How do I go about this?

Well, It’s not my place to say this, I don’t know the whole story but from what I understood, your family wants you and your husband to live with them until the baby is born, is that correct? If it is then I agree with them, you need safe and stable environment for the last few months before due date. And since it’s your family then you will be more comfortable around them rather than in a strange city.

The end decision is yours to make, do you feel comfortable staying with your family? Texas is quite far, will you be ok with travelling and all? Also new city new town, it’s gonna take some time settling in.

Before all that, I would suggest that you, your husband and your family should all sit around and have a discussion about this. This is the best way to go about this.

Hope my answer helps you.

My husband just admit that he want to move closer to texas to be with his friends, which I feel is selfish because he’s taking away my support system. I told him I’m not comfortable with that but he dont care and he say we will save money there, but my mom only ask 500 for rent and she will help with everything once the baby born. I say if he want to go and feel he will be happier with his friends he can go by himself. He just told me to fuck off and kill the baby if I want him in his life. I said no and ask for a divorce. At this point I’m pregnant and don’t need the stress, I think I will be fine without him, it just sucks seeing him react harshly to me.

You need to talk it out with them. If your husband is not putting your needs first, then he’s not such a great guy.

I’m sorry you are going through this. If his knee jerk reaction is to “kill the baby” you need to stay away from him and stay with your mom who seems very willing to help you and the baby out.
Good luck.

After you have a wife and child they should be more important than friends. Sounds to me that he made this decision much easier for you by being mean.

I’m sorry.

I think you have to decide what’s best for you and the baby. If your family is supportive that is going to be a huge help going forward.

Yesterday I watched the trial of Chayenne Harris.
She’s convicted of murdering her four months old baby boy.
She lived together with her boyfriend Zachary Kohn.
They let the baby rot in his sling, for possibly weeks, malnourished, dehydrated, uncared for, in a dark, hot room.
Don’t let your boyfriend be as influential to you, as Zachary was to Chayenne.
If someone is talking about “killing your baby” in order for you to be together it’s a clear cut sign, in my opinion, that you have to dump his ass.

They both got life in prison, no parole.

You must be feeling awful. I’m very sorry you’re in such a stressful situation, while you’re in a vulnerable state already. Try to take some deep breaths and remember that you do not have to fix all this today. You don’t need to make any decisions right now.

My husband just admit that he want to move closer to Texas to be with his friends, which I feel is selfish because he’s taking away my support system.

Try to get away from the judgment. Instead of calling him selfish, think about what his needs are, as well as yours. Find a solution that works for both of you. Honestly, neither of the solutions you presented (moving far away or a crowded house) sound ideal.

I told him I’m not comfortable with that but he dont care and he say we will save money there, but my mom only ask 500 for rent and she will help with everything once the baby born.

Well, he probably means you can save money compared to what it would cost to get your own place where you are now. You’re paying 500, but you’re paying that for a bedroom, right? You don’t have your own place.

I say if he want to go and feel he will be happier with his friends he can go by himself.

That sounds like you were very hurt, and you wanted to hurt him, as well. His reaction shows you that it worked; he was apparently quite hurt.

He just told me to fuck off and kill the baby if I want him in his life.

Out of context, that is simply awful. Considering that you were discussing abortion just a few weeks ago, though, I feel less shocked. Isn’t it very likely that he was referring to that? Very different from murdering an infant. Still an immature statement, obviously.

I said no and ask for a divorce.

You don’t need to “ask” for a divorce, ever. You can just get it done. You have power here.

At this point I’m pregnant and don’t need the stress, I think I will be fine without him, it just sucks seeing him react harshly to me.

If you do not want to be with him, noone can make you. It’s your call. Only you know if you love this guy, and if he treats you well. You did mention in another question that you’ve been very overwhelmed, and you threw things at him. He is probably at the end of his rope, too. You are young, expecting a baby living in a stressful environment, and there’s a lot of chaos in the world. You need support, more support than just your mom (who’s already taking care of one or two other babies, I think?).

