My mother is asking me for money from my inheritance - how should I go about it?

The text message from earlier today was me asking my mom “Do you remember the day my father died you asked me for money?”

My mother’s response to my question-

She wrote her full name, $3,600 then wrote “payment of loans”

This was her response to the question I asked, which hurts me a little she didn’t even respond she just wants $3,600 for “Payment of Loans”

My text message after that was “Can you let me know exactly what the loan money was for etc?”

and my mother’s response was:

I don’t know exactly what for maybe for your car ???

————————————————————

Am I being selfish here ?

Should I just give my mother $3,600 ? I love my mom a lot, believe me I do, it just feels wrong and ODD she’d ask me in this way….? Maybe I am wrong…?

One of my friends told me if I give her money she will ask for more.

Thank you for any advice. I love my mom, I don’t want to seem weird or selfish, but I feel like this money from my father was meant for me and what I need to do with my life ? I feel hurt my mom only cares about the money.

Sorry for such a long question.

I feel very very very hurt from my mom.

If you guys tell me it is not a big deal, that I am just being selfish, and to just give my mother money, please let me know. I feel hurt.

I genuinely do not know how to navigate this situation with my mother & the inheritance my father left for me.

I don’t have a family. I’m all alone in the world. The only family I have is my mother, and I feel like she doesn’t really love me. Please help. I have friends but I don’t have much family. I’m crying as I write this. Please help ? Am I being selfish ? She’s the only mother I have I know. Please. I’m hurting because I feel like no one loves me and the one person who should love me (My Mother) only wants Money from me.

Please help.

I don’t want to seem like a brat I feel really horrible for even asking this please don’t judge me if I am being selfish I will do it, I’m sorry for asking. I love my mother very much.

I would not give her anything. It does sound odd, especially since she isn’t being specific… You might want to make a point of saving all her messages and other communications, just in case (for legal reasons).

If she weren’t your mother but a stranger, how would you handle this?

I’m really sorry this is happening. It’s got to be so painful to you. Please hang around and keep us posted how it goes. You’ll find some friends here.

I am sorry to hear about the passing of your Father.
I am also sorry to hear about the relationship (or lack of) with your mother. It doesn’t sound as though there is a thought about reconciling this.

It sounds like you are a very well adjusted person. Based on your description here I wouldn’t give a dime to your Mother. Sorry to be so blunt.
I would also somehow communicate your intention (perhaps mail a letter) and to kindly ask her to stop.
Stay strong. Best
I

As I reread your question, it appears that your mother isn’t thinking clearly. You won’t be helping her if you just give her money.

It sounds a bit odd. I understand having strained relations with a parent. I think at this point the real question is what sort of relationship do you want to have with her going forward? As @snowberry said, if this was a complete stranger, how would you handle it? I know that if a complete stranger approached me and mentioned they saw my mom died and left me money and that I should give them some, I’d tell them to get lost. But when it isn’t a stranger it’s a different matter. And the difference is the relationship and what it will be going forward.

Your mom seems to be acting oddly. So you might need to get to the bottom of it. I would suggest sitting down with her and going into the nuts and bolts of what is going on. And that includes finding out what sort of relationship she wants with you going forward. If she is wanting a loving relationship, that doesn’t include pestering you for money ceaselessly. If she just wants to keep you around for when she wants money, then that isn’t a relationship. She claims you owe her $3600 for loans but she can’t articulate what loans. Did she ever ask you for this money before your father died? If not, then it obviously wasn’t that important or real.

In the end you need to recognize that if your mother is just using you, it isn’t a healthy relationship.

I am very sorry your father died. That’s very sad.

I have an odd situation with my father. He disowned me, but we write to each other. I mention this, because I want you to know I understand difficult relationships with parents. I recommend that you not give your mother any money and that you tell her bluntly you won’t. It’s going to hurt, and it’s going to require a lot of courage. Your mother is not being odd. She’s being manipulative.

I wish you all the best for your dreams.

I suggest you getting in touch with :
1. Cousellor
2. Lawyer
Your late Father knew how his wife was , that is why he left everything to you, don’t disappoint him, as he WAS looking out for you!

Your mother is using guilt tactics in order to get you to give what she is NOT entitled to.
Your mother is selfish and greedy.

DO NOT GIVE ANYTHING TO HER!

I would ask her to understand how YOU FELT being thrown out of the house when YOU needed desperate help!

Time for your mother to FEEL what that felt like too.

Money will not fix her, perhaps a counsellor ( not your responsibility)
She has to go on her own when she realizes that she could lose you as well?

