walker and moaning a lot like he was in pain. I was terrified he would kill me

Those dreams sound terrible, and I wish I could give you a hug right now. It’s pretty telling that you’re dreaming of being forced to see him.

I’m glad you were able to make a decision that does not involve further trauma. Good for you, taking care of yourself. There’s enough pressure on all of us. The least we can do is be kind to ourselves. I think this decision you made independently of your family is a good sign. You’re strong, and you’re going to be okay.

You know, there’s a lot of ways to soothe yourself before bed that might help in scary situations like this. You could try some lavender oil, tea with chamomile or valerian, hot milk with honey, or some calming meditation (I recommend Headspace – the app or the YouTube account). You can even leave a light on in your bedroom. When I was a young adult dealing with the death of a friend, I listened to kids’ audiobooks while falling asleep.

Thank you so much @longgone I have some lavender oil I can try. I do have a night light but I have been thinking of getting a better one that has patterns on the wall, like stars. So maybe I can count them before bed(counting helps me so much).

I have had a few dreams where I was forced to see him. In one even the police were trying to get me to talk to him and I just kept refusing. It was so weird. But what do you mean by “It’s telling” that I was forced to see him in my dream?

Ghost hug

@SergeantQueen I’m so glad that you were able to listen to your own self and decide what was best for you! We all handle trauma in our own way and the dreams were telling you something. You are growing up so beautifully!

My reoccurring nightmares are of being chased or confronted with someone trying to kill me. It’s horrible. If they don’t stop after a few weeks I sometimes seek out a therapist and it always helps. I don’t even want to describe them to you to give your brain more ideas.

I haven’t had those nightmares in a few years, but they do come and go. When I’m under stress and doing something I don’t want to do they sometimes stir up again. Another trigger is dealing with doctors, having to make medical decisions, because that is a big source of my own personal anxiety. It’s a feeling of a lack of safety I think.

Feel better. We all want you to feel better. It takes time. I don’t compare my situation to yours, just that I understand those horrible nightmares. When I wake up I try to immediately think of other things. I try to erase it.

It got rescheduled to January 7th

Fuck

Damn!

Before you go to bed every night say to yourself that he has no power over you.. It will probably take more than one night; but, eventually your brain will remember that he has no power and when you start to dream about him, the brain will shut down the dream or change the ending so you don’t wake up in a panic. It might not work the first time you try it, but just keep on doing it and eventually it can help

So this was an absolute fucking waste of my time.

3 years prison time (296 days credit) so basically 2 years.

5 years extended supervision

and 15 years registered sex offender

I met him almost 4 years ago so already this has affected me longer than he’ll be in jail for.

I never should have done this

Like what the fuck.

He raped me (but wasn’t charged for it), tried to force me to have sex for money, manipulated me, lied to me, made me feel suicidal as fuck, and made my life hell for the past 4 years.

This is bullshit

@SergeantQueen Sex offenders don’t have much fun in prison. Also registering as a sex offender and having to put that on job applications will certainly affect his future for a very long time. I agree that the sentence is much lighter than the charges merit, but this will follow him around for the rest of his life.

I’m sorry for what you’ve been through.

Thank you

I’m sorry this wasn’t the outcome you wanted. I’m so sorry this whole process has been so draining and damaging.

I know it’s not helpful to you, but this guy got much more punishment than most rapists. Mine got nothing. I was pregnant at 15 by him and still he harasses me or my (now grown) son. It’s been over 24 years. At least the statutory rape should have been a no-brainer. But this is the outcome the vast majority of the time.

Again, I know it doesn’t help the hurt you’re feeling and the system does need to be overhauled to not be so traumatic to survivors. But he was sent to prison, has to serve parole and is registered as a sex offender. That’s like a dream acknowledgement/punishment for many survivors.

My advice is to try to separate your experience with his punishment. You were violated and traumatized. He is being punished. The two will never be equal. Your only job now is to work on healing. You will be OK. You will be better than OK. Regardless of how he fares.

My other advice is very similar. Whatever a judge or jury has to say about this guy has nothing to do with you. It actually has nothing to do with what he did to you. The criminal justice and court system is set up to investigate his wrongdoing and ensure that his rights are not violated. The system is not set up for you. Whatever a judge or jury does or says… whatever does or does not happen in jail or during parole… whatever life this guy lives… it has nothing to do with you. Your success is not related to him or his downfall or punishment. Seek validation elsewhere. Seek worth elsewhere. Seek joy elsewhere. Seek emancipation elsewhere. You will not get it from him or from the court.

You are already worthy. You are already precious. You are already loved. You are already whole, as broken as you may feel. Don’t go on because of him. Don’t go on despite him. Just go on.

@Cupcake Thank you so much. I really can’t tell you how much your words has helped me. It is true that I am lucky, others don’t get legal justice. I do still wish he got more but I think I will be okay with what it is now. I am relieved this is over and I think this experience will help me with my career choice. It’ll be a long road to get myself fully normal and healed but I know I am strong and I can get there.

All of us here support you and admire you for the courage it took to see this through. I wish I knew magic words to make you feel better. It sounds like you are taking this horrible time in your life and going to turn it into helping others, which I think will be therapeutic if it has not been already. Even if you were not doing it as a career, if you change your mind, no matter what, you have helped others with what you have already done, and what you will do in the future. Hopefully, you feel more relief soon with this legal part over with.

@SergeantQueen It is a long road. And you may never feel fully healed. But those parts that hurt so much right now are the parts that will emanate compassion and empathy and be a haven and shelter for others who are injured and in pain in the future. Your pain and suffering can propel you forward.

For me, sometimes I think I’ve “healed” and other times I don’t. But the fact of the matter is that I have a great life. I’m loved. I fully experience the highs and lows of life. I have a partner who is my very best friend. I’m building a career where I can be of service to others, particularly women who have been abused. I see good in others. I still look for escape routes and get thrown back by smells, sounds and stories. But it gets quicker and quicker to return to my normal. I’ve come to be proud of my story and I’ve learned the power of sharing it with others. And my success is so much sweeter, knowing that I’ve had to fight so hard to regain my hopes and dreams over and over again. It’s been 24+ years, over half of my life. And in a few months, I’ll have my PhD and my pick of jobs. My kids will cheer and call me Dr. Mommy. My friends, family, colleagues and loved ones will all celebrate me and my success. So hang in there. The future is sweet.