Whether you want to stay with your husband or not (no need to decide today): find counseling. You can probably find a free or low-cost service. If you have a friend or relative who can help you search, enlist them. If not, you could ask a Fluther question with a general area and people will try to help.

If you break up in the end, you should probably stay with your family. If you two stay together, though, it sounds like you need a better setup so you can meet both your needs. Maybe you can find your own rented room close by? Maybe you can get a better job? Maybe your parents, (or his parents, or another relative) can help with housing cost? Maybe certain rules and changes could make your current living situation more workable? You’re an adult, and you seem smart. Sit down for a few hours, and try to find a solution that really factors in both your needs.

It’s time to grow up. You have a husband and a baby on the way. Find your own home and start your adult life. That means jobs and, one way or another, education.

Your husband is feeling left out and wants you to recognize that he can provide for you, but he dosen’t understand that you and the baby need constant care in the first few months too.

I suggest that you and the baby stay at your parents place until you are in good shape and the baby is too, then travel to meet him as HE sets up the living arrangements.

it is typical of the male to think of the finances going to your parents and probably wants to invest in your own house and be the major breadwinner. In short he wants to be seen not as weak but strong enough to care for both the baby and you, and in time he will, but its too soon just yet and you have to let him know that and that you appreciate his wanting to step up to the plate as a husband and father.

In short his ego is brused and feels slighted by your family steeping in when he may feel that its HIS place to provide and care for you two.

If you’re paying your parents 500 a month, no apartment in Texas will be cheaper than that. Especially if you’re going to have to pay for food and cable and power and everything else that comes with living in your own place? 500 is a bargain, even if you’re in one room.

When the baby is born, it’s going to be a huge help to have your family there to babysit. There are going to be times when you’re going to need childcare, like if you have a doctor’s appointment or need to shop. It’s invaluable to have someone who you trust and who is not going to want to be paid. You don’t realize how this is going to impact your life until the baby is here and it’s 24/7. Your husband might say he’s willing to help out with childcare but there will be times when he’s busy too. You’re not going to want to leave the baby with some stranger you barely know.

The previous owners of my house moved from TX to N Cal for work. That resulted in the wife being away from her family. They stayed for about 9 months before they had to move back to TX. They were so eager to sell that I was able to bargain DOWN for a N Cal house.
=> you are going to miss your family if you move away.

There are two sides to every story. Your side seems easy enough to understand because you are telling us. You want to live with your family and your husband doesn’t. So let’s start asking the questions. Would you want to stay with your family in the apparently crowded conditions if you weren’t having a baby? Would moving to TX be out of the question still? Have you actually talked to your husband about why he doesn’t want to live with your family? I get he has said he wants to be closer to his friends, but is there strife with your family? What would you do after the baby is born? If you stay with your family, how long would you do that?

Let’s back out a bit farther. What have you and your husband set as goals in life? Have you even talked about it? What does your ideal life look like? What does his ideal life look like?

Please note that none of these questions are about the baby. There is a reason for that. You are married. For better or worse, you have joined your lives together. A good marriage will go through adversity and remain strong. No life is all butterflies and rainbows. And so communications have to be strong. It sounds like you two have a whole lot to talk through. Just looking at what you have written, it sounds like you have serious doubts about the marriage, probably for a long time…even before you were pregnant. It also sounds like he did too. You are both trying to take action to get away from the marriage rather than trying to talk to each other as a couple.

If you truly love this man, talk with him. Please note that is not saying give in to him or be some sort of door mat for him. You are a couple. Find out and truly consider his feelings…his true feelings, not the bogus ones that want to take him back to TX. That sounds more like an excuse for something else that is bothering him. There will be anger and frustration and lashing out in this discussion I am urging. Don’t be a part of it. Keep to the topic.

@seawulf575 gave you wise and sound advice. Please keep us posted.

He needs to do what you best need. Love conquers all.

^Said by all 12 year old girls. Until they get older, find themselves pregnant by a guy who would rather be with his friends. Then, it’s “what does love have to do with it?”

