Would someone please tell us some jokes?

Why don’t we use a broken pencils?
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Because it’s pointless.

Why are mountains preeping toms?
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Because they peek.

What do you get when you cross the Queen and Prince Philip?

Killed in a tunnel.

Suicide Bombers. What makes them tick?

Rob Riggle served in Afghanistan before becoming a stand-up comedian.
Then, the real bombing began.

Why did the Little Moron jump off the Empire Sate Building? He wanted to make a big splash on Broadway.

Yesterday I shot a snake in my pajamas. How he got in my pajamas, I’ll never know. (Groucho Marx).

Did you hear the one about the guy who tried to take a chicken into a movie theater?

He was informed that chickens are not allowed in the theater so he left and returned after he stuffed the chicken in his pants.

When sat down and was watching the movie he decided that his chicken needed air so he unzipped his fly to let the chicken stick its head out.

Meanwhile one of the two women sitting next to the man noticed. The woman that noticed said to the woman next to her, “The guy next to me has his thing sticking out!” The woman next to her replied, “Relax, if you’ve seen on of those, you’ve seen them all.”

“Oh yeah! Well this one’s eating my popcorn.”

So I asked my Doctor if it’s safe for me to have sex with the wife. He told me , “Not if you join in”. Rodney Dangerfield.

My Doctor is a real winner. He told me to start smoking, so I could quit chewing gum. Rodney Dangerfield.

My early life.

A couple of Alabama hunters are out in the woods when one of them falls to the ground. He doesn’t seem to be breathing and his eyes have rolled back in his head. The other guy whips out his mobile phone and calls the emergency services. He gasps to the operator: “My friend is dead! What can I do?” The operator, in a soothing voice, says: “Just take it easy. I can help. First, let’s make sure he’s dead.” There is a silence, then a shot is heard. The guy’s voice comes back on the line. He says: “OK, now what?”

A peanut butter sandwich walked into a bar, sat down, and ordered a beer. The bartender said, “I’m sorry, but we don’t serve food.”

@flutherother Good one! HA!

Yeah. I like it too.

I might have told this one before: A rabbi walks into a bar in Manhattan and takes off his hat. There perched on his head is a parrot. The bartender says “Where did you find that”? The parrot answers: “Brooklyn, they’re all over the place”.

A horse walks into a bar. The bartender says, “Why the long face?”

Here is one that only works in German:
“Treffen sich zwei Jäger.”

^^^ “Beide tot.”

Bartender, Richard makes daiquiri with a hazel nut special for the doctor who comes in everyday for it. Richard ran out of hazel nuts one day and substituted a hickory nut
instead. Doctor came in, took a sip, asked “is this a hazel daiquiri Dick? Richard replied, “No, that’s a hickory daiquiri Doc.”

Knock-knock!
Who’s there?
Interrupting Cow.
Interrupting Cow Wh MOOOO!

Akin to @flutherother—another joke about Alabama hunters.

These two Alabama hunters were out in the woods and found an abandoned cabin with an outhouse, One of the hunters has to use it, and is bitten in the ass by a rattlesnake.

“Oh no! I’m gonna die!” he says, as the bite starts to swell. He cannot get back to civilization. The other guy whips out his mobile phone and calls the emergency services. He gasps to the operator: “My friend was bit by a rattler! What can I do?” The operator says: “Just take it easy. I f you want to save your friend, you must cut an incission over the bite and suck the poison out,”

So he explains where the bite is—and the emergency services operator says that is the only way to save his friend.

When he finishes the call, the guy who was bitten asked, “Well, what did they say?”

“He said you’re gonna die.”

How many psychologists does it take to change a light bulb…..?

…..only one, but the light bulb has to want to change.

@smudges Takes 4. One to change the light bulb. And 3 to share the experience.

@Nomore_lockout I have never seen a snake in pajamas.

Light bulb jokes? Ok, the psychologist one is a favorite of mine. So is the Zen master:

How many Zen masters does it take to change a light bulb?

Two: one to change the light bulb and one not to change the light bulb.

