Heard any groaner jokes lately?

@SQUEEKY2 What is the difference between a shower curtain and toilet paper?

I want to know.

@Hawaii_Jake “So you are the one!”

There once was a man from Nantucket, and boy did he hate limericks.

What’s worse than raining cats and dogs? Hailing taxis.

A new study recently found, that humans eat more bananas than monkey’s. I cant remember the last time I ate a monkey.

Your sister is so fat that her memory foam mattress is in therapy in order to forget.

Oh, I got a whole bunch of those

When I was a kid, my parents went off and left me at the beach once. I asked a cop to help me find them, he told me I don’t know kid, there’s so many places they could hide.

Went to the zoo with the grand kids last week, they have the biggest damn leopard you ever saw. Found out later it was an elephant with measles.

So what do you get when you cross an elephant with a rhino? ‘EllifIknow.

My wife just ran off with my best friend. And I sure do miss him.

What do you get when you cross a snake with a kangaroo?
a jump rope

What snake Is good at math?
adder

Do you know what it is called when an old chameleon can’t change color?
a reptile dysfunction

Why can’t snakes eat soup?
they have a fork tongue, not a spoon tongue

A manic depressive is a driver with a lead foot.
Domestic battery is a “D” cell for flashlights.
Antimony: What one metal pays another after the divorce.
Eczema: A medicated facial cleansing cream.
Fringed benefit: sex.
Condiments: Make condoms smell good.
Mani-pedi: A new fangled type of macaroni.
Incest: Sex with bugs.
Autistic: Paints pretty pictures.
Vaginal discharge: The firing of a zip gun from a hidden location.
Asteroid: A type of medicine that is injected into the glutes to make them bigger, stronger.
Condominium: A very small condom.
Bi-polar disorder: Name of a problem some people have who can’t decide if they want to go North or South.
Marital affairs: Military business.
Extramarital affairs: Special military force’s business.
Homily: Grits.
Bigotries: Big trees.
Hysterectomy: The removal of history from certain subjects.
Rheumatologist : Landlord.
And finally:
Instinct: Having been sprayed by a skunk.

Why was 6 afraid of 7?

Because 7,8 9.

I just grilled a chicken for two hours. It still won’t tell me why it crossed the road.

I asked my parents once, if I had been adopted. They told me absolutely not, we would never have chosen you.

Why did Fozzie Bear not ride his bike to cross the road?
He wanted to “Wokka-wokka!”

What do you call a bear with no teeth?
A gummy bear!

When I was a kid, my parents would tell me I could be anything I wanted to be. So, why won’t they come visit me in the penitentiary?

Little Willy in a fit insane
Thrust his head beneath a train
Said engineer whilst scraping the wheel
‘Tis a short delay, no big deal.

Little Willie was a chemist.
Little Willie is no more.
What Willie thought was H2O*
Was H2SO4**!

*water
*sulfuric acid

Billy had a ten-foot willy,
He showed it to the girl next door;
She thought it was a snake
and hit it with a rake,
And now it’s only four-foot-four.

A mathematician named Hall
Had a hexahedrical ball
The cube of its weight
Times four fifths of five eighths
Was two fifths of five ninths of f$%^& all.

There was a young chaplain from Kings,
Who talked about God and such things.
But his real desire
was a boy in the choir,
with a bottom like jelly on springs.

The customer is always right.
And because of that
They must be punished.
-Dogbert by Scott Adams.

My wife told me rated my listening skills eight out of ten. I still don’t know why she asked me to urinate on a skeleton.

I asked my wife what she would do if I won the lottery. She told me she would take half the money, and leave me. I told her, well I won $12.00, here’s your $6.00. Stay in touch.

My three favorite things in life are eating my family and not using commas.

My dad always had very poor heating. I asked him once who Sherlock Holmes’ assistant was, all he could reply was, “What son?”

March 12, 1876, Alexander Graham Bell made the fist ever phone call. Moments later, HE got a call about his extended car warranty.

Why do women like a man in uniform?

Is it because he has a job?

The Devil whispered in my ear, “You’re not strong enough to withstand the storm”. I whispered back, “Well, at least I didn’t lose my Golden Fiddle to some hillbilly in Georgia”.

When you swim in a creek, and an eel bites your cheek, that’s a moray…

I audibly groaned at ^ that, so, good choice!

What nickelback songs do hippies in a glue accident sing?

A hero will shave us a hero will find a way!

I arrived at the restaurant a little earlier than my reservation time. The manager said, “We’re really busy right now, would mind waiting a bit?” I replied, “Well sure”. He hands me two plates, and tells me to take them over to Table Nine.

I wrecked my Kia. Now I have Nokia.

Yesterday I spotted an Albino Dalmatian. It was the least I could do for him.

Giggling now.

My wife told me I hadn’t been listening to her. I responded, Well that’s a strange way to begin a conversation.

Why did the Invisible Man and Invisible Woman break up? They decided not to see other people.

Someone just greeted me with half a peace sign. Weird.

A new museum had a grand opening promotion. They handed everyone a dinosaur vertibrae as they left. People were taken a back.

Then the there’s the magician who was walking down the street and turned into a restaurant.

What do you call a Frenchman wearing sandals? ..... Phillipe Phillop

I was robbed by six dwarfes today. Not Happy.

I quit drinking for a month. Wait, that came out wrong. I meant, I quit, drinking for a month.