When you marry living with parents is over.

@SnipSnip I humbly disagree.. that’s just an old way of thinking. She can live with her family as long as she wants if she’s having problems, who do we turn to at times of need if not our own family?

Problem at hand is, the husband seems to be going through some rough time, who hasn’t? We’ve all been though such times at some point in life, but we have to move forward, he has to take help from his family/friends if he’s in some sort of trouble instead of being mad at the only person cares about him.

Like I said before, having an honest discussion is necessary before coming to any conclusion.

My mom is part vietnamese and black but her culture comes from the vietnamese custom. The thing is ever since my husband live with her, he hasn’t really been cleaning up or doing his share. He helps when she ask but even then he gets an attitude about it. For her, that’s disrespectful because in the vietnamese culture hes supposed to be taking care of my mom not have her take care of him. Shes not too fond of him and in a way she is harsh to him because she nitpick everything he does which makes him uncomfortable to live with my family. It makes sense that he want to leave, but he don’t have any plans in order for me to leave with him. His initial plan was living in his car and how I’m supposed to do that if I’m pregnent as well. He wants me to find him a job and get us a place, but I’m just so stressed out as well I’m the only one working and I have to be the one planning for things. Even if we did decide to get our own place, he dont want me to work and be a stay at home mom and he dont want my family near the baby because we’re the parents and have to mold the baby to how we want it to be. It just feel controlling to me and we talk about separating if things dont work out, but he wants to take full custody so the baby wont know I’m the mother. In a way I dont know if i want to be with him because it feel too much, I’m scared to be a single mom but for now I’m trying to make things work.

I don’t know what to say. I feel sorry that you’re in such a situation, but no husband in their right mind would try to separate a child from it’s mother, neither yours nor your upcoming child’s.

I still don’t know his situation very well, but it’s very selfish of him to ask you to leave your family behind just because your mother nitpicks him on every other thing. I’ve heard this saying many times, “When You Get Married, You Marry The Family”.

I would advise you not to leave your family, at least until you can stand on your own with the baby and your own house. When you give birth you need all the support you can get, if your husband doesn’t like it, then it’s his problem. Originally it should be him who needs to provide for the family, and you have to rely on your family because he’s unable to do so. If his pride is hurt when he’s at fault.

From the way you said all the things above, it sounds like he’s giving you all the reasons to consider separation. Anyway I do not have the right to tell you this or that, you’ve to figure out how you genuinely feel about him. And do what you must once you find out.

I don’t know if I regret being pregnant or not, but ever since I have been pregnant, it’s nothing but problems. I wanted to be happy during my pregnancy, but my husband not really allowing it. He said in order for him to be happy with the baby, I have to make him feel comfortable and confident about being a dad. I don’t know how to do that especially if I’m just sad and stressed all the time. I heard crying all the time is bad for the baby because they can feel it too, but I don’t know how to go about my emotions as well. My family are upset because they see me crying and stressed all the time, all they want from my husband is to not make it happen. I’m not trying to make him out to be a bad guy right now hes going through his own depression as well. In a way he said we cant bring a baby in the world when two parents are depressed

“In a way he said we cant bring a baby in the world when two parents are depressed”

Well, that ship has sailed as the baby is coming! So you guys can work on your marriage and not being depressed or not. Have you tried counseling? I hate to give you advice but from all your posts, it sounds increasingly like you have different needs. You will need the support of your family – at least in the early months as you grow into being a mother. And he needs space to grow up and work. Perhaps, and only you two can decide this, he should move out somewhere nearby, get a decent job and have ample visiting time with you and the baby?

The situation seems untenable as it is. But don’t worry too much about your crying affecting the baby now. If you can provide a loving supportive environment after it is born, the baby will thrive. Only you can decide what the best way to do that will be.

