What can I write to a bereaved parent?

The death of an adult child must be gruesome with the amount of grief. I would buy an appropriate card and add a line of personal words of solace.

I’m very sorry to hear your cousin is experiencing this tragedy.

@Hawaii_Jake Yes, I think it is triggering such feelings in me that I keep pushing it away. Thanks.

If it were me, I think I would take some comfort in knowing that you were thinking of me – even if you were unable to manifest the words to express your feelings. In a way, something this tragic should cause people to find themselves at a loss for words. Maybe you could express your sincere sympathy for your cousin and express that you are unable to find the words. Just a thought.

I worked for years with a guy whose son was murdered in 9th grade public high school. He had to live and re-live this tragedy multiple times, when the trial happened. There were times that I directly told him that I have no idea what to say, but that I am here for him. His response was, “There are no words. Thank you.”

@product Yes. Thank you.

My deepest sympathies
Wishing you comfort in your time of bereavement

I agree with the others above. I think it probably matters less what you say than that you say something. I imagine they will be mostly blinded to the words, even cliches like “thoughts and prayers,” but they will register that you sent a note of sympathy and condolence.

If you can say something about the young man himself, so much the better—anywhere from “I loved his dimpled smile” to “You may not have known this, but Mark made a generous contribution to a charitable fund that I support. I’ll always remember his kindness.”

The main thing, I think, is to focus on them (“sending you love and comfort” rather than “I feel your loss”) and try to say it from the heart.

And I don’t think there’s such a thing as being too late with it. They’re going to feel this forever. It’s not ever going to be about reminding them; they won’t forget.

@Jeruba Yes. Good advice, thanks.

My fatherINlaw said he was comforted by anything that let him know he was cared about. Even just “I am sorry for your loss”. A lot of people stayed away from him after Jeff died. I’ll bet a lot just didn’t know what to say. It ripped him up. I am sorry your family has to go through this too.

@anniereborn Thanks.

I would write in the card that you know there is nothing you can say or do that can help comfort them right now but that if they just need any kind of help or just someone to listen to when they feel overwhelmed that you would gladly help. Give them your number if they don’t have it.
I would also call them and ask if they need some financial assistance for the funeral arrangements. If they do you can maybe call a bunch of relatives to assist in helping pay for some of it. Or if they don’t need it you can start a donation fund for a charity that their child in their name or if the parents would like some money going towards an advocacy group against gun violence.

We are gathering handmade cards for my kid’s teacher whose son passed away.

I don’t think there are any words. Just want her to know we are holding her in our thoughts. Even if it’s a scribbled drawing in crayon.

I have to write a message like that too. So sad. What’s forming in my mind is something like: “Oh, R——, I’m so sorry to hear about your son. I don’t think there’s a worse thing a person can experience than losing a child, no matter what age. I wish you all the courage and all the comfort you need. And I’ll be right here if you need a friend.”

@janbb I’m so sorry to hear about this tragedy.

I agree with people above to keep it short. I would express my deepest sympathies or condolences, and as @Jeruba mentioned, if you have a memory that can be written in a simple sentence that’s a nice addition.

Most of us have probably faced that blank piece of paper at some time. I usually say something very simple such as “I am sorry to hear of your loss. My thoughts are with you at this difficult time.”

The fact that he was an only son doesn’t make it any easier.

perfect timing on a tough question. I just lost a first cousin who is 1 year younger than me. We hung out as kids as she lived a couple city blocks away. She was the second closest cousin I have. It is such a shock to me let alone her siblings and her mother.
I appreciate the timely question and all the thoughtful advise.

@Forever_Free I am sorry you are going through such a painful loss too.

@anniereborn Thank you so much

These are my favorite cards to express empathy: https://emandfriends.com/collections/empathy-cards

I love that there are cards that say, “I don’t know what to say.” I find that perfectly appropriate when someone’s child dies.

The best thing is to be able to be with them. Just sit with them. Words will have little meaning for quite some time. Likely cards will not even be opened for a period of time. But for someone to just be with you while going through the beginning of a new world is helpful. It silently says, “I care.”

@SnipSnip That’s a good thought but they live a plane ride away and I can’t go there. But other family members are going down there this weekend for the funeral.

Update: I finally found the words, which were basically a very loving “there are no words” and sent off a note today.