A man walks into a bar and is shocked to see a walrus tending the bar. The man recovers himself and orders a Manhattan. He sips the drink and finds it excellent. He finishes the drink staring at the walrus. The walrus finally asks. “What’s the matter buddy? Can’t a walrus run a bar? To which the man replies “I just can’t believe the raccoon sold the place.”

What did the sadist do to to punish the masochist…..?
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.....nothing.

Why must I prove that I am me to pay my bills over the phone? Do strangers call to pay my bills? And, if they do, why don’t you let them?

My wife is such a bad cook, her alphabet soup spells out “Help”. And since when do you have bones in toast? Rodney Dangerfield

I was thinking of writing a romantic comedy.
It would be about a man and a woman. Classic.
At first they hate each other. Classic.
And they end up in bed together. Classic!
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It is called “The Rapist”

“I often muse that when a new President takes office, the CIA takes him into a darkened room, shows him the Zapruder film, then asks: Any questions?” Bill Hicks, Texas leftist political commentator and stand up comic.

I walked into a bar, the bar keep asked me what I wanted. I said, surprise me. He shows me a nude picture of my wife. Rodney Dangerfield

Why do kleptomaniacs not understand jokes?

Why do lego figurines have to pay such high deductibles?

Why is working with horses so popular?

What do food and dark humor have in common?

They always take things. Literally.

Plastic surgery is expensive.

Stable jobs.

Some people don’t get it.

Then there’s the magician who was walking down the street and turned into a bar!

(Oldie but goodie…)

Guy walks into a drinking establishment and sits at the bar. After ordering his drink, he hears a voice: “You’re really good-looking!” “Are you as smart as you look?” “Love your threads!”

Looking around, he’s startled as he realizes that it’s the peanuts and pretzels on the bar that are speaking to him. When the bartender returns with his drink, he says, “What gives? These snacks are talking to me!”

The bartender replies, “Oh yeah, they’re complementary.”

Why are blond jokes so short….?
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....so brunettes can remember them!

The magician asks a guy if he wants to be part of one of his tricks.
Sure, said the guy.
Okay, turn forward, bend over, and drop your pants.

Do you feel my thumb?
-Ye-esss.
The magician lifts his arms alongside the guy’s face; here’s another two.

Scientists were preparing an experiment to ask the ultimate question.
They had worked for months gathering one each of every computer that was built. Finally the big day was at hand. All the computers were linked together. They asked the question, “IS THERE A GOD?”
Suddenly there was a loud crash, and in a brilliant explosion of silicon and plastic the computers fused into what appeared to the scientists to be one large computer in place of the many smaller ones.
One of the scientists raced to the printer as it finally output its answer. “There is now”, read the printout.
source: http://www.jokebuddha.com/joke/To_Computer_Is_there_a_God_1#ixzz5hIFYzvCh

The brain and the heart are discussing who is in charge. The brain said that If he goes then the body dies. The heart said the same. Then the rectum said that he has all the power. The brain and the heart laughed at him and said you can’t kill the body. The rectum said no but If I close myself then the body will get full of shit and I can keep it up until you both surrender to me. Moral of the story is that the asshole has the greatest power in an organization.

An university president was discussing the budget with the dean. He said that the mathematics department is really cheap to run. All they need is pens, paper and trash cans.
The president then said the philosophy department is even cheaper. All they need is pens and paper. Seeing they never throw out any thing.

If Gordon Ramsay was accused of stabbing someone to death, what would his defence be?

“I did not kill him, your honour. I let the knife do the work.”

Where do undead shop?
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At the Gross Ary store.

So what did George Washington tell his father when he chopped down the cherry tree? “I cannot tell a lie. Popeye did it!”

Where does the Lone Ranger take his garbage?

To the dump! To the dump!
To the dump – dump – dump!

Are animals to be protected… Or are they..
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Delicious.

When I lived in The Shoals of Alabama (Muscle Shoals, Tuscumbia, Sheffield, Florence),
I banked at the Colonial Bank across from the FAME studios in Muscle Shoals.

I was waiting in line, and this frog comes in – yes, a FROG of all things – and sits down with a loan officer. The loan officer introduces herself as Patricia Whack. The frog says his name is Kermit – Kermit Jagger.