I tried counseling, but I wanted him to go to counseling as well. He just don’t believe in it. He suggested leaving to live somewhere else and visiting me as well, but only during pregnancy since it’s an uncomfortable place for him to be in. When the baby born he want to move us out of states because it’s cheaper. I already told him if he dont have a job and place for me and the baby, I cant follow his plans. I think in reality I’m kind of scared to be alone. We have been together for 7 years and it does feel like it’s coming to the end. I may have my family to support me, but I wanted him in my life as well

If he thinks he’s uncomfortable now, how uncomfortable will he be if he has to raise a baby alone!?
He seems very selfish and only putting himself first. You have to do what is best for you and the baby by putting yourself first.
I can’t understand why he thinks you should find him a job? He’s got nothing but time to go find his own job. Don’t let him bully you or manipulate you into doing something like moving away from your family. They have shown you that they will be there to help you. He has not shown you that. And if he gets you away from your family, he could become abusive.

I always find him jobs and all he got to do is go to the interview. There was this job that’s 30 an hour and he got the interview, but when they told him the hours he decline. In my mind, if theres a baby coming people usually have to make some sacrifices to provide for the baby. He said hes not willing to and ask me if I would. I said I’m willing to work 2 jobs if I had to just to make things happen. Hes not trying to sacrifice a lot for a baby because he wants his freedom and life as well. So I was asking him why fight for full custody if you dont want the struggle of being a parent. His answer was that if I hurt him in the process of leaving him, he will hurt me in the process of taking the baby away. I guess after talking to you guys and processing everything it seem selfish and immature on his part. But if I’m talking to him I’m clouded with my emotions and thinking hes right about everything because hes persuading me how his idea makes sense and I should follow his lead in parenting

If he can “gaslight” you into believing he’s right when you’re in your own environment, just think how much he will control you if you move away with him. His main job right now is to get a job and he doesn’t sound willing to do that. This is not a good situation.

That’s true, he said with his depression going on hes not motivated to do anything. He don’t eat anymore and hes playing video games all day. It’s just his way of escaping reality. I dont know if I’m supposed to give him time to feel better but I just said time going to go by fast and still hes not improving for the baby. The thing is I stressed him out, my family stressed him out and the whole world seem against him mainly because he said it’s hard being a black man in America. A lot of things feel like hes giving up and feeling sorry for himself

I think you have some serious decisions to make. I am sorry you are in this situation. You will definitely need your family around for support.

I wouldn’t worry too much about him trying to take the baby away from you. He’s not emotionally stable and he is in no position financially to do anything. This would be on record for any judge to see. But just in case, do make a point of saving all his threatening communications with you.

It sounds like he’s too busy feeling sorry for himself (depressed or not), to think about anybody but himself. He also sounds very proud (which is not a compliment). If he’s going to get out of this hole he’s dug himself into he’s going to have to humble himself, look hard at reality and take steps to fix it.

You need to start going to counseling yourself. You need it. Don’t let him manipulate you into not getting the help you need! Tell him that you’re going to counseling and he’s welcome to come along if he wants to.

Also he wants you to go with him so he can be with his friends. Do you know any of them? You would be very alone in a time of great need. He has already proven himself to be unreliable. Could he promise that any of them would be willing to help you if you needed it?

It is hard to be a black man in America. Just as it’s hard to be a white woman, Latino, gay, trans and so many other things you can be. He needs to put his big boy pants on, be a man and take care of his family.

At the risk of sounding judgmental, he sounds lazy and he’s making excuses for not working. He should be going to places and applying. So many places are hiring now.

If I were you, I wouldn’t leave your parents’ house. Let him try to get custody if he wants,. My guess is he’s just using that as a threat.

Yeah my family also want to see him try get custody because hes not financially stable. I just know if we separate he will have no place to go but live in his car. He dont have no family to rely on, his mom right now is in a group home for homeless people. I know I shouldn’t care what he do or where hes at when we separate but a part of me do feel bad

I’d look at it like this, if I were you, @Thuyle. You and the baby are a team. Your boyfriend is not necessarily a part of the team. You and the baby have no choice. Your boyfriend has a choice and you have a choice whether or not he is going to be on the team.

^It’s actually her husband, so that makes it a bit harder to separate herself from him.