STAY STRONG and do not give in to selfish behavior no matter how you are related.

Hopeing for the best for YOU!

YOUR Father had more experience with your mother and her antics, so believe in your Father’s choices to give to you, a more responsible person .
Live up to that.

Stand firm! Say no. Change the subject. If you have to, avoid your mother.
If you owe her money, pay her. But don’t give her any more!

This is wonderful! We all agree that the OP should not give the OP any money!

Several folks above gave you much more insightful advice than I did, and excellent suggestions.. Please stay strong, and make sure you have folks supporting you if she gets hard to handle.

Don’t give in! If you do, it will get worse! I do like the idea of consulting an attorney if she gets too difficult (and don’t forget to save all communication from her, just in case).

Meh. Fuck her useless self. Kids don’t owe their parents shit, much less shitty parents. Enjoy the money. Use it to change your life, and don’t give her anything. I would say that 3600 is a good price to be rid of a use piece of shit, but as we know, giving them money will not make them go away, so save the money and don’t give her claims even a hint of respect.

Having a bad mother is a fault on her, not on you. Lots of people have them, and too many ruin themselves trying to make things work with their awful kin. This is a time to focus on your life and what you can do to achieve your dreams. Letting your mother’s poison in right now is just going to pull you down. Scrape her off.

Sorry your father died.

Tell her no !

There’s a reason she wasn’t married to your father. Get a lawyer on retainer and have him send a cease and desist order on his letterhead. Might cost a couple of hundred dollars but if she ever contacts you in the future take her to court for harassment.

What a difficult and painful situation. I can understand why you’re so conflicted: you do love your mother, but you’re also aware that she wants to manipulate you. Your past relationship, and her shabby treatment of you, tells you all you need to know.

Here’s what I would do: I’d trust my instincts (yours are spot-on) and give her nothing now. But, I’d help her, going forward, when she’s genuinely in trouble and not merely thinking that she’s entitled.

- If she gets sick or injured and has medical bills she can’t pay, cover them for her. Don’t hand her the money; take the actual bills, insist on learning your mother’s bank account balance, and pay the bills directly if she really does lack resources.

- If your mother can’t afford groceries, either take her shopping and buy what she needs, or arrange for a delivery to her home. Again, verify that she truly can’t pay; don’t simply give her your funds.

- Someday, she might need to move to some sort of eldercare facility. Be certain that the facility is a good, safe place, and subsidize the fees as needed. I emphasize—pay directly, rather than giving cash to your mother.

If my answer seems harsh, telling you to review her bank account statements and sending the money to your mother’s debtors or service providers, I do believe that this situation warrants a high level of caution. If you give her $3,600 now, you’ll have no idea how she spends it and, as your friend mentioned, your mother will keep asking for more. She believes that she deserves and has a right to your inheritance, which is wrong. Your father intended for you to have a more comfortable life, not for your mother to extract his estate from you.

The money is your inheritance and it doesn’t sound like you owe her a thing. She kicked you out when you were 17! I would not get a lawyer involved but I would tell her clearly that it is your money that was left to you and that if she persists in pestering, you will have to cut off the relationship. You can say you love her and don’t want to have to do this but you don’t want to be hounded any more.

It might be different if she were starving in the street but it just sounds like she is greedy.

Just wnt to add you sound very reasonable and articulate about this. Good luck!

“The day my father died my mother was asking me for money.”

This tells me all I need to know about your mother.

I’m sorry about your dad passing, but I wouldn’t give her a single penny.

I don’t know all of the details here so it’s really hard to say. The fact that your mom was so inconsiderate of your feelings for your father’s passing is very concerning and I would be inclined to not want a relationship with such a person. That said, I don’t fully understand either her or your circumstances. Maybe she has an urgent financial need that she hasn’t disclosed to you? Maybe your “rebelliousness” was a lot more extreme than you’re letting on? The point is, I don’t know either of you, so it’s hard to give advice with any certainty.

If your mom is simply being greedy, then I’m Inclined to agree with @seawulf575 take. But if you put her through hell and caused significant financial hardships for her when you were younger, then $3,600 is pretty cheap in comparison. Asking for it on the day of his death is indicates no concern for your emotional welfare, and that’s the part that’s really hard to understand.

I’m sorry your father passed, and that you’re having to deal with this situation on top of grieving the loss of your parent.

One bit of tangental advice is that your absolutely should learn about investing. You need to learn enough about investing to hold your financial adviser accountable at the minimum, if.you’re not going to manage it yourself.

Your father left that inheritance to you and you should respect that, as should your mother. It gives you a chance to get the life you want. Your mother has no business asking you for money which it appears she doesn’t really need anyway.

