What have you learned in dealing with the aftermath of an unexpected death or departure?
Asked by
Jeruba (
56061
)
January 28th, 2021
If you were the one left to figure everything out, find records, manage accounts, and all that, what did you learn?
What would you say to the next survivor—or the next to depart?
Here are some things I would say to the departing:
1. If you have everything on your computer, leave an access path somewhere, even if it has to be with a trusted third party that your survivor knows about.
2. If you receive all the major bills electronically, no one else will know when they’re due and what the account status is. Paper bills can be opened, and they contain contact information.
3. Provide for immediate access to funds that will cover current needs and special expenses while all those accounts get sorted out.
If these things are well done, it will help your loved ones when they need it.
What would you add to the list?
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27 Answers
To the survivor: get at least twice as many death certificates as you think you will need.
We had quite a set of problems when my Dad passed because we didn’t have enough. The red tape was daunting.
That if you had POA while the person was alive that once the person dies the POA ends. Bank accounts will be frozen. You have no power unless you were named in the will or if your name was also on the accounts or named as a beneficiary.
That everyone should put beneficiaries on all accounts because that is outside of the will and transfer to the person inheriting is relatively easy. Beneficiaries on retirement accounts, savings, everything. Whether you have a will or not do this.
That most places will return your original death certificate if you ask. From what I understand they are supposed to, but not all companies follow it. Order a few to be sure. My aunt’s bank for instant just made a copy of the original and handed me back my original. Another company would not return it to me.
Make sure someone has a list of all your bank accounts, insurance policies, and investments.
If married put bills in both names so it won’t be very important to notify them of the death.
Someone you trust should have your passwords so they can access accounts. If you have no one you trust then a list of everything with phone numbers.
A list of anything automatically paid every month on credit cards or bank accounts because those will be frozen almost immediately and debtors will not get paid.
Write out who you want meaningful items to go to if you care about that or if you worry about loved ones fighting over the pieces. Jewelry, silverware, and anything sentimental.
When Covid started up and continued to look dire, I made a document I called, “In Case of…” and sent it to my sons and one of my nephews. It told them where my will was, how to find my bank records and how I pay bills, what my burial wishes might be (not overly detailed), where to find my insurance policies and house deeds and where the bills are paid online. I mentioned which social media accounts I would want notified and gave the names and phone numbers of two friends, my internist, my financial planner and my accountant.
I also told them where to find my birth certificate, marriage and divorce documents and social security card. Also where my advanced care directive and health care proxy docs are.
I didn’t want to write down where my passwords were so I told them I would tell them by phone.
I don’t know that I thought of everything but I think I covered a lot.
(1) Some say you should wait about a year after such an event before making any major decisions or life changes. I agree. What’s tricky is when you’ve already decided but have not yet executed your planned change, and suddenly you are put in this position. I decided to go through with my plan while settling the estate. I now think I should have waited.
(2) If you are the executor, and one of the heirs is an adult but not really mature enough to manage a sudden windfall, or lacks the right kind of intelligence, or is mixed up with the wrong kind of people who will take advantage of them, go ahead and keep control of their inheritance until they are better prepared for it, provided that there is a way for you to do so without causing trouble for yourself or them, and your relationship is close enough that you are willing to take on that responsibility.
(3) It possible to designate beneficiaries on things like insurance policies, investment accounts, and banks accounts, etc., in such a way that the beneficiary will get the funds immediately, or very quickly, without having to go through probate.
Of course, much will depend on the specifics of your situation.
4. In the middle of all of this, don’t forget self-care. The last thing you want is to be so overwhelmed by grief that you’re too exhausted to handle all the things in your way. Reach out to people who care for you, even if that’s the last thing you want to do. If they truly care for you, they will not see you as a burden. In fact, they would be glad to be of help. They can walk you through your grieving process, which will be extremely beneficial for you right now and in the long run.
Those are great items. I will add one thing that surprised me.
There are many times during the day when I wish I could mention or discuss something with my recently deceased mother in law. I find myself saying “she would have liked this.” at least a couple of times a day.
A list of all the user names and passwords to all the stock market accounts, credit card accounts and health care accounts.
A list of all properties own and particularly owned.
Location of will and other sensitive documents.
Combinations to safe(s).
This probably does not apply to you but…
A list of all the firearms and the purchase/transfer documentation or the story behind them.
“This one came from my grandfather in 1927.”
“Cousin Jack gave these to me in 1933. They are from the 1800s.”
We have a 3 ring notebook for all that info.