He’s already more than halfway removed himself from her life because he won’t get a job, and he’s completely unavailable, unable or unwilling to support her in any way.

By the way, who’s feeding him?

I’d say if he wants to leave and live in a car, instead of living in your mom’s house, then so be it. Let him. I think he’s just talking shit.

So we talk and I’m trying to understand things from his point of view and while we was talking he let me know there will be condition into being with him if I want him and the baby in my life. The conditions are I cant be outside the house working a regular job, we both have to work from home until the baby is 5 so they can have both of their parents at the same time. I dont like that because I dont like being on the computer all day and I feel like sometimes work is an escape for me. Another conditions is my family and friends cannot babysit the baby because he dont want them to influence the baby personality, it’s our job to do that. Last one is I need to find a place in california that’s cheap enough for us to live in otherwise it’s going to be texas. Does that seem excessive?

Yes, it is excessive and totally unreal.

@Thuyle Has he been officially diagnosed with clinical depression? That usually comes with medication and can have very significant effects.

Unless that’s his reality, I see no other reason that would justify his words and behavior. Where is his family?
Threatening to take your child is not okay @Thuyle.

@Thuyle: I’d tell him take a fucking hike, pardon the language.

“If I want him and the baby in my life?” You’re the mother. It’s the opposite. If he wants you and the baby in HIS life.

Forget the conditions. He’s out of his fucking mind.

^@jca2 is a single mom. She absolutely knows it can be done, and done well. There are several single moms on fluther who have raised really wonderful kids without help. I know a couple of men here who have raised children on their own too and their kids are wonderful kids. It can be done, but you have to put your child first, you second and let no man lay down altimatums.

Yeah I’m thinking that it’s best to be a single mom because it’s getting really stressful. I have to find a job for both of us that’s remote and also a place as well while isolating myself from family because the baby cant be around them for too long. I told my brother and he think it’s weird how he demanding too much when I’m the one pregnant, if he want those things he can make it happen which I ask him earlier about if he just want me to make things happen, he said no but I have to wait until hes better mentally to do anything for the baby. That’s not a good answer as well because I dont know how long I have to wait for him to take actions, it not like I can put this baby on hold it’s coming regardless

I think he do have clinical depression but back then he uses drugs to cope with it and then it became alcohol but we weren’t together when he was in that stage. Now it just got worse and out of control, but hes not taking medication because it will cause him to be addicted again

@Thuyle Why do you say the baby can’t be around your family for too long?

For me it’s fine for the baby to be around family, but he dont want no one to be around the baby for too long. My brothers are gay and sassy and my nephew became sassy as well so my husband feel like if the baby become sassy or like my family then it will upset him. The baby should be a reflection of the parents

I hope, in his case, the baby won’t.
I’m sorry, but the way you described his behaving, and his ideas, the way I perceive it, I get the feeling he sounds like a piece of work.
Not the work I necessarily would want to put more energy in.

@Thuyle I have to say I fear for you and the baby if you stay tied to this man. He sounds controlling and lazy and you should not isolate yourself from your family at this time. Kids need a lot of different models in their lives to grow up healthily, not just their parents, especially one of which seems inadequate to be a parent at this point. If he wants to be a father to the baby and have you both in his life, let him move out and make something of himself to prove it.

@Thuyle: I had to step away from the keyboard last night because I had the same thoughts @janbb has, and I didn’t want to get emotionally involved over an internet post.

The baby has one person to protect him or her, and that’s you. That’s your number one job as parent. You are the baby’s first line of defense against the world. This talk from your husband about “if you want to be with me and the baby” is total bullshit. First of all, if he can’t take care of himself, he can’t take care of a baby and who is he to threaten you like that?

I hope you’re a strong person or if you aren’t, you become strong when the baby is born because your husband is manipulative and aggressive, and you may end up needing to take steps to distance yourself from him, emotionally as well as physically. There are agencies that will step in and assist if they determine that you’re not up to the task, and you and your husband could end up with the baby being in foster care, temporarily, or permanently, if the agencies feel you are not able to protect the baby and do what’s in the baby’s best interests. I’m not saying that to scare you, I’m saying that to let you know that you really need to be strong and don’t let your husband bully you or manipulate you. You might want to enlist assistance from your parents. Let them know what’s going on and that this is a dilemma for you.