Can your mother truly love you even while asking you for money in these circumstances? Yes, I believe that is possible.

Can you still love your mother even while denying her requests for money? Yes, you know that is true.

Frankly we don’t know about your loans, so it’s hard to give advice. Based on your post she sounds toxic but mother daughter dynamics are often complicated.
Based on your story, I would find a house and invest in that immediately, for yourself, since it’s your goal.
I would also give her $5k if she signs a legal document saying this fulfills any and all financial issues between you two.
Is she asking because she needs help or being greedy? I can’t say for sure. Most wealthy people would not rent a room in their home here.
Honest open communication between mother and daughter would be my recommendation. She is your only parent, good or not. Treating her poorly may be bad karma, regardless of the past.

I think the $3600 seems like a strange number to settle on. There may be some problem your mother is having that $3600 would fix. You need to decide whether you want to repair the relationship or let it go. Either way you might want to find out what the problem is. I don’t know the size of the inheritance, whether $3600 is trivial or substantial. If it is trivial and I wanted to repair the relationship, I would let her have it. I’m not condoning the badgering from your mother but but people do strange things when they are worried about money problems. $3600 may not be a life altering sum for you but it may be for her. You need to know why she needs it. IMHO

Thank you everyone for your answers. It kind of confirmed what I had already been feeling…..

@KNOWITALL The thing is I don’t have any loans. My mother never said “This is a loan for this”. Ever. My mother has never given me anything of huge significance money wise. I’m not sure if she wants me to pay her back for a lunch or dinner she took me to? Or a sweater she bought? I honestly don’t know. I even asked her “Can you tell me what was the loan for?” and she responded she didn’t know…... Which I wrote above if you read it.

That’s why I feel hurt and this whole situation feels odd.

If I did owe her money then of course I’d pay it. She said she doesn’t remember.

The “amount” she has been asking for changes and has gone down. It went first from asking for $40K to pay off her house, to $15K, to now $3600.

My father told me years ago the house should have been paid for already (the house she kicked me out of) so it feels hurtful my mother would ask money from my inheritance to pay off HER house…..... Its not a home to me. My friend said it’s not my responsibility to take care of my mother’s bad financial decisions so I don’t know what to do.

@Jaxk

It’s very strange. I’m not sure whether I should just give her that so she can just stop but I feel like if I give her that she’ll ask more. I feel really hurt. Especially by my mom. She has a home. She has a husband who is financially stable as well. She has a tenant who pays her rent from the room I grew up in. The entire thing is hurtful so idk. Maybe I’ll give her that amount so she stops bugging me ????

I want to let the relationship go because it is not healthy and for the last couple of years I have noticed it isn’t good—- and this was pretty much the last straw where I felt it was really not right

@Jaxk I can ask her why she needs it, I’m a little scared to but I will ask.

I would like not to go forward with this relationship with my mother.

For a very long time I felt I always was trying to “WIN” my mother’s love and please my mother. I feel like I have a “narcissistic” parent, I’ve looked it up and I know I’m not an expert but I feel she might have NPD.

The relationship feels and is toxic. I’ve been feeling this way for a while. Her doing this to me feels almost like the “last straw”. It’s really hurtful. I don’t want to move forward with the relationship with my mom.

She’s rented out my room and has made money $$$ off the room I grew up in

I want to have children but I would not trust leaving my child with her, let’s just say that.

Since I was 17 I’ve never lived with my mother. There was a time when I was looking for an apartment and I stayed at my mom’s house maybe 2 nights——I actually had to GIVE and pay my mother MONEY for staying at her house…..... now, maybe it’s just me. But my friend’s who go back to their parent’s house their parents don’t ask them for money.

Now that my dad is dead she’s asking me money from my inheritance. The whole situation doesn’t feel right to me.

@flutherother

Thank you for saying it gives me the life I want.

Should I feel hurt that my mother would take this away from me? Shouldn’t she want me to keep my inheritance or to save it? Wouldn’t that be what a good parent wants right? I feel so incredibly fucking hurt from this. Everyone has kind of confirmed what I’ve been feeling.

I think you’re right in saying my mom could still love me despite in asking.

When I put everything today from the things she’s done in the past though it doesn’t seem loving, but what the hell do I know.

I want to use the inheritance for a good life for myself and for my future.

I feel like my mother asking me for money in this way is a Jab to me.

I don’t know.

