Yes, I understood the gravity of that part. And 16 years means more of stubborn behaviour then my kid of 10 years. I also realized its no use to have a load of good advices when few will apply. My son’s no was often also a real no – sometimes, it still is. Refused therapy, they did not want to treat him, he was impossible.
Still, in your case, more years passed and the window to make a difference is limited.
I think a part will be the acceptance of your ex about her limited influence. You cant control someone’s choices, but you can set some consequences on it. Every kid – including special ones – still needs basic social rules.
Your ex might first start to master the only person she can control – herself, and see what she needs in this situation for her personal boundaries and wishes. As for him, rules down to a minimum – but to be taken serious.
As for making changes, one at a time and see how that works- certainly with a fellow of 16 year. But youre right: he has power and his own will, so maybe a step down and let him face more responsibilities. Or better – the consequences of not taking them.
In a few years, he will be legally adult, if im correct. So to let him make his own mistakes, better soon then later – and not save him from consequences. Certainly a complicated balance, given the circumstances.
Tough for (grand) parents, as ex I also had mayor struggles in accepting my own limited abilties to coach my kids, but in time i found the grace to let go and make the best of it. Now ive good connections with them. Sometimes, letting go is the best to do.
Youre also an concerned and good empathic granddad, I understood he is the responsibility of your ex. Its great if you two can discuss it in reason. If not, its her responsibility anyway, giving mutual respect and freedom.
I hope things turn out well in the end, it can be heartbreaking to experience his struggle.