What is the point of reporting things when the sentence is never enough?

I am so sorry you are going through this, and you have every right to feel let down. All I can say is know you are on the side of good and take your strength in that. You will prevail. Helping others and working inside the system can be your victory, whether you end up doing that through a Criminal Justice degree or in any other way.

You really aren’t seeing this for what it is. This man’s life is over. Consider the mere fact that when he gets out, he’s stuck in your county while you can go and do as you please. Who is going to give him a decent job? He’s a marked man til the end of his days. Law enforcement now has license to treat him like shit, and you can rest assured they will. He dare not be caught jaywalking or running a red light. There can be no sex crime in your county where he isn’t at the top of the list for being snatched off the street for questioning, lineups, etc. YOU don’t have to move anywhere. If you see him walking on the street, a snap from your cellphone will guarantee him a week of misery and another incriminating item in his file. Your life is a picnic compared to the hoops awaiting him.

I can imagine the sheer frustration you must be feeling.

It isn’t no damned picnic. He deserves all the hardships to come from this. I don’t. I don’t deserve to lose sleep, or to have a hard time trusting others, or to struggle with what happened to me. I will live with this for the rest of my life and I don’t deserve it. He does. He deserves worse. Fuck him.

I want to be normal again. Why can’t I be myself????

I’m sorry you are going through this. As @stanleybmanly said, his life is over. He is on the sex offender list. He will never be able to move without having all the neighbors notified. He cann;t live within xxx ft of a school or playground. (depends upon your state. Those restrictions rule out 95% (estimate) of normal housing. Under a bridge is probably ok.

His supervision will be a nightmare. The Parole officer will show up at all hours. He’ll be wearing an ankle bracelet that tracks his movement – and he will have to pay for it.
He will also be required to stay away from your home, work, school, where you shop, etc. If he enters the bubble the parole officer will be notified immediately and he can be sent back to prison. It will be next to impossible for him to get a job. His relatives will shun him. He won’t be allowed at any gatherings where children are present.
His life is over.

And… He will never be able to do it again! You did a great thing!

They get what the law allows. Sorry about that.
I think some people should get the death penalty for the stuff they do, but they get life instead. My taxes pay for that person’s continuance of life, and that sucks.

The law allowed for 25 years in prison And 15 years supervised so this was way less than what the law allows

But I obviously will have to come to terms with it.

I do want a transcript of whatever statement he gave though.

Bless your heart @SergeantQueen. It just fucking sucks that sexual assaults are just blown off. Because, you know, Boys will be Boys.

{{hugs}} I’m so sorry. You’re right, it’s so not fair!

@SergeantQueen I am so sorry to read that you personally went through something as devastating as a sexual attack. I am glad you have the guts to talk about it – I know that will help you heal faster.

Do you know why his sentence was reduced so much from the max?

By the way, was the question modded?

No, it wasn’t modded.

I have no clue. I haven’t gotten an email or a call from the advocate yet so I think there may be more she has to put together. I did see there was a letter from judge explaining the sentencing so maybe I’ll get a copy of that. I don’t know.

@SergeantQueen I recall a rape that occurred during the Ramirez days around Los Angeles. Ramirez was the “Night Stalker”. I just dug up a news story about the incident:
https://www.latimes.com/archives/la-xpm-1994-04-02-me-41200-story.html

I am blown away by the fact that it happened over 26 years ago!

Even though the story ends with the escape of the perpetrators, they were eventually caught and tried. My wife knew the family and attended the court proceedings. The judge threw the book at the perpetrators. Perhaps because they belonged to a minority group – I believe they were latinos.

Was the perpetrator in your case white?

Or perhaps because they committed multiple crimes @crazyguy.

I’m sorry the sentencing didn’t bring you peace. This is so hard, and it’s fucking unfair you have to deal with any of it. You’re right, you don’t deserve to suffer.

(I hope this next part doesn’t sound callous, and like I’m cheapening your pain. Feel free to tell me.)

I spent some time studying law in Germany. Our system is very different, but I’m wondering if it’s the same as yours in that every crime is “graded” on a sliding scale. Rape is rape. However, there are more and less traumatic and insidious versions of this crime. There’s two adults being lax about consent, and there’s the head of a criminal group keeping underage victims in a basement for business purposes (and several years). Obviously, these two crimes should not be punished with the same intensity. That would not be fair.