@gorillapaws

I understand what you’re saying, I’m unaware of an urgent financial need. The house is not in foreclosure, she has a tenant, she seems to be very healthy and active, she works out and eats very healthy. There might be a financial need however this “need” did not come up before my father’s death. My mother has always been financially stable or has had tenants, she also gets social security. I’m unaware of an urgent financial need, but also I don’t feel like it should be my responsibility.

Where was my mother when I asked her for help? When she kicked me out at 17 and I had no money or a place to go? That could have been incredibly dangerous for a young girl but thankfully my father helped. Where was my mom when I was suffering for so many years?

I’ve been a good daughter and have been kissing my mother’s ass since I was 17.

I was rebellious as in I talked back, but nothing than that. I was a normal teenager. It wasn’t extreme. I would try to talk to my mother and she’d ignore me and watch tv.

There was no financial hardships I put her through as my father gave her and us a comfortable life growing up. My mom has money, savings, investments, stocks, etc.

So I’m not really sure if this $3600 is her just wanting me to pay her back for any dinners or lunches she might have taken me to? I asked her yesterday what the loan was for and she said she couldn’t remember.

@NeedAdvicePlease The more you tell about your Mom, the more I think you should not give her any money. Maybe send a note or an email saying you are not giving her any and she must stop asking. My Ex and I were both good parents but I would not expect anything if he left money to our kids in his will.

@NeedAdvicePlease After hearing more details, my inclination is to not have a relationship with her. I can’t imagine throwing a child out of my house to be homeless over back talking. That’s twisted. Move on, invest wisely and focus your energy on cultivating friendships and relationships with people who respect and value you as a person. All the best to you, and please stick around on Fluther! There are lots of helpful people here, and I’m sure we could benefit from your experiences and advice as well.

@janbb

Wow. I see.

What do you make of my situation or of my mother? Knowing now that you said you wouldn’t take from your kid’s will so now I’m wondering what that makes my mom. One of my friends told me too his parents/mother wouldn’t ask for money from the inheritance either, but I know it depends on the family members. I feel kinda even worse now but it’s all good confirmation.

@gorillapaws Thank you so much. That’s what I’m going to do. I want to make my dad proud and live a full life.

Good job. Don’t give her money. If you do, she will start asking for more. (Hugs)

Family values go down the toilet when money is concerned.

I’m new here and sorry for any faux pas but I can’t tell how long it’s been since the OP replied, but I’d like to offer my two cents here. For starters, I’m reasonably confident that the mental health pro that suggested my mother has NPD is exactly right after years of me trying desperately to figure out my mom. Secondly, I relate to a lot of what OP has said (dad died, left inheritance, mom kicked kid out of house as teenager, kid has been asked for money from mom with a whole heaping of guilt on the side, if not the main course,) and I just want to say, PLEASE don’t give in to her. It’s likely she’s looking for permission to ask (if you’re lucky) and receive money from you again and again, and if she’s anything like my mom, you’ll end up broke, not to mention in debt. I’ve seen my own mom do this to more than one person and stupid me kept trying to appease her well into middle age—not with money so much as other things—but she’s tried to financially con me a couple times in recent years, most notably asking me how much I was leaving her in life insurance—isn’t that heart warming? (By the way, I ain’t leaving her a dime, but anyway.) Took me FOREVER to finally accept the truth of who is she with NPD and how this means she’ll never have real empathy and love for me, and the only reason we “get along” is because I’m well trained not to say the “wrong” thing. I walk on eggshells around this woman and have turned myself inside out without even realizing it. She’s in my head and has effected me in ways that I’m just now starting to scratch the surface about. I don’t know where you are in life, but whether you are in a position of doing it now or doing it later when the timing’s better, please see a trauma therapist. Parents with NPD continue to suck dry their adult children any way they can, especially the ones who always worked hard to appease them. Even though I was kicked out of the house, I forgave her and her gaslighting justification for the whole event, which was just a culmination of a childhood rife with horrors at her hands and screaming mouth. Look, just because you love your mom doesn’t mean you can’t protect yourself from her. Please don’t give her an inch. She’ll take the whole prairie if you do. I speak from experience. It’s a hell of a thing to not be able to look yourself in the mirror some days because you know you sold out to a mother that can’t love. It’s NOT YOU. It’s her. Please try to find your tribe. Tomorrow will be better. And if not tomorrow, then the next day and the next. Godspeed.

OP hasn’t returned since November 2021.

@Litaz, you can see when anyone last visited by clicking on their name to see their profile page. It apears there at the top.

In the desktop version, you can see when any reply in a thread was posted by moving your cursor just to the right of the “Flag as” link. You’ll see a red paragraph mark (pilcrow): ¶. Hover on that and it shows when the response was made.