The frog says he would like to apply for a loan for $20,000 – to buy a boat and take a long trip up the Tennessee River. The loan officer (Patricia) is taken aback by the strangeness of the whole situation – a frog asking for a $20,000 loan! She uneasily tells Kermit Jagger, “Ida know. $20 grand is a substantial amount of money. You would have to have some kind of collateral, as security for repayment, to be forfeited in the event you are unable to repay the loan.”

The frog says, “I have this” and pulls out a porcelain Hummel figurine of a little Dutch boy and girl. Its kind of tacky but may or may not have any value – but certainly not $20,000.

Not wanting to turn the frog down herself, and aghast at the strangeness of the whole situation, she goes back and tells her boss, the bank manager.

The bank manager peers out of his office and sees the frog sitting there.

Patricia, the loan officer, says, “And when I asked if he had any collateral, he offered this!” and she shows him the Hummel figurine. “I mean, what IS this?”

The bank manager inspects the piece, and says, “It’s a knick-knack, Patty Whack! Give the frog a loan!”

As she walks away, the manager explains,

“Hey, his old man’s a Rolling Stone!”

That’s a great PUNch line!

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After making a huge fortune in the stock market, Bill decided to retire early and invest a good portion of his considerable wealth into a wild animal rescue shelter. He purchased a huge coastal estate, and welcomed many injured and endangered animals. In addition to the terrestrial animals, (lions, tigers, bears, etc.) the protected ocean inlet on the estate provided an opportunity for an aquatic shelter, complete with the last known pod of a species of porpoise. Now as you may know, porpoises are very intelligent, and over the years Bill had established communications with them. They told him they appreciated what he had done for them in protecting their species and were grateful for his efforts. They also realized that they could not safely return to the open ocean, at least not for now. There was only one thing missing in their life now, and they asked Bill if he could possibly obtain this for him. The porpoises explained to Bill that there was certain type of seagull that was missing from their diet. This particular bird would provide them with nutrients that would keep them alive indefinitely, and that they couldn’t get with other foods or even supplements he was providing for them. The porpoises even told Bill where to find colony of these birds, and how to harvest only a few at a time, a few times each year.

So Bill went up to the location the porpoises had given him, and sure enough there were the birds they had described. He gathered several of the birds to transport back to the estate. He parked the truck outside the gate closest to the aquatic shelter, and grabbed the bird carriers. As he opened the gate he noticed a lion stretched out on the path, sunning himself. He stepped over the lion, and was immediately arrested by Federal Agents. The charge?

Transporting gulls across a staid lion for immortal porpoises!

Why do radio announcers have nimble hands? It’s a job requiring paws for station identification.

Why did Miles name his seeing eye dog “Who”?

Because he could see for Miles!

Irma is a firm believer in psychology. Her husband Bob thinks the entire field nothing but a scam, and refuses to take it seriously. Bob has been begging Irma for years for oral sex, but Irma wants no part of it and steadfastly refuses. Finally, concerned that Bob is obsessed to the point that it is warping his personality, she decides to ask her therapist what can be done to relieve Bob’s “anxiety” and put a stop to his insistence. Upon hearing Irma’s description of things, the shrink concludes, “if that is the only flaw in your otherwise perfect marriage, why not at least suffer through the experience for 5 minutes or so for a life of harmony?” Returning home, Irma is barely through the door when Bob begins hinting that it now would be a nice time for him to be “serviced”. She says “I asked my therapist what he thought about our situation”. Bob who usually has nothing but scorn for shrinks perks up in anticipation with “What did she say?”, to which Irma replies: “She says some people are beyond help”

What is the difference between a shower curtain and toilet paper?

Does an apple a day keep the doctor away?
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Depends on your aim.

@all So your the ones!

I was sitting in a bar, and I overheard two rather heavy women talking in what I thought was a Scottish brogue. So I walked over and said, excuse me, are you two lassies from Scotland? One of them, rather angrily, slammed her fist on the table and yelled, Wales you idiot, Wales! So I said Oh, excuse me. Are you two whales from Scotland? And that was the last thing I remember.