Could that be what’s going on? Is the maximum penalty (in your area) actually meant for a more extreme version of the crime?

As to why people go through this process, knowing that the system is far from perfect…I think most do so for the very good reason of protecting others. Even if this guy gets out eventually, and continues to hurt people – he will have had fewer opportunities to do so, and there’ll be tougher consequences if he’s caught with a prior record. As you know how much of an impact this horrible experience had on you, you should also know how valuable it is to save whatever woman would have been next on his list. You did that. You don’t know her, but you saved her. Thank you.

I understand your anger, and I’d encourage you to try and work through all these difficult feelings. Imagining the pain you want him to feel is poison to your mind, so notice these thoughts and keep your distance. They’re natural, but you don’t want to be hurt more. You want to heal. And you can. You can be yourself again, and I know you will be.

You said “_ I will live with this for the rest of my life.”. You know, he will, too. If he is unmoved by your pain, he will never experience true connection. He’ll be too hard and cold to be trusted by anyone. And if he _does ever realize what he’s done, it’ll crush him. That’s his journey, and you don’t need to care. But don’t think it’ll be easy, because that’s already impossible. He had just one chance at a good life, and he didn’t take it. You still can.

I forgot he took a plea deal, that is probably why.

His friend messaged me on Facebook, sent me a letter that he wrote which as all lies.

I made a public post on facebook tagging him and sharing my side. I uploaded a bunch of screenshots that prove MY SIDE.

I don’t care if I shouldn’t have done that. I won’t be quiet anymore and I am pissed the fuck off that he gets to spread his lies. So I will say the truth. and I will say it over and over again because I am not scared anymore. I won’t leave my county and I won’t be silent about this ever again.

Thank you @ all so much. I really appreciate all your responses. You have all helped me.

He also REFUSED to take any responsibility, claimed the guards beat him(?????) and tried to make it seen like he was being punished because he is black(again ?????)

He’s black as well? Strike 3!! I would tell you that you are needlessly punishing yourself, but there’s no chance that you are in any mood to hear it, and it is certainly something you have heard before. But here’s the deal. You’re barely in your 20s with your whole life ahead of you and wondering why you’re so miserable? You can blame this guy if you want, but things are unlikely to improve if you are to face the coming years while displaying a huge “toxic” sign.

What are you talking about? Strike 3 of what? What toxic sign? How am I punishing myself?

@Dutchess_III Rape is one of the hardest crimes to prove, because the rapist can always claim that she said yes. Yes, even somebody who broke and entered can plead guilty to the B&E and yet plead not guilty to the rape.

That said, it makes sense that a prosecutor would gladly accept a plea, even though the perpetrator will get off with a lighter sentence.

So what is a woman (or cute guy) to do? I think a woman should make an audio of every sexual encounter she has. If no audio exists, that would be a clear piece of evidence that she was not allowed to get her phone.

@crazyguy no audio recordings? I get where you are coming from….but no that isn’t right.

It is hard to prove. I waited a year so nothing happened.

@SergeantQueen I am just trying to find a way to prove that a woman did say “NO” clearly and firmly. During my randy days there were many times I was able to turn a woman’s flimsy “no” into a somewhat reluctant “yes”. Was it rape? In the modern world many a woman would say “YES, it was!” However, if a woman is making an audiotape, she can clearly say “NO. STOP!” And if there is any evidence of sex after that, the judge and jury would have to believe the woman. The only reason I brought up the possibility of no audio recordings is to cover the possibility that a woman gets surprised and has no chance to activate the recordings.

Since submitting my post, I have become aware of some apps that are audio-activated. So, in theory, the phone could be nearby with the app running, but it activates only when there is something to record.

Statutory rape is easy to prove. The DA just needs birth certificates. In NY the age of consent is 17. If the victim is 16 and the accused is 20 that is enough for a Class E Felony. It does not matter if the victim was willing or even initiated.

”During my randy days there were many times I was able to turn a woman’s flimsy “no” into a somewhat reluctant “yes””

….dude….

@SergeantQueen….right?

@ crazyguy… I’m trying to figure out why you would pressure a woman who does NOT want have sex with you, into having sex with you anyway? If they do give in It’s just to shut you up, not because they’re interested in you.
Seems like a hollow “victory” to me.

