What would do if your relationship was a lie?

Some people are bad enough that I’d rather not have them involved with my children at all. This guy clearly needs some serious work, at the very least. My guess is he is unhappy in his other relationship(s), enough to start that with you. But he’s also not being his authentic self with you, so even if you ended up with him, even just as the child’s other parent, you’d have a piece of work to deal with. So, I’d probably be trying to assess for myself what kind of person he really is, and what I want to do about that.

Unfortunately he has made it clear that he wants nothing to do with the baby. I’m very sorry you have to go through that. But I think you are just going to stress yourself out by trying to get him to love the baby and be in your and the baby’s life. I would try to carry on without him in my life, have the baby and have paternity declared then. Because he created this baby, too and shouldn’t get off scott free . He should have to pay child support even if he isn’t in the child’s life.
I feel like you really dodged a bullet by finding out who this guy really is.
Good luck!

I think you have to get over him which will take some doing I realize and not try to engage with him at all. Some counseling might help with that. You are clearly an intelligent capable person from the way you write and analyze things.

It seems clear that if you plan to keep this baby, you will be raising him or her on your own. So that is the decision you must focus on now. if it were me and I were able to raise the baby on my own, I would cut her entirely out of the picture because I think he is more trouble than he’s worth.

Welcome to Fluther and do feel free to turn to us for advice as you go through this! I feel for you.

I haven’t read the previous answers yet.

From a practical standpoint, I would first decide if I wanted to keep the baby. If so, I would look into a court order which would force him to pay child support. I am not quite sure how this would occur – probably start with your local family court. Many local family courts have free legal advice which would tell you what to do and where to start.

He will have to pay child support until the child is 18 and perhaps even after the child goes to college. He should pay child support. Whether or not his girlfriend finds out is not your problem, at all. He should have thought of that before he started his relationship with you.

If you don’t want to keep the baby, you have to decide what you are going to do about that and you are somewhat limited with time.

As for men and why they do these things, I think (and I say this sometimes in my real life), some men just want to get their dick wet. It sounds vulgar and it is vulgar but it can be true. If you knew the man was in a relationship and you chose to be with him, that would be a different story but you were lied to and you liked him, which is sad and awful but it happens.

Get out! Now! Honesty is always the best policy and if you aren’t getting it, RUN!!

First, I’d do everything to make sure I actually knew his real name. You won’t get far claiming child support if he just faked everything up till now.

Next, I’d carefully consider the question of whether or not to try and have the child, and whether or not to raise them. That’s a personal one you need to decide for yourself. Common sense says it’ll be very hard without a partner, you will potentially push away future partners who want to have their own kids with you, you will always hold some resentment towards the baby, and you’ll never be able to get this man completely out of your life. On the other hand, babies are amazing and blameless and it takes a village and stuff. Like I said, your choice, but acknowledge that you do have one, I hope.

If you do have the kid, and keep them, you must seek support money. It’s too unfair to the kid not to, and unfair to the next victims of this kind of POS behavior.

And if you didn’t tell him to get bent yet, do that.

I’d keep my baby and take him to court for child support. Sounds like he got what he wanted and is done. Sorry, it’s such a cliche yet tragic.

In my experience, men retaliate when ordered to pay child support. He may sue for custody. He might win.
If it was me I would cut him loose completely. Now.

You have a choice on whether you want to keep the baby or not, depending on how far along the pregnancy is. Check with your local Planned Parenthood. If you do decide to keep the baby then make sure you get early and good prenatal care. Again, your local Planned Parenthood can help with this, or at least point in the right direction.

I have no comment on the relationship side of it.

I agree with Caravan on this one.
He does not want to take responisbility so the decision is only yours to continue the prenancy or at this early stage talk with Planned Parenthood to see what is best for you at the moment before this pregnancy goes any further.
The soon the better to make a lifetime decision.

I agree with @Caravan that you should discuss your situation with Planned Parenthood. You can book an appointment with them online. I would do it soon and then you can then make an informed decision.

I would ask about the chances of getting child support from the guy and I would be very tempted to contact his partner to let her know what he has done. If he has lied to you, he will have lied to everyone.

^ Some women will think that she got pregnant on purpose or is lying or that he loves me, so it won’t happen to me.

@flutherother Except for the issue of needing child support if she does, I would stay away from that guy as much as feasible. His lies will come out but it s not her responsibility to straighten the other woman out. She has enough on her plate.

@janbb Perhaps you are right, and it would only backfire causing more trouble, but I would be tempted.

Thanks everyone for your answers! Your in sight really means a lot! I would like to advise that I am an advocate for abortion and would have definitely followed up on that option if I were younger. This would be my first child and even though it was made from a complete lie, I feel like it’s just the right thing for me to do. I have a large family and I have a really good career with incredible income so I feel like I can do this once the “village” is established. I do agree with most of you that pointed out that he should have to support the child financially. I intend to proceed with those options when baby is born. It’s only right. Even if he never acknowledges my child ever or doesn’t pay a penny towards it. It’s fine. They will have a family that loves it and that’s all that matters. I honestly feel like the guilt will get to him before anything that I could ever say or do to him could. Because of that I will no longer be reaching out to him. However, I will tell my child the truth and let them come to the conclusion of the kind of person their father is on their own. If they try to seek him later on in life, I will not intervene but I will just prepare to help pick up the pieces if he breaks their heart.

@Sumsands Sounds like your head is screwed on right! Best of luck with it all!

@Sumsands Hugs! I hope you stay around Fluther and add to our community.