Add this, for the partner and expected survivor:
17. If they’re sick and not their fully able selves, don’t assume they’re paying bills. Don’t assume they’re on top of anything.
18. Maybe you even need to seek advice or third-party support in kindly persuading them to let you know where things stand while they can.
Having everything in joint accounts is far from enough.
19. You HAVE to deal with everything. But prioritize. Triage. Pay the gas & electric before you worry about the Netflix account.
I recently switched more of my bills to automatic payment and I like it. I pay my mortgage, lawn care, cable TV, utilities, car payment, car and house insurance, and maintenance fee, without having to open a bill. Some are paid through my checking account and some on a credit card. It’s easier to keep track of on my checking account, so I might switch everything to that. I don’t pay any extra fees. Just need to keep enough money in the checking account if you do it directly from checking.
My husband feels a loss of control doing it autopay but after wanting to do it for two years now I finally made an executive decision and did it.
My husband has everything on his computer, and a USB memory stick with all the information in my folder. I will have to pay our financial advisor to do the work if hubs can’t.
And so, @JLeslie, if it falls to your husband to sort things out after you, isn’t he going to have to jump through hoops? He’ll need to (a) find out what all those automatic payments are (because the codes on the transaction record may not be obvious at all) and (b) get his own authorization to continue payments or halt them when you are unable to manage them.
If there’s any problem with replenishing the funds in your checking account right away or authorizing a credit card bill payment, it’s going to be an obstacle for him.
Right now, for me, all the paper bills are a blessing because I can see exactly what I have to do.
That’s why this question is asking “what have you learned about dealing with the aftermath?” and not “what arrangements have you made?” I’ve been getting a lot of surprises.
@Jeruba The checking account is in both of our names so I think there won’t be a disruption if I passed away. We still receive paper bills for some of the bills, like the mortgage, but others we just receive an email.
If my husband logs into the checking account he can see everything that gets paid regularly. The payments I set up on the credit card he can also see the items on the statements, but to your point I think the credit card I use is only in my name, so I should do something about that.
If you’re struggling knowing when and what bills are coming due, I’d just suggest looking back at the checking account the past two months.
My husband and I both know where the password sheet is and most importantly he can get into my phone and email so if he needed to reset a password he could, so theoretically he can get into all of the accounts.
If we both died simultaneously, someone coming into the situation, like my sister, it would be a trying situation. She is the beneficiary on our checking account so I think it would be ok, but I’m not sure. That’s something I might inquire about. The bills I pay with a credit card would be a problem in that situation. I might make sure my mortgage, maintenance fee, and utilities are all my on checking account. My neighbor has my key, but he’s out of town a lot, I might give one to another friend here. I think my mom has one at her house. I’ve been thinking about putting a combination lock on my door so friends and family don’t have to keep track of a key to get into my house.
We have a lockbox that maybe I should put my sister’s name on now that I think about it.
This Q is a good exercise. Thanks for asking.
@JLeslie, I never knew you could put beneficiaries on a checking account, or if I knew it, I forgot.
There’s a lot of good advice for me here. Thanks, all.
If you have any more lessons learned, please keep sharing.
@Jeruba Some financial institutions you can add and change beneficiary right online. Others you have to fill out paperwork.
Make a running list or put sticky notes on items or furniture you want relatives and friends to have. For example: if each great grandchild is supposed to have a Hummel, write down which one you want them to have.
My MIL kept a list on the inside of a kitchen cupboard door. It worked very well when the time came.
@Jeruba’s husband passed away about 3 weeks ago.
@nikipedia! So good to see you here. You’re one of the long-termers that I’ve really missed.
I’ve been turning to Fluther for help in dealing with so many unexpected complications, and I have found great, caring, warm support among more people than I expected who feel like true friends. If that’s an illusion, I’ll take it for now; but, skeptic though I am, I think it’s not. Too much has come from the heart for that to be so.
@Jeruba it is a balm to read your words again. I am so sorry about your husband. <3
Thank you, @nikipedia. Your return is a special gift, even though I know it wasn’t my loss that brought you back.
I’m so grateful for the continuing presence of friends old and new, and it means a lot to be missing even one a little less.
If you use fingerprint opening on your cell phone be aware that function will likely not work if you are taking many meds and are near the end. Give your password to someone so they can answer the phone or make calls for you . Give them the password now, BEFORE it is needed. You will not remember it when the time draws near.
I have nothing to add to the question, but wanted you to know I was thinking about you today. Hugs.
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