Also you think you read the “nos” as “flimsy.” Men are notorious at misreading women’s intentions especially when it comes to sex.

@Dutchess_III I agree 100%. That is why a woman has to make her intentions crystal clear. There were many times during my ready days when I did not indulge my raging hormones.

Yes, but if you read them as flimsy then you should have fucked off

@SergeantQueen I have no idea where the hate is coming from. I have been as honest as possible. You will not find such honesty in most men.

Dude, there were times I made myself crystal clear and be blown off.
No matter what I said I would be faced with disbelief: “Oh bullshit! You want me as much as I want you and you know it!” Why would any man think that way?

I am sorry. I am not trying to hate on you. Your comment was rude and very disgusting and I reacted rudely back. Sorry, I should have just ignored it.

You were not rude @SergeantQueen. Not. At All. You were spot on . Grossness

Do you think he (my ex) is going to have to stay here when he is out? I will call the advocate tomorrow. I wish I was notified of the plea deal. I wanted to know what it was before it happened. It was a shock to be honest

Here as in, my county…

If this is in New York State he will be monitored and will have to stay inside the county with some minor exceptions. .If he does get a job outside the county he will only be allowed to leave to go to work and back along a defined route.
If there is some important reason to leave the county he will be required to get permission from his probation officer beforehand.
Any deviation from the path can put him back in prison. And he definitely will not want that to happen.
He will also need to stay 500 ft or 1000 ft away from places you frequent: your home, work, go shopping, etc.. Those areas and the 1000 ft zone will be programmed into his ankle bracelet and monitoring station. If he passes through that will be reported. Note, occasionally there will be no possibility for him to move at all because roads are so spread out he has no choice but do drive on a piece of road within the bubble. In that case they will also monitor his speed, like:“He was traveling 40 mph when he passed within 1000 ft of the grocery store where you shop.” That will be allowed.
If he communicated with you through a computer or phone that too will be monitored. He had better not try to contact or even search for you that will be a violation. It is likely he will not even be permitted own a smartphone for a few months – making it even more impossible to get a job.
His life is over.

I forgot one other thing. Now that he is on the SO list all his neighbors will know and any time he is in public he will be looking over his shoulder in fear of being called out.

Sarge now has the upper hand and can use that power to heal and move on. Good for her!

@Dutchess_III Now I feel it. The hate is coming from you. Anybody who does what you allege, belongs in jail. BUT of course you never pursued any charges, did you?

@crazyguy press charges for what? Guys pressuring me to have sex?

I think, if you all were in my shoes, you would agree what he got isn’t enough.

I almost didn’t graduate highschool because of how depressed and miserable this asshole made my life. He constantly gaslighted me and made me feel insane to the point where I practically begged to go to a mental hospital.

Not to mention the disgusting things he wanted me to do. He made me feel less than a human being. Was obsessed with sex and yknow I am not the only woman he had raped??? 2–3 other women at least. I spoke to 2 of them, and one said he assaulted her friend as well.

He took so much away from me. So. Much. No, what he got was not enough by any means. AND HE HURT OTHER WOMEN TOO.

I am just glad his most recent gf won’t talk to him. My God did she dodge a bullet

I have no words. I agree that men don’t get effectively punished for sex crimes.
If those other women would come forward I bet he’d get more time.

@Dutchess_III I was just pointing out your admonition to other women to come forward, when you have stated yourself that you have had force exerted on you personally. Have you ever reported it?

I was never raped. Those other women were. I didn’t admonish them to step forward. I was talking to Sarg. Queenie. I just said if they DID step forward the law might take yhe dude more seriously. But for all I know they have come forward.
Whether a woman reports it or not is her choice.

Today I might be able to report the physical sexual harassment I went through, but I’d have been laughed out of the almost all male police station back then.

@SergeantQueen I give up on my responses to @Dutchess_III – they all keep getting modded off!

Believe me, I feel your pain. Sometimes I do think about the women who were reluctant to have sex with me, but they did. I think they believed for reasons of their own (I honestly never promised or even said anything that could be misinterpreted) that the sex may lead to something else. One in particular held out for months. She was an Irish Catholic, and had strong faith. I went off to graduate school in the US. I returned for a short while to the UK and called her. Not only did she come out to see me but was perfectly willing to have sex with me. To this day, I do not know why she changed her mind.

