Where does your self-worth come from?

I haven’t a clue. Maybe success in having more? More food, more money, more Lurve? Constantly more, and more.

@longgone I don’t buy that.

Self worth is internal, based on my value system and doing the ‘right thing’. I can’t see why apologies should have a role – suppose that you have nothing to apologize for?

The Lerner concept is sort of Christological in that it assumes original sin (or sin of something you need to apologize for) suggesting that to feel good about yourself you need to dig yourself out of a hole. That doesn’t make any sense.

@elbanditoroso “Self worth is internal, based on my value system and doing the ‘right thing’.”

That was her point – that a true apology (one where, by definition, you think you made a mistake) is sometimes the right thing to do. But this question is not about Harriet Lerner. I was curious about other people's opinions. I know what Lerner would say if she posted on this thread...but how about you?

Doing the ‘right thing’ need not always lead to a heartfelt apology. I can do the right thing the right way, so that I don’t need to apologize and that could increase my self worth too. Or maybe, I love a person and I know that he/she is not apologizing ‘heart felt’ but still, I forgive them because I love them…that could increase my self worth because I’m being unconditional in spreading my love….

I googled to find out who she was and I saw that she’s authored many books, the latest of which is about ‘heartfelt apologies’. Sometimes, these podcasts are just promotional tools for authors and actors….so, I wouldn’t place too much importance on her statement. Maybe she has some good points in her book that could substantiate her statement…but right off the bat, it sounds dubious. People are supposed to tender heartfelt apologies. That is the basic tenet of honesty. Making that sound like some virtue and associating self worth to it, is a little too much.

From inside.

Or from L’Oréal.

My self worth comes from doing my best to be of service to others, and being grateful. From those two things comes humility. Both of those are “inside jobs”.

Same as @zenvelo. I’m not great at apologies though.

Divorce, therapy and my participation in my faith community in the last 6 years, i.e. being around people who accept and value me.

That God and my mom love me, and I them.

I’ll presume this is synonymous with ‘self-esteem’, which is my preferred term.

People are always seeking to improve their sense of self-esteem, because without it comes anxiety and depression.

Self-esteem is entirely based on subjective beliefs and perceptions. It can be fomented in early socialisation, simply from people treating you better and telling you how great you are all the time.

Having lots of money can improve self-esteem.

Getting lots of sex can improve self-esteem.

Having a job you love can improve self-esteem.

When the above things are not an option, people turn to other outlets for improving self-esteem:

Religion is the most common outlet for improving self-esteem, because it bestows a meaning for one’s existence, and offers community with like-minded people sharing the same beliefs.

Nationalism and patriotism have a similar effect to religion.

Sports fandom.

Celebrity-worship.

Intellectual pursuits. Hobbies. Bodybuilding. Getting fit. Voluntary-work.

Pretty much anything could work—even anti-social and criminal behaviours, like becoming a meth producing drug kingpin.

I don’t know about the efficiacy of Lerner’s suggestion, but I suppose one could derive meaning and a feeling of satisfaction from giving heartfelt apologies. You’d just need a lot of things to apologise for, which seems a bit weird to me.

@Kropotkin Basically everything that Shania Twain isn’t ‘impressed with much’ can improve ‘self-esteem’. Also whatever keeps her warm in the night; whatever that is? Maybe buy her some wool winter socks, for bed.

Knowing that I was of some use to people who both know me personally and those who don’t.

To quote a friend of mine:

“If you want to improve your self esteem, do esteemable acts.”

People are all individuals so their self-worth will be individual as well. I fully believe that when we are born, we are perfectly happy with ourselves. That changes over time as events happen in our lives. You get scolded by your parents and you might feel bad about it. If it only happens once, you might get over it. If it happens again and again, you start thinking you are “bad”. Perhaps you don’t believe you are getting enough attention…it isn’t all about you! So you act up to get attention.
At some point, healthy individuals recognize that (a) they aren’t perfect, (b) not every mistake is horrible, and© if they leave their self-worth up to the views of others, they will never be happy.

I practice self-loathing. Any amount of self-worth I have is from bending over backwards to help others, especially those I have wronged.

Helping others, being productive for myself and others, and knowing people around me are appreciative. It is mostly internal, but I think there is an external element in wanting to know that my efforts are actually doing the help that I hope. The feedback helps.

I also think accepting that I am not perfect and no one is perfect. When I became easier on myself and easier regarding my expectations of others I started to see more clearly what I like about myself.

My ever increasing body count.

@ragingloli What is your body count as of today?

8809

Can’t say, philoposizing about life gives me a head ache. I’d rather just fire up my grill, cook some burgers, and have a few beers. I’ll leave the meaning of life, self worth, etc. up to the bearded P.hd dudes.

This is an interesting jumping off point. Though, in my opinion, ultimately flawed.

It’s attempting to connect an internal valuation with an outward behavior. I would say the motivation for the action has a larger impact on self worth than the action itself.

Also, I think self-esteem and self-worth are related. But the two are separate and not interchangeable.

I would say it’s a mixture of nature and nurture. And it’s going to be different for everyone.

Though, in my particular case, I think being the youngest of four helped. And also six years apart from my closest sibling in age. It kind of let me observe these interactions and dynamics. And gave me a bit of space to decide what I wanted (and didn’t want) for myself.

Self-worth can be located in a place within you. It’s down deep past your frustration, negativity, pain and anger. It’s next to the pace where your dreams are kept.

l had to view the differences between self Esteem and self worth.

Here is the definition and link.
What is Self-Worth and How Do We Increase it? (Incl. 4…https://positivepsychology.com › self-worth

”“Self-esteem is what we think and feel and believe about ourselves.

Self-worth is recognizing ‘I am greater than all of those things. ’ It is a deep knowing that I am of value, that I am loveable, necessary to this life, and of incomprehensible worth.” (2013).”
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I get my self worth from knowing that I try the best I can to assist others in whatever way is

comfortable for me and the others, and from doing the right thing.( Justice etc)

I don’t look for Love from others , rather I give it instead and in doing so once in awhile I get more than I gave.

I strive to be a good person, and avoid mingling with those that are opposite of good intentions.