How to deal with misogyny at home (Father in law) is whom I am talking about?

Why were you there?

What country are you from?

I am from Asia, and we all live together. Inlaws and us.

The only way you’re going to get out of this is to move out. I’m not Asian, but I have read of these practices in Asia. In fact, it’s not unusual.

This is from Japanese culture, but I’m guessing it’s pretty typical:

The eldest daughter in law of the head of the family comes next in the line of succession in a typical Japanese family. She looks after the administration of the household tasks and may have little say, especially if her mother in law is still alive and healthy. In case the mother in law is not healthy, her main responsibilities may fall on the daughter in law.
https://www.hierarchystructure.com/japanese-family-hierarchy/

Are you from India? Or is your family Islam?

@snowberry Move out may not be an option if she lives in Asia, especially if she is from India or some Islamic country. There is a lot of pressure on maintaining family tie and it could potentially bring shame to the family and pressure to the children, like the mother somehow doesn’t fulfill her duty as a member of the family.

The way she says her family all lives together makes me suspect that she lives in a culture that put strong emphasis on family tie and women’s role. I’m glad my country is much more open about family moving out, but it still doesn’t make things easier. Even when you move out, you still have to fulfill your duty at obligatory family gathering, and you are still occasionally subjected to family gossip one reason I dislike my cousins and aunts of my father’s side of the family. I can only imagine what it’s like to live in a more strict culture.

@Mimishu1995 I know, but she can’t move out, she’ll just have to figure out how to live with his folks.

I’m curious as to what your husband’s position is on this. I would think he could be your most loyal ally.

Yes, thanks @janbb I forgot to mention this. My house, my rules applies here, as it does in most cultures, but here it’s with an Asian twist.

If you’re going to get any relief from your mother-in-law’s demands, it’s most likely going to be through your husband.

My guess is that this is what your mother-in-law faced when she was a new bride, and now she thinks it’s her turn to be bossing someone else for a while. It was probably also an unspoken agreement when you married your husband (maybe you weren’t told how this would be).

What happens if you just dont do it?

@snowberry This was father-in-law she said, not that that makes much difference.

@janbb I know, and I doubt it makes any difference.

Yes, I am from India. And It is really difficult to get out of the house or you can say move out. It’s all because of my husband I am still living here.

I am married for 9 years now and from that I have live only 2 years with my in laws and it has become a little too much for me to hear remarks like these and not to take action against it.

I am myself is a strong headed person and I have never taken things lightly but then I was stuck in ugly arguments and all. Since then I stopped responding to such comments but somehow it gets stuck in my subconscious mind. And I feel guilty that I don’t say anything when they were talking negative about some relatives.

@letmelivemylife I still think if you’re going to make any headway at all, your husband will need to side with you. It’s his family, his folks.

I live in the US and in some ways my family dynamics are similar to yours. When my inlaws were alive and I disagreed with them on something important, it really helped when my husband sided with me instead of them. If they didn’t, I felt a bit like you do now (disrespected, etc).

If I were you, I’d tell my husband, “Since I’m essentially working two full time jobs, I’m going to have to cut down on one of them to survive.” Ask him which one he prefers, that you go to part time on bringing in money, or part time “helping” around the house. If you say this, be prepared for some disagreement. You’re not a slave, but you’re being treated as if you were.

Please keep us posted on how things go.

Why did you have to move in with them if you were living apart for 7 years? Is moving out again an option?

@janbb My husband works in oil and gas company, he has to travel across the globe by which we were travelling and living in different countries and due to that we are not closed minded which I feel I was 8 years back.

And now I have a small daughter for whom we came back as we wanted to give her better upbringing and helping hands as I am a full-time Sr. Executive at a finance company.

But little did I know it’s going to give me mental stress and drain me psychologically.

@snowberry : I know I have given that option to my husband but he is also stuck in choosing.

As they are his parents who are ageing and he doesn’t want to leave them as he is their only son.

@letmelivemylife I can understand how hard this must be for you especially after experiencing the other. Is there any possibility of moving your family out but nearby to his folks?

@letmelivemylife I assume your husband loves you. Since he does, he should be willing to find a way to make your life livable.

Here are some options: Between your combined incomes, you should be able to afford to hire a maid to do the menial work. Another option is that your husband pick up some of the household chores (making food or bringing food home from a restaurant, folding laundry, cleaning, etc.)

Bottom line- you teach people (including your husband) how to treat you. Until you get what you need, you’re going to need to be very careful about your attitude, but don’t stop until you get your needs meet. You’ll get farther by inspiring them rather than letting them know how upset you are.

@snowberry Thank you so much for providing me with so many options to deal with this situation, I have tried and tested your methods in the past and it does help there is no denial on that but again it comes back to square one after 6 months or so. The last time when I had to deal with this kind of situation was because of my mother in law and that was in August 2020.

I have pretty much adjusted to the situation thinking our living place might change in a couple of months and I will be at peace.

After talking to you guys, I feel way better. Whenever I deal with such a situation I get anxious, and I am not able to keep my mind straight. A similar thing happened yesterday but I kept my mind sane and removed myself from the place. My husband took the charge and got things cleared with his folks, that not all fault is my wife’s fault. I felt way better than ever before.

@janbb Due to this Corona Pandemic, I am stuck here in India. My own parents ask me when am I moving out of the country? Because moving to another city or state is not going to make my situation better. We are waiting for this pandemic to slow down and then I can look for better opportunities.

@letmelivemylife Living from one date to the next hoping for intolerable things to change, and yet it never does will wear you down after many such scenarios. As the saying goes, “Hope deferred makes the heart sick, but a longing fulfilled is a tree of life.”

I suggest that you tell your husband that you need a firm timeline, and stick to it. “By such and such date I need ______.” Be consistent and insistent. Put up a calendar so it’s a visual reminder of what’s coming. If he doesn’t cooperate, you’ll need to have a plan B. What would that be? You will need to be prepared to follow through.

Edit:
I just read your response to the poster above me. So it seems your situation cannot be changed much until the virus is brought under control. Good job on removing yourself from the situation. Your husband needs to understand he’ll be running interference between you and his parents more and more often. If his folks want to you to do stuff, they’re going to have to learn to get along with you, or you’ll just disappear until your husband shows up to smooth things over.

@snowberry On her recent question she says she and her husband are moving back to the States with in the next six months so I would mainly suggest patience at this point.

Thanks, @snowberry @janbb Yes, We recently got news about the consulate being opened for PAs. Hopefully, we get through this thing calmly and peacefully.