I feel strongly that any woman who feels forced to have sex should report the incident as soon as possible after the incident. Not like Christine Ford or Tara Reade.

[Mod says] Moved to Social on request. Most responses have been restored.

@Dutchess_III The distinction between ‘rape’ and “Dude, there were times I made myself crystal clear and be blown off.” Perhaps you can explain it to me.

As far as sentencing goes, the Judge takes into consideration the prior convictions of the defendant and a bunch of other things. It may not seem like it was enough, and it may never be enough, but as @LuckyGuy points out, being labeled a sex offender is something that, even though the person is not in prison, he’s living in a sort of prison with the rules he has to live by.

@jca2 Rape is extreme violence. I would think the act itself should have sentencing guidelines. Then other sentences can get tacked on. However, if a man penetrates a woman forcibly, that alone should carry a sentence of at least 5–10 years.

He wasn’t charged with rape.

It was trafficking of a child.

Chicago never pursued my report.

@crazyguy, ok. Once at a bar a guy backed me into a corner and started to grope me. I shoved him away and yelled “get your hands off me!!”
He advanced again, angrily this time, and grabbed me again, saying “You like it! You know you do!”
Bouncers threw him out.
That’s just one example. Want more?

@crazyguy: @SergeantQueen made my point for me. It depends on the charges, so even though the person committed rape, if he wasn’t charged with rape, it seems the sentence is light, whereas the sentence depends on the charges and what he was found guilty of.

Nevertheless, what would you suppose are the prospects for a black man with a prison record and label of sexual predator? I have the impression that the sarge is too young to understand the significance of it all.

She’s feeling betrayed, and not only by the legal system.

“I feel strongly that any woman who feels forced to have sex should report the incident as soon as possible after the incident. Not like Christine Ford or Tara Reade.”
@crazyguy… would you report it if you were raped? Would you be prepared to face the possible humiliation of authorities suggesting it was your fault in some way?

Crazyguy is a man I think so he would for sure get rediculed. Men don’t have it easy either.

I fully understand the significance. If people look down on him because he is a felon and an SO and also black then cool. I have no sympathy. I don’t support racism I just don’t give a fuck about him. He deserves it all.

Yes. I do still feel betrayed. I am allowed to. He hurt me badly and took a lot away from me. I don’t want him to have any second chance at a good life, even if it is a hard chance because of his status. Does that make better sense? I know his life will be miserable. I just want it to be miserable in prison.

Glad I could clear that up

Love you @SergeantQueen. Motherfucker deserves to pay.

@SergeantQueen I am indeed a man. However, I fully feel your pain.

I tell my wife all the time: “Men are dogs. Be careful around them.” Now I do not mean that all men are dogs all the time. But, generally, if a man is convinced he will get away with a little tomfoolery, he probably will do it. Whereas, most good women won’t.

@Dutchess_III I am sorry if you took my comment as any kind of judgment on you. I realize our society is still not perfect and maybe it will never be. But, I do believe, it is becoming easier for a woman to come out. In fact, we know that many women accuse famous people in the interest of some attention and/or money. More now, since there is less stigma attached to the woman.

Ten, twenty years ago, perhaps I would be more understanding of a woman’s decision to stay silent. Even though, she knows that, by choosing the path of least resistance, she is probably inviting more abuse…

@Dutchess_III I am certain that the example you cited has happened to most pretty girls at one time or the other. Good for you that you made a scene and had the guy thrown out. I wonder how many women would take the abuse silently?

That was just one of the many times I made myself “crystal clear,” only to be blown off.

I don’t call rape “Tom foolery.” God you have been so insensitive here.

@Dutchess_III Did I ever call rape tomfoolery? Either you do not understand context or you deliberately choose to ignore it!

I think crazy guy meant tomfoolery as in cat calling or something people consider “minor” harrasment (I don’t think any kind is minor but some view certain kinds of harrasment worse than others). I don’t think he meant rape.

@SergeantQueen Thanks for clarifying. I certainly did not mean rape; what I meant was extra-curricular activity or perhaps a quick roll in the hay.

You just need to keep the subject of this thread in mind when you comment.
I also doubt you needed to “explain” to your wife to watch out for men. I’m sure she’s known to do that since she was 13.
Have you ever asked her what kinds of sexual harassment or assault she’s suffered? Ask her.