Don’t let your husband make you think you need to move away, away from your support system to be with his friends. His friends have no obligation to you and no feeling of obligation, I’m sure. They may be total losers and you don’t want them around your child.

You’re going to need your parents’ help for housing, money, food, babysitting, and possibly for protection against your husband. Your husband knows if he can get you away from your family, he has a bigger chance of manipulating you further and forcing you to rely on him.

Honestly, I’d tell him to take a fucking hike. While he’s living with your parents, the least he could do is help out, and I’m sure your mom is not saying as much as she’d like to say.

I agree with @jca2.

Just so you know my mom was diagnosed with depression and has fought cancer for 10 plus years and STILL works.
His excuses are weak and maybe he is using you and your family for food and free housing. I wish you the best but right now I just want to kick his butt. I bet your parents do, too.

@jca2 Yeah you’re right my brothers feel the same way and think he’s just all talk and no actions. In a way he need me more than I need him, but he always threatens to leave me if things dont go his way and I’m always apologizing.He only take actions if I demand it from him or direct him to how he should go about things. I guess when I got with him I end up taking care of everything, I put him through college, pay for his mom medical bill and medications and even help him find jobs. Looking back he wasnt really a motivated person, but I guess I didnt see those things as red flags because I just wanted to improve his life and help him in any way I can. But now with the baby i can see how it can be an issue. My mom told me she dont really want to say to much about him because she knows how it can affect me emotionally, but she just want to let me know that there are some things she dont like about him and wish I can do better. In her words she said how can i as a woman take care of a man and he dont do nothing, that’s not the life to live.

@Thuyle: Time to start thinking about the baby. Baby needs stuff, baby needs money, baby needs you. Baby doesn’t need fighting and a father who lays around doing nothing while you try to find him jobs and deal with his bullshit. I bet if you start standing up to him, he’ll get nervous and start distancing himself. He sure will be surprised. Remember, you and the baby are a team. He doesn’t have to be on the team.

@Thuyle All I will say is that I married one, too, and 100% regret it. He is not a good human. He’s cheated, lied and worse. So please don’t do that to yourself like I have.
Even if you dont feel you deserve better, your baby does.

@KNOWITALL I think at some point I will walk away, it’s not worth it if I’m stressing all the time. My mom blame herself because she went through the same thing with my dad. She said he was a good provider, but he wasnt really a good man and since she stayed, she set us up to follow her path into the type of men me and my sisters choose as well

@Thuyle just because your mother set the example doesn’t mean you need to follow her.

You need to grow up and do what’s right for your child. Early on you mentioned counseling, and that your husband doesn’t want to go. A responsible adult and parent will go to counseling if they need it, and you definitely need it.

When are you going to set that appointment?

@snowberry My appointment is in two weeks and right now I decided to live with my oldest sister for the time being just to get away from my husband. I told him if he can’t get a job on his own and figure things out then I won’t be able to continue on with him. I guess right after I decided to leave he left the house to and decided to do Airbnb for the time being. My family said they will support me if I decided to be a single mom and if I want to stay with him, he have to show that he is mature and responsible without my help. In their perspective they still want him to be a part of their life they just need to see some changes, but since I’m pregnant and he stressing me out he need to leave

He has no job but he can afford AirBnB, @thuyle?

Good on you to have made some important decisions.

@Thuyle Whatever happens next, you are trying. Yay, wishing you peace and joy.

@jca2 he only work seasonal job and is on call so hes not really working, but most of his money comes from his workers comp settlement when he got injured at a job about 2 years ago.

^I don’t want to add to your problems, but I hope you realize that you can’t receive workmen’s comp and work also. If he’s found out, he will have to return the workmen’s comp money. Just one more thing you shouldn